I Don't Get It

Growing up in Dubai, my only exposure to Kerala was during the annual vacations. My maternal side of the family are pretty friendly people and my brother and I used to hang out with my cousins. Everyone lived in the “Tharavaddu” and I have some good memories of my annual vacations in Alwaye.

When I completed my 10th grade, my dad had this sudden bolt of idea that I should get back to my roots and I was sent off to Kerala to do my pre-degree (yeah 11th and 12th standards used to be called that many moons back). I lived with my grandparents and extended family in the Tharavaddu. That experience was great and I enjoyed the freedom thoroughly. On the downside I left my parents for good at the age of sixteen and have never lived with them again for long periods. In Kerala, for two years I had a ball of a time after which I shifted to Manipal.

So you can see that I had pretty good interaction with my cousins. But the nagging factor was always that my parents would send me money every month for my expenses, whereas my cousins being the young kids they were at the time had to rely solely on my uncle for cash. So if we ever used to go for shopping, I would always make it a point to buy them something too. Thinking back, I know that I was quite instrumental in them developing a complex – like I am some high and mighty person who could buy anything. But I was just trying to do whatever I could to keep them happy. Who likes to go for shopping with someone and just end up watching that someone do all the shopping?

Anyway after I left for Manipal, things soured between my parents and my uncle over some real petty issue. My uncle left the Tharavaddu and set up home a few kilometres away from my grandparents’ house. My uncle still kept in touch with my grandparents but my parents never talked to my uncle. Even I was warned not to talk to my uncle or his family again. When my uncle was on his deathbed, it was just my mom who went to see him. Funnily though my dad had wanted to go, but my mom convinced my dad that it would not be right to do so. I can’t understand the psyche of people when they carry a grudge even when their loved ones are dying.

In the coming years I got married, had a kid, got divorced and my parents kept all of this a secret from the entire family in Kerala. Now Kerala is not all that far from Dubai which is literally infested with Malayalis; so it was not long before stories of my single life started making rounds in my small village. “People” were saying that I was living with someone else, that I had an affair etc etc. By this time my parents retired and shifted back to Kerala. During one of my vacations, my mom told me that it was my cousin who was going around and spreading rumours. Frankly I didn’t care. I have an out-of-sight-out-of-mind attitude.

Last month, my mom called to say that my aunt and cousins have ironed out all their differences with my parents. Alright, good – you got your way. Now what? Just to make the familial bond stronger my mom wants me to phone up Kerala and talk to my cousins. Hey hang on there – Did I hear you right? After almost 15 years you want me to call up my cousins and talk to them? Yeah, you know their number. But what do I talk about? I just don’t know what to say? Didn’t you tell me that they bitched a lot about me? Mom – oh that’s all in the past, forget it. Yeah sure, so I call and just start talking about the weather? No, no ask them how they are. How they are? How they are? Why didn’t I ask them that even once in the past 15 years?

Really, I don’t understand family politics, especially the ones between siblings over money or family status or pride. I am glad that my brother is the way he is – we fight like cats and dogs but we love each other just as much. It doesn’t matter who earns how much, end of the day if I have any problems I know that my brother will be my support and help me. No amount of stories or gossip from others can change that.

PS: I am not sure how to begin this conversation on the phone with my cousin and because he is getting married in a couple of days, I have been asked to call him up real quick. I feel so stuck....