New Year

For some people, no change that, for everyone New year starts on 1st Jan.  Not for me though.  For me, my New Year started on 1st Dec.  OK go on, ask me the obvious question - why?

2012 was a horrible year for me. 2013, despite the lows was much better.  2014, my friends, is MY year and 12 months of it is just not enough.  Also I moved to my new assignment at work today.  A new job, a new year and a fantastic me.  This is how I see it.  Surprisingly, and so unlike me, I have been in a very content space the past two months.  It is as if I have everything I need.  I have so much of stuff - clothes, shoes, makeup, bags (no, that does not make me stop from window shopping), I cook and eat such good food, DH & I - we are good with each other (and hopefully good for each other too!), my son, mom and brother are healthy and for once we have started accepting each other as we are (Not an easy thing I tell and it took us a long time to get here).

There is love, there is peace and above all there is Harmony.  Maybe that was missing before - HARMONY.  I mean, I wanted people to be this way and that way without ever looking at a middle ground, a half way through.  Happiness does exist there too.

I no longer feel poor (Sure I could do with a million dollar lottery win), I feel beautiful, healthy and wanted all the time.  Yes WANTED ALL THE TIME (DH deserves a lot of credit here).  Like relationships, feeling beautiful and healthy requires a lot of effort.  These days I look at myself in the mirror and am surprised at the pretty woman staring back at me.

I do not feel the need to blog.  This blog, I associate it with unhappiness, discontent and tears.  But today, this very second, I don't care.  Everything is perfect.  Perfect, not in a perfect way, but more like all the imperfections have a perfect fit.  Does that make any sense at all?

Totally off tangent now.  I had to stop my Japanese classes in November.  The weekly trips to SOAS was too much to squeeze in to an already busy schedule.  Rather unfortunate as I was really getting the hang of learning a foreign language.  Today at my new work place, I found out that they were giving Mandarin classes for a piddly fees.  And you bet your sweet ass I enrolled for it as soon as I saw the advert.  Classes begin in January and every Wednesdays, during lunch time I will attend these classes. When one door closes, another one opens - is all that I can say.

God / the universe is with me. Wait and watch me fly this year.

How was 2013 for you?  What are your plans for 2014?

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Double Whammy

Just got back from Brussels.

What started as a nice day at work turned out so bad.  I had my 1:1 review with my boss.

The promotion which I thought was due this year, well apparently it seems I am not ready for it.

I am good at 4 Es - Empower, Enable, Energize and Engage but lack Envision.  And to rub salt on the wound, I get a 4.85% salary increase - surely it must be a joke.  But my boss said no - that's the highest she could give in the UK.  My boss was very sweet in breaking out the news to me, so its not like she was being terrible or anything like that.  She is a nice woman and a great boss.

Now let's be objective and look at this - failure as a mother, a wife (twice over) and now in career as well.  42 years - what the fuck did I achieve?  So yeah, maybe I don't have this "Envision"....I don't know whether I am coming or going or just stationary.

I did something new today.  I came home, hugged my son and cried.......

(Now before someone says I shouldn't have done it and that it makes me a bad mother, I know it... but I just needed to hug someone and cry, someone who LOVES me)

Away Now....

This message goes specially to all those who have commented on my previous post.  Each comment deserves a reply.  Right now I am in Brussels on work and will be back home tomorrow late at night.

I have decided on some major changes.  Even though I am at work here, it has given me some time to get away from it all and to think thoroughly about my situation.  I WILL dust my back and STAND UP again - rest assured.

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

Today

Some days, just some days life seems to be perfect.  You love your husband and your son, you don’t care much about the state of your home, you have done everything in your to-do list, even an hour of exercise, had good healthy home-made food, its pay day and you have put aside a chunk of your salary in so-called savings and finally at work you have a stress free time. 

Now let me take a moment and enjoy this feeling......

The Imperfect Relationship

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "I Dream of Money":

“Maybe it is the perspective of an outsider who knows nothing but you seem to be really unhappy in your marriage or at least not at all happy in your marriage. Isn't it better to be alone?”


This really got me thinking and instead of replying as a comment, thought the reply deserved its own post because it is a long drawn explanation.

First of all let us remove a few of the biases. This is my blog so obviously I will come across as the victim because I have this nature of giving glory to pain and hurt and keeping absolutely silent about the good times.

