Off Tangent

For a few days things have been really calm at home.  This is because I have been really busy; busy thinking about my future, life, ladiladila... It’s a good thing as I have very less time to moan and mope about the teeny tiny things that bug me about the house, DH and work.

I happened to watch this video last week.  Yes, it has taken its round all over the net. Take a look 

Then I met R (via this blog) and we spent a nice evening together.  One of the things R said remained with me.  We were talking about what I could have been, would have done etc etc and R asked me what was stopping me from pursuing my dreams now.  Good question, I hadn’t thought of it really.

So on the way back home, I started to lay down my case.  I will be 42 this year, do not know where my life is going, need to do something desperately that gives me some sense of self worth, security is important and of course always battling with the question what is the purpose of being born, being alive etc.  Is one’s purpose in life only to study, get married, have a nice job, bring up good kids and then wait to retire?  Surely there has to be more to life. 

I asked myself this fundamental question (with a bit of help from that video) – “If money was not a problem what would I be doing with my life right now?”

Didn't have to think for more than a second - I would want to be a Doctor.  It was a boat I had missed by being stubborn.  I had rubbished the thought 25 years back because I didn't want to conform to the expectations of my family, friends and my school.  Everyone around me thought I would become one and I had wanted to be “Different”.  After two marriages and moving to the UK “Different” I did become, but not in the ways I had thought I would be.

So here I am – declaring to the universe my wish.  It tick-marks the need for self worth and doing something that really matters.  For a temporary period – I can say goodbye to security and this will be really tough for me. 

At this point I do not know whether I will get through a medical college – I am way beyond age when compared to the normal students, have no background or degree with anything related to science, am not sure whether my so called SSC and Pre-degree marks in science group would be considered for entry and have lots to study for the UKCAT, BMAT and GAMSAT tests.  I will have to resign from my job and take massive loans to cover the tuition.

My research says it’s going to be tough, but I do know this – I would do anything, absolutely anything to get into the 2014 entry. 

Next Post: Reaction of Family and Friends.

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

Goals Update – 15th Jan

No point in making goals and resolutions if you are not going to track them.  So here goes the update.  Click here for my 2013 goals:

Health

1. With the exception of one day, I have exercised daily for the past 14 days.

2. I have covered 62.1 kms and that is 6.21% of my target – mainly by exercising on the elliptical.

3. Reduce red meat consumption – till date, have had just 2 kheema stuffed paratas and 2xsausages.

4. No sugar and no fizzy drinks – 1 can of coke and 1 can of 7-Up.  Well sweets that’s another story.  I stuffed myself with Indian sweets one day (just one day).

5. Take multi-vitamins and Omega 3 – DONE daily.

    I have lost 1.8 kgs and 5 inches in total since New Year.

Wealth

1. Save 60% of my salary every month – The Jan salary has not yet come through, so this one will be updated end of the month.

2. Track and record daily spending – SUCCESS

     Despite the holiday season, from the December salary I managed to save 47% of my salary - Son needed a smart phone, I had to pay the quarterly fees for my Japanese class etc. I will make a detailed expense update at the end of the month.

Experience

1. Be more serious about Japanese writing class – Even though I have my term break right now, I studied almost daily and am ready to start the new term on 18^th Jan.

2. Read one book per month – stretch to two books / month – I am in the middle of Malgudi Landscapes – The Best of R.K Narayan.  Will finish this in Jan.

3. Write my journal daily - SUCCESS

4. Cook at least 6 dishes per month – FAIL. I have cooked only one dish till now.  Made Dosas many times, but no other major cooking.  I have so much of left-over from New Year’s do.

5. Wake up between 4-5 am daily – FAIL.  My alarm is set for 4am but I usually end up getting out of bed by 7:00. This is something I have to work hard on this week.

6. Be strong, forgiving and thankful to God and pray – Pray = SUCCESS.  Have been reciting / singing? Mahisasuramardini every morning. Forgiving – though not a success can’t call it a failure either.  There is a healthy truce between DH and myself right now. (Can someone help correct my grammar here?  Is it DH and myself or DH and I?) Thankful to God – oh yes daily.....

     Touch wood - there is peace.

Home

1. Do one tough house work every week – First week I did so much of cleaning that I relaxed the second week. Completed the following:

·          Cleaned cooker hood

·          Cleaned Microwave (is that like a tough work, don’t know)

·          Defrost Freezer and cleaned it (after something like a year!)

·          Sorted out Hand Bag storage

·          Arranged my wardrobe

·          Filed all financial papers  

My days are so organized and I plan my to-do list for the next day.  Each and every second is well accounted for.  How can I ever go wrong with my goals now?