Take for e.g. – I wrote many posts about how DH and I haven’t been talking. Fact is we started talking on February 13th (for the first time this year!) and I never wrote about it in here. For me not talking for two and a half months was more of a big news and well all couples talk to each other, so what’s the fun in letting the readers know that?

OK now coming back to the real issue that I have. DH and I are too different, I call the term as being trapped by our own personalities. Chinty = trying to be minimalist + want more money. DH = hoarder + have no money / want no more money. Difference is an understatement; we are opposites. In pursuit of love I shifted to the UK leaving behind my family in Dubai, a great paying job and all the luxuries that I was used to. Remember it was not a blind move – I did stay with DH for four months in the UK before taking the plunge. So I knew where he lived, his financial situation etc. But when you are in love you believe everything will turn out well and nothing really matters. All you want is to be with the one you love.

But as with any marriage, after a few years love goes out of the window and you are usually with your partner due to habit, children or other long term money commitments (say a house). In my equation with DH, we don’t have any children together or long term commitments. The house is DH’s given to him by his father. So that leaves just the habit. If I have quit smoking after 11 years of abusing my body, then surely walking away from this relationship of 9 years should be super easy? Well no.

DH understands me, knows me inside out. He knows what makes me tick and what doesn’t. Sure there are lots of stuff about him that I do not like – the hoarding, the constant pursuit of education and total absence of any desire to be what I call successful in life. So what? These are my expectations and I shouldn’t expect anyone to change themselves to fit in with my expectations. If I were to be in DH’s shoes I would be so unhappy too. One of my major gripes is that I cannot cook to save my life; I am obsessed with cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy. If I clean the kitchen or bathroom, I don’t like anyone entering the place for an hour or so. I am fanatical about saving money and it is a real pain for me to agree for us to have a good time because that means spending money. I don’t believe in taking vacations together – we go to India every year don’t we, so why spend more money elsewhere.

Mind you I wasn’t obsessed with money before meeting DH – only after shifting to the UK and realising that if I am not careful, we both will have to sit by the street with a pan in our hands!

Now to the selfish reasons – If I walk out now, I have to go somewhere? Where is this somewhere? It is too late for me to get a job either in Dubai or even in India. I have a son and we need some sort of stability in our lives for him to continue his education. And lastly, I don’t have enough money to buy a flat/house in the UK and nor will I get enough finances to fund a mortgage here. Here DH plays the provider.

And just to clear the air – DH and I talk about our relationship all the time. All the above reasons have been dissected to nuts. We are brutally frank with each other.

So there goes – mutual dependency, a complete understanding of each other’s limitations and a healthy respect of our situation is what keeps us together. It is not perfect, far from it but hey who says that life would be perfect anyway.

PS: I have blabbered the way the thoughts have come to my mind. It may or may not be in a sequence that seems logical. As I sleep over it, I am sure I will have more points to jot – which is usual for me. But for the time being I have exhausted it all.

A Good Day

When you have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no one to hug you and comfort you, you take solace in God. You get on your knees and beg that He gives you enough courage to get you through the day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change certain things that are happening right now. At work, my boss needs to find out the direction that our department has to take. Without any real alignment with other teams, we cannot move forward and the solution to this is in my boss’s camp. I just need to take a deep breath till everything is sorted out.

DH, while there are so many things I would like to change about him, I do not want him to change just for me. For now, I am OK with this status quo and yes, I can live with the silence.

The things that I can change and have a control over are my health, my studies and my finances.

I woke up this morning at around 4:30 am with the firm decision that I would be happy and remain happy throughout the day. Did some stretching exercises, a bit of yoga and finished it off with meditation. Then I covered myself with purple light (I am an advanced Pranic Healer, it helps when I put my mind to it). Worked hard from 8:30 to 4:30pm – did not surf aimlessly and actually got some work done, not much, cleared around 180 emails. At 5 got on the elliptical and exercised for exactly 40 mins – burnt 270 calories, clocked 14kms – an all time high.

I worked from home today – so it was literally a no spend day. My wallet is happy. Dinner was just a mutton roll; hated every bite of it. Thought it was a good way of eating less, just eat what you don’t like.

A won all the badminton matches at school and has got selected to play at West London Level. Hope he does well. In Dubai he used to be a tennis player taking part in a lot of tournaments. Here I cannot afford to give him four hours of individual training daily. So it is a blessing that A has found another game just as interesting.

It has been a good day – thank you God.

I still miss Daddy though and I think I did not grieve enough back in July when he passed away. It‘s all coming back to me now. Why did it take so long for me to realise that I love him like crazy?

On To My Son

“Chinty on the phone.” “Miss Chinty – there has been an incident at school and involves A. Could you please come to the school now?”


Once or twice in a month I get the urge to meet people and then I go to the office to spend the day working from there. Since I am a remote employee I have to hot desk if I ever go to the office. I am also on conf call all the time and end up disturbing people hot desking (is there a word like that?) next to me. All in all it does not make much of a difference whether I work from home or office.

OK so a few weeks back I was at office when I received this call from A’s school. A is my precious baby and I have had to fight real hard to get him here with me, so calls like these get me quite worked up. I ran out of the office building, jumped into the car and literally flew to the school.

Guess what? My poor baby had stolen a chicken wing from the canteen. One blooming chicken wing; the interrogation went something like this – A did you steal one chicken wing from the canteen? A – yes. Did you have the money to pay for it? A –yes. How much money did you have with you? A – twenty pounds. Did you forget to bring your lunch from home? A – no. Were you hungry? A – no. Then why did you steal the chicken wing? A – I wasn’t thinking straight. Would you do this again? A – no. Then I signed off some papers.

After school conversation between mom and son : Mom - “why exactly did you steal ONE chicken wing?” Son - “Because all kids in my school do that and I wanted to know whether I can get away with it.” Mom – “Stealing is an art and the art is not in stealing, but in not getting caught.” Mom – “Next time you want to be a hero in front of your friends go and steal a diamond necklace and not a stupid chicken wing. Do you feel you have the balls to steal a diamond necklace?” Son – “No”. Mom – “Good, because I don’t want a thief for a son.” Case closed, no more conversation ever about it.

Son thinks mom is pretty cool. But I know better – Mom has done worse stuff than just stealing.

And My Son Walked Home

Well not literally. A flew down to Heathrow on 30th June.

Picture source

This first week of July and the last week of June have been the best ever two weeks. We celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary, A came home, I celebrated my 40th birthday and DH turned fifty one.

One fine June morning, when the sun was in its full glory in the UK and the monsoon was making its presence felt in Kerala, my son received a call from the British Council in Chennai informing him that they were ready to issue the ILR to him. And just like that, without any appeal (or rather much before the appeal date) the universe showered its blessings on my family.

How do I feel right now? I am not sure I can put it into words. Do you know what complete is or the sense of being complete? Like each and everything that matters to you is right next to you, in front of you and you can touch it, feel it and even kiss it. For a 15 yr old boy, my son has been getting a lot of kisses and hugs lately from his shameless mother. I frankly couldn’t care less. To me he is my little baby who left when he was seven.

I wish I could just get so so drunk and shout out to the world – now look at me, look at me and see how happy I am. But I won’t do that, I just don’t want to tempt fate, not just yet.

That Happy Family

Picture source

Do people have perfect lives or do they think that they have perfect lives? I believe it's all in the mind.

I also believe that all families are dysfunctional; scratch the surface and you will get a glimpse of the ugliness. But dysfunctional is good, it shows that people are individuals with varied tastes and circumstances. Being perfect is just our way of trying to harmonise with our particular set of circumstances.

At one point I was sad that I lost custody of A, then I was devastated when I came to know that my ex-husband hit A so bad that it broke A's hand. That day I prayed God to keep my son safe and sound. All I wanted was for A to be alive, in one piece and away from that horrible man. Then my happiness knew no bounds when I got back A's custody. But that high came crashing down when his request for a UK visa got rejected.

And now A has been in India for close to 10 months - staying with my parents who dot on him. He gets the very best of food, lives in a very sheltered and loving environment, goes to a fantastic school the likes of which I will never be to afford here and is enjoying life with friends who still have an innocence about them.

Tell me then, what right do I have to pay 3000 pounds to a lawyer to fight for my son's UK visa appeal? What is it that I believe I can offer him in Southall? Run down schools with kids who could possibly be carrying knives, where drugs could be available round the corner? How can I expect my son who, till last year, did not know the meaning of F**** to make friends in this counry? If he is anything like his mother A is never going to make any friends here.

So why exactly do I want A to be here with me? I have just one very feeble excuse - because I am his mother and a very selfish one at that. I want A here so that I can take care of him, make food for him, teach him, see him grow to adulthood and finally fly out on his own.