Goals for 2013

Something tells me that 2013 is going to be my year; it is going to bring me health, wealth, happiness and above all contentment.  I believe in this SO much that I can’t let the New Year go without making some goals for myself. 

Health

Objective: a) Eliminate my Cholesterol b) Reduce my weight by 10kgs

Methodology:

1. Exercise daily for 40 mins.  Start with 30-day Shred.
2. Cover 1000kms in exercise – rowing, cycling, elliptical or treadmill
3. Reduce red meat consumption
4. No sugar and no fizzy drinks
5. Take multi-vitamins and Omega 3
6. Be regular with daily routines – brush, facial and shower (I tend to skip on routines when I get busy!!)

Wealth

I have come to realise that money is a big motivating factor for me.  I am not going to shy away from saying this.  I LOVE money, but I stress here – I love money for the security it brings and not for the things I can buy with it.

Objective: a) Double my current savings by Dec 2013 b) No more frugal thinking

Methodology:

1. Save 60% of my salary every month
2. Track and record daily spending
3. Ban on make-up purchase in 2013
4. When I do have to buy something, I will buy the best that I can afford (this is in contrast to my current frugal thinking)
5. Don’t even think of buying a car – I don’t need one.

Experience

I am big on Korean & Japanese dramas and their cuisine.  In September I enrolled at SOAS for their part time course in Japanese.  As luck would have it, I am the best student in class-participation, but the worst performer in the class-test. 

I am also praying a lot, reciting slokas when at the oddest of times and I feel a lot calmer.  This year I intend to set aside time on a daily basis to pray / meditate / practise healing.

Objective: a) Visit one country in the Far East b) Have a sense of spiritual awareness c) Get back into doing things that I enjoyed as a teenager

Methodology:

1. Visit Japan in 2013
2. Be more serious about Japanese writing class
3. Read one book per month – stretch to two books / month
4. Write my journal daily
5. Cook at least 6 dishes per month
6. Wake up between 4-5 am daily
7. Be strong, forgiving and thankful to God – pray

Home

Objective: a) Make this house a home

Methodology:

1. Keep front & back garden neat and tidy.
2. Repair bathroom downstairs
3. Tidy under-stairs storage room
4. Tidy up back-garden fence
5. Paint all fences
6. Do one tough house work every week

And above all – LOVE MYSELF MORE

I know this blog has seen a lot of moans and complaints.  But I am not the one to just sit and cry.  I know I can just get up, dust my back and say let’s carry on.  From today this blog is taking a new turn – it’s going to be about my journey as I discover more about myself.  This blog will also be where I ensure I am on track with my goals and keep myself accountable.

To the few who are still reading my blog, I wish you all the very best for 2013.  Have you made any goals for 2013?  I would love to hear about it.

MBA Alumni Event

Picture Source

Let’s talk about my looks. You see I don’t think I look particularly beautiful, no I really don’t. I don’t even think I look particularly attractive. I believe I have the sort of face that one forgets easily and combined with my dressing, I am one that can easily blend in the crowd. But I do know this – I have a hearty laugh, one that comes from the pit of my stomach and no put-on about that. I also have a sort of sexy vibe about me, I can easily detect if someone is attracted towards me and I know how to play with that feeling. Well that’s about it.

Now coming to the case in point – This week I was at my MBA alumni meet and we had a rapid fire networking hour. You are given five minutes to introduce yourself to your fellow alumnus and vice versa. At the end of five minutes the organiser rings a bell and you are to move on to the next person. While I was trying to put my best smile, behaviour and what not forward, I noticed that there was a professional photographer trying to take pictures of the event. All went fine till a lady approached me. This said lady wanted to know whether they could interview me about my MBA experience; sure why not I said. What I had not expected was that it was being recorded on camera. Now with my bare make-up face and really simple dressing, I wasn’t comfortable with it, but went along with the idea. The lady was quite thrilled that I had agreed to the Q&A session. I mean to be on the MBA DVD brochure of Imperial College would be wow. There was however a question that gave me a bit of heartache and if I had to rewind the day I would have given a different answer.

One of the questions was about my nationality. Believe I was really stuck at this – was I British or Indian? Not that in the greater scheme of things this makes any difference. I have a thing about lying, so I blurted out British. But the second I said it, I knew I had said the wrong thing. Remember I was being filmed and did not have any time to think over my answers. I know now, if I am ever asked this question again – unless I have to fill up some forms, I would always remain an Indian. Not sure why I have a thing about nationality, I am not particularly patriotic or something like that, but I just can’t accept the fact that I had to give up my Indian nationality to be British. And this is one of the reasons that I still retain my Indian passport – illegal, I know.