My Dad tells me that even if the UK visa came through A would anyway have to go back to India for his college. So the big serious advise from Dad is not to spend that money.

I, for one, can't believe my dad. How can one put a price on one's kid? How can I say what these years with my son are worth to me, even if it's just for another four years?

Heck, all I know is that not only should my son be safe and sound, he should be safe and sound WITH me.

I don't know if the appeal will be successful or not, but I can rest with this thought - I would have tried till the very end.

Despite trying so hard to become one happy family unit, my family might come across as being very dysfunctional to some. And that's OK with me.

2010 - You will be remembered

How can I let 2010 go without recapping the major events of the year?

Let’s start with the bad ones first because I would like to finish off on a good note....

The Bad

- Seeing my son A with his arm in a cast – all thanks to his dad getting aggressive over some stupid tennis match and receiving the news on my b’day.

- A not getting his UK visa!!!

- Numerous arguments with DH over my OCD. (He the hoarder and me the purger.) I am also obsessive about keeping things neat and tidy. I kid you not, my marriage was literally on the edge. We spent 22 days in the same house not talking to each other and frankly during this period I did not see DH even once. I was cooped up in my clean little room.

- With the new job that I started on 1st Jan, I stopped going to the gym. Result – same weight but completely un-toned body shape.

- Lost all interest in dressing up nice – with a relationship full of constant arguments and working from home, I had no reason to dress up!

- Giving up my Indian citizenship. Every time I hear mile sur mera tumhara I literally have tears in my eyes. I love being an Indian and believe that in about 10 years time an Indian passport will be worth more than having any western passport. But alas these justifications do me no good today. With the amount of travelling that I do for work, I just cannot afford to waste any more time in consulates for an entry visa.

- Towards the end of the year, I became a bit of an expert at my new job. And that resulted in me being a bit too aggressive for my liking. I like being confident but not too over confident.



The Good

- After 7 years of staying away from my son and being fearful about my ex-husband, all it took was seeing my son’s broken arm - overnight I developed balls of steel. My parents and I knocked all doors – the Police, the Court and finally I got my son’s custody back. There’s no greater joy than knowing that your kid is safe and sound.

- So yes A didn’t get his visa to the UK and right now it is under appeal with the appeal date set for April 2011. A not being with me no longer bothers me. Currently he is studying in a very good school in India and frankly speaking I have a very low opinion of schooling in the UK, especially schools in Southall where I live.

- If A does not ultimately get the right to live in the UK, I am planning to relocate to some other Western European country. I have that sort of option with my company. And I know that DH does not have any problem in joining me if I were to shift due to A.

- Ah my husband. Well 22 days of not talking to each other was just about what we both could take in terms of separation. Later we had the hottest make out session and then got down to discussion our problems and how best to get over them. Net net result – we both will adjust. Now how come we didn’t remember that before?

- Alright so I rarely get out of the house during week days and something tells me that I should make exercise part of my daily routine just like how it was in 2009. So I have now invested in a Reebok bike and cross trainer. Will be taking delivery of it soon.

- Not so sure why I lost interest in dressing up. I was the best turned out one in college and also in my previous company and took pride in my beautiful clothes. I guess God gives everyone a quota and if you finish it up too soon, you have nothing left for later on. My policy is comfort over style and even at work and during my business trips I wear my black jeans. This had to change, c’mon I am not yet 40. First things first – chopped off my waist length hair and now it’s just to my neck. I cut it first to shoulder length and then mustered enough courage to chip it all off. I look hot, if I may say so. Next was cashing in on the Christmas sale – I went to all the shops, even the ones online and have now bought enough outfits to last me a year. Strangest thing – I bought only dresses, not a single pair of trousers.

But above all I want to thank the Universe for two things – for having given me the strength to withstand all that came my way and for such a wonderful husband who patiently stood by me all the time.

And now I look forward to what's in store for me in 2011.

Update

Sometimes you ask yourself why does the Universe keep throwing these hurdles at you every now and then. Why is that despite being a parent I can’t be a real mother to my son? Why this and why that?

You cry, you curse and you tear yourself up trying to find answers and then in a split second an answer comes along, an answer you never, ever thought of before.

I have been taking rounds of lawyer’s offices ever since A’s visa got refused. In the meanwhile, my parents have been scouting the country side to find a school for my son. After all, in pursuit of a visa A should not lose one year of school, especially now that he is in grade 9.

And guess what? Not only did they find a school in India and a fantastic school at that; but my son fell in love with the place at first sight. Forget the fact that I will have to fork out £3,000 pounds a year in fees, it is the type of schooling that I could never afford in the UK. Many of you know that I live in Southall, which is not exactly the type of place for a kid to grow up. I was being selfish I guess, I want him to live with me. I want to baby my son for the next four years before he becomes an adult.

So I haven’t stopped being optimistic. I will file for the appeal and I will go ahead with plans of getting the settlement visa for A. But I am no longer scared, no longer worried, no longer do I have to choose between living with my husband in UK or living with my son in India. My son has found his place and I have found my peace.

Whatever life dishes out to me, my son and I will endure and we will fight it out and be the ultimate winners.

Like my introduction says – If life is all about will-power, I want to know how long I will last.

Amen to that.

PS: Thought I would share an emotional line out of my appeal letter:

“In support of my son’s application, no additional evidence was provided simply because I was stupid to believe that no force or law in this world could separate me from my son after all the ordeal we have been through. You will note that we did not take the service of a lawyer to file the application which is what normally happens. After all the application was of a young son wanting to join his mother.”

BOO to VFS Chennai - His Visa Application Got Rejected!!!

So now they expect my son to live with his grandparents and that is OK?  Who made this law?  You know this is going to sound too filmy (because I am finished and done with crying after hearing the news), but you have rocked a mother's heart and if I have to move mountains I will.  VFS or no VFS, UK or no UK, my son WILL stay with me.

Edit: Thanks U - its not VFS Chennai, but the border security agency.  But VFS is not that great either.  I have had bitter experinces with them in the UK for Shengen visas.

What A Means To Me....

Yes I am very very very happy that my son is going to join me – after 7 long years. But I am also very very scared. Why? Because after a certain point I started to think of myself as a single person – not as someone who has actually given birth. Does that make sense to you? One does not become a parent merely by giving birth, nurturing is one that changes a person to a parent and I have become pretty rusty in that department.

It’s been so long for A and me. We met each other twice a year – sometimes for 2 days and sometimes for a longer period like 15 days. His father always made sure that I never got to spend long enough time with my son. Every time we met the first one day went in trying to get to know each other, there is a shyness and awkwardness that comes across. But we both knew that we belonged together and tried to get beyond that feeling. Of course by day two everything was hunky dory. Then the day we had to say goodbyes to each other – just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. I would see the solemn look on my son and I felt that I was letting him go into the lion’s cage (which was pretty much true though I always tried to deny the thought even to myself).


The last time we were in India together, I was trying to cross a busy road and my son called me “mummy” from across. For a second I didn’t even know who he was addressing – was it me? Do I look or even feel like the mother of a teenage kid? I don’t know. Both my brother’s and son’s names start with A and I get confused all the time. I often say “you know, A my brother....” when I am actually talking about my son and then I have to correct myself. That’s right, I think of A, not as a son, but as a sibling. We discuss everything under the sun and A (my son) is so mature that it’s so easy to talk to him.

I tell you guys – for a person who has been a part time mother, I am truly blessed. My son has turned out pretty normal and alright. He is friendly and kind; knows how to cook and take care of children (his father has two kids from a second marriage), is brilliant in studies and is a wonderful human being.

And when he joins me in the next two months, I intend to put aside all my fears and just enjoy being with him. I had put aside having a second kid ‘cause I could not bear the thought of how that would make A feel, with him being so far away from me and me giving all my love to another kid. Now I am too old to have a baby and A is my last and only hope to enjoy a kid...and by God I WILL do just that...

Happier Now

I am going to start with a clean slate. But I do need to record my ordeals lest I forget the lessons that I have learnt from it all.

April 15th saw me get stuck in Geneva. They said it was the volcano and with all the hotels in Geneva being fully booked, the nearest hotel was in the French side of the town. Not that it mattered much to me. But how long was I supposed to wait? With no guarantees for a flight in the near future, I managed to hire a taxi that drove me right down to my door step. 12 hours it took and I had a ball of a time with the people who shared my taxi. The experience was much better than any flight journey I would have had. 

Lesson learnt: I cannot plan my life all the time. It’s the detours that make it worthwhile.

June 29th was my birthday. As I was about to start my dinner, I got a call. My son had just returned from the hospital with his hand in a cast and two stitches on the elbow. My ex-husband decided to have a go at my son because my son was not concentrating on his tennis match. 