Anyway back to the event day. After the Q&A session, the photographer from the event approached me for some photographs. She made me pose against a white wall and while taking pictures mentioned that I was selected because I had a beautiful smile. Though deep in my heart I was bursting with pride, all I could muster as a reply was “Yeah Sure”, to which the photographer said “No really, I am the one who hand-picked you for the lady.”

You all can well imagine how my evening went – right? I returned home pretty late – about 10ish. But all the while in the tube from South Ken to Southall and after – I had a spring in my step and a smile on face.

And I Cried

Picture source

I am not into poetry, really not.  If they are too literary I find it difficult to understand and if they are too simple, I tend to dismiss them.  If they are too romantic, I get a headache and if they are too depressive I want to get as far away as possible from the thoughts they evoke.

No, poetry is not my cup of tea.  The only poem I have enjoyed so far is this by Faith Wilding.  Funny part is that I even cried because of it.

I hope you enjoy it too..

Waiting A Poem by Faith Wilding


Waiting . . .waiting . . . waiting . . .

Waiting for someone to come in
Waiting for someone to hold me
Waiting for someone to feed me
Waiting for someone to change my diaper
Waiting . . .

Waiting to scrawl, to walk, waiting to talk
Waiting to be cuddled
Waiting for someone to take me outside
Waiting for someone to play with me
Waiting for someone to take me outside
Waiting for someone to read to me, dress me, tie my shoes
Waiting for Mommy to brush my hair
Waiting for her to curl my hair
Waiting to wear my frilly dress
Waiting to be a pretty girl
Waiting to grow up
Waiting . . .

Waiting for my breasts to develop
Waiting to wear a bra
Waiting to menstruate
Waiting to read forbidden books
Waiting to stop being clumsy
Waiting to have a good figure
Waiting for my first date
Waiting to have a boyfriend
Waiting to go to a party, to be asked to dance, to dance close
Waiting to be beautiful
Waiting for the secret
Waiting for life to begin
Waiting…

Waiting to be somebody
Waiting to wear makeup
Waiting for my pimples to go away
Waiting to wear lipstick, to wear high heels and stockings
Waiting to get dressed up, to shave my legs
Waiting to be pretty
Waiting . . .

Waiting for him to notice me, to call me
Waiting for him to ask me out
Waiting for him to pay attention to me
Waiting for him to fall in love with me
Waiting for him to kiss me, touch me, touch my breasts
Waiting for him to pass my house
Waiting for him to tell me I’m beautiful
Waiting for him to ask me to go steady
Waiting to neck, to make out, waiting to go all the way
Waiting to smoke, to drink, to stay out late
Waiting to be a woman
Waiting . . .

Waiting for my great love
Waiting for the perfect man
Waiting for Mr. Right
Waiting . . .

Waiting to get married
Waiting for my wedding day
Waiting for my wedding night
Waiting for sex
Waiting for him to make the first move
Waiting for him to excite me
Waiting for him to give me pleasure
Waiting for him to give me an orgasm Waiting . . .
Waiting for him to come home, to fill my time…
Waiting . . .

Waiting for my baby to come
Waiting for my belly to swell
Waiting for my breasts to fill with milk
Waiting to feel my baby move
Waiting for my legs to stop swelling
Waiting for the first contractions
Waiting for the contractions to end
Waiting for the head to emerge
Waiting for the first scream, the afterbirth
Waiting to hold my baby
Waiting for my baby to suck my milk
Waiting for my baby to stop crying
Waiting for my baby to sleep through the night
Waiting for my breasts to dry up
Waiting to get my figure back, for the stretch marks to go away
Waiting for some time to myself
Waiting to be beautiful again
Waiting for my child to go to school
Waiting for life to begin again
Waiting . . .

Waiting for my children to come home from school
Waiting for them to grow up, to leave home
Waiting to be myself
Waiting for excitement
Waiting for him to tell me something interesting, to ask me how I feel…
Waiting for him to stop being crabby, reach for my hand, kiss me good morning
Waiting for fulfillment
Waiting for the children to marry
Waiting for something to happen Waiting . . .

Waiting to lose weight
Waiting for the first gray hair
Waiting for menopause
Waiting to grow wise
Waiting . . .

Waiting for my body to break down, to get ugly
Waiting for my flesh to sag
Waiting for my breasts to shrivel up
Waiting for a visit from my children, for letters
Waiting for my friends to die
Waiting for my husband to die
Waiting . . .

Waiting to get sick
Waiting for things to get better
Waiting for winter to end
Waiting for the mirror to tell me that I’m old
Waiting for a good bowel movement
Waiting for the pain to go away
Waiting for the struggle to end
Waiting for release
Waiting for morning
Waiting for the end of the day
Waiting for sleep
Waiting…

March Round-Up

Letting March go without recapping it would not be fair to myself.