Lesson learnt: A man who raises his hand on a woman will invariably raise his hand on the rest of the family. And oh...once an asshole, always an asshole.

July 16th I spent wondering why I had waited so long to save my son from the clutches of my ex-husband. I will never forget the day as long as I live. My family used all our political connection and police might to pressurise my ex-husband into giving up custody of our son. It was a literal cakewalk.

Perfect strangers helped me and I am so humbled by their gesture.

Lesson learnt: When you put your mind to it, help comes from unexpected sources. Thank you God.

I am told that it would take three months for my son’s UK visa to process and in the meanwhile I can sleep in peace – my son is safe with my parents.

A Surprise Visit

When you really call out to that higher being, he somehow answers your prayers. My son got the opportunity to visit me last weekend. My baby won a tennis tournament in Dubai and was selected to play the world finals here in London. Can you imagine my kid travelling all over the world! Who would have thought this?

Anyway, I was told that being part of the team from Dubai baby would have to stay with his team in a hotel at London. Shhh....my son comes to London for two days and I can’t even get him to stay with me!!

He was supposed to arrive at 2pm on 28th and on the same day that I had an appointment at the Belgian Consulate. DH suggested that I go to the consulate since it was with great difficulty that I had got the appointment. But then what does a man know about being a parent? There was no way in hell I would not surprise my son at the airport.

Luckily for me the tennis authorities in London allowed baby to stay with me, the only condition being that I would ensure that he gets to the courts at 9:30 am. Hey that was cool.

So for two whole days – Saturday and Sunday, my son was with me. Even while sleeping he was next to me. I don’t care if my son is 13 or 23, if he feels that he wants to sleep next to his mother, I will let him do so. And when those moments are so rare and far between, I can’t say no.

Helpless

Dear God,

I usually don’t call out to you; I believe that I should do everything in my capability before I use that luxury. This time, however, I can do nothing but stand hundreds and hundreds of miles away while hoping for the best.

Why is it that some Malayali men think it is their birthright to hit women and kids? Why is it that one such men happened to be my son’s father and why is it that this horrible man has the right to hit my son? Even thought it is only once in a blue moon can you imagine how it is to be on one end of the telephone while your 13 yr old son cries on the other end? The sheer helplessness is indescribable. If I could get away with it, I would kill that man.

I know he takes care of my son in the best possible way that he knows. But should an adult hit a kid?

And why is it that I don’t have the balls to go and save my son from that monster?

God show me a way please.......

Lost.....Again...

I love reading other blogs especially blogs about people and their lives, not the ones that concentrate on any one particular topic like cooking or books or art or babies but the ones that talk about life – their ordinary day to day lives. But the more blogs I read blogs of this nature the more I don’t feel like writing mine. I feel that I talk absolute nonsense; my blog is one without passion, without substance. I am what you call a vain person; I talk about no one else but myself and am so superficial even about it.

This is because deep, deep inside I still am an insecure person. I can talk about my work, the people around me, the stuff I buy, the things that I see but by God I can’t talk about what I feel about them. That would be too much for me, to reveal my thoughts, deep deep hardcore uncensored thoughts to someone. It would strip me of being the person that I really am.

The very fact that my second marriage is surviving is because I have a fantastic husband; it has nothing to do with me. He takes care of me and gives me the space that I need. And that’s a whole lot. I am always lost deep in my thoughts and am no good in doing day to day family life, most of the time I am completely oblivious to what’s happening around me. World politics and the unhappiness of people do not interest me, neither am I strong enough to take responsibility of someone’s happiness. My own son lives with his father and as long as I know that he is having good food to eat, getting good grades in school and having a fun time living with his father, I am OK. When I talk to him daily I want to hear him happy. And that makes me happy.

Other than work, I am not into anything. Things interest me only for a short period of time. I can’t get myself to see through a project or concentrate on any one thing that takes time. So what’s the point of this post.....I am not really sure. What I do know that is that I am on the brink of getting lost....lost again..... and a new year has just about started.

Facebook

What’s most shocking to a mother? (well not really)

That while at work she checks her personal email address and sees that there is a mail from Facebook. Your son has just asked you to add him to your friend’s list.

Since when did your son become your friend? Facebook does change relationships!!

And what does the mother do?

Accepts the request and sends a link to her son asking him to add his uncle to his friend’s list.

Such is life......