On to the highlights of the month:

Spent two gorgeous weeks in Kerala with my family. It was mom’s 60th birthday and when she said that she wanted to celebrate it, I didn’t have the heart to refuse. I did something illegal – travelled to India on my Indian passport, though I am now a British Citizen. My excuse, I did not have the time to surrender the Indian passport, then apply for the Indian visa. Why when I had the Indian passport already with me? Now pls don’t ask me why I still have my Indian passport instead of surrendering it sometime last year. Pure Laziness, nothing else. In Feb I had decided on a shopping ban. In India I ended up buying three kurtis and 2 salwars. But the thing that actually broke my bank account was the shopping for my family – son, parents, brother and my beautiful nieces. If I have to do it again, I would without a second thought. It was also the time that I got to write about eeprika’s request on a role that I played (here, here, here & here). Only downer to trip – it was so hot in Kerala that I literally sweat buckets!!

Two days after my return and on an almost sunny day (beginning of spring so to speak), I got a terrible stomach ache and had to get a minor operation done. I really don’t know why it happened to me at this stage. But nevertheless the very incident of having lost a baby made me think a lot. DH says that it’s an IT and I say it was a BABY. We have yet to talk about the incident and knowing DH we are never going to talk about it.

The irony of it all - in 15 years while I had 100% chance of conceiving I never conceived once, but now, the doctor says, with just one fallopian tube intact I have 50% chances of conceiving.  Hello - Doctor do I look stupid to you??

In the meanwhile, however, my mind has been at work and I have reached at some decisions. My family, including DH might say that it was due to the above and some of it might be true, but I would say it that this incident made me see some things clearly. I am still pondering over it even now and hopefully in April (this month) I will have enough courage to put down my thoughts to a post.

A Role That I Play - Concluding Part 4

In her second last email to DH, G had asked DH to reconsider her proposal. G had suggested to DH that they should get back together. Now that the love story with the married tutor was going nowhere, G wanted DH back. DH replied to G saying that he was seriously considering marrying the person he had met on Kerala Matrimony.com (that's me) and that they should just remain friends.

G's last email to DH (which he did not reply to) was an enquiry about how far DH had gotten with his marriage plans (to me) and whether he would be interested in joining her for an exhibition at V&A. G's plan was to come down from Oxford and spend a whole day with DH. G closed the email with "Your one and only G". I found it funny that G would question about DH's marriage plans and yet close the email with your one and only.

We women are stupid - if a man has a roving eye, it is because the woman walking past is too good looking. When in love we do not find any faults with our men. But once out of love,, we do not have to do much before all the wrongs surface and we see things clearly.

I left for Dubai in April 2005 after having stayed with DH for almost 5 months since November 2004. Luckily for me my old company called me back at a higher pay and better position.

After the incident things were a bit sour between and DH and me. We had lost our spontaneity completely. I was always wondering whether I would discover something new about DH and DH was always trying to decipher my thoughts.

When hurt, I can be a really mean person. I make no bones of it. The fear of having my man taken, seduced perhaps (this DH says has never happened, but I am not sure) and my own jealousy of having to ghost-confront a really intelligent and educated woman meant that I had to provide DH with some hard evidence of what type of a person G really was. I had to be one step ahead in all my dealings.

You see DH thinks that all people are straight forward in life, have no shrewdness in them and would do no harm to others. But he forgot that Malayalis are a breed on their own. (You know I hate sounding this crude). There is a joke about Malayali crabs. Apparently once crabs are put into a bucket, you need to cover these buckets with a lid. But not so the buckets with Malayali crabs inside. This is because each Malayali crab would try to pull down the other Malayali crab trying to climb out of the bucket. I whole heartedly believe this.

Slowly from G's correspondence with her parents I found out that G and her family had selected DH's marriage proposal only because they felt this was an easier route for G to continue her studies abroad. G came from a poor family, though all her other relatives were stationed abroad and G had a big complex about this. Every time I got the evidence, I would forward the mail to DH. Then there was this mail that G had sent to her parents telling them that it would be OK to get back with DH now that his mother was no more. G had written various emails to friends and family saying that DH had hit her and that he was a violent person. That DH got himself made redundant and that he would not contribute to the household expenses. My poor DH he did two part time jobs at the time and never took a penny from G towards the household. How could he? G was staying in Oxford after all. G also went on and on about how she could not get over her love for her tutor.

Worst part of this story is that all this spying on G has me fall in my own eyes. Right now I am reading a novel called Shantaram. But reading about G's life as it unfolds in front of me has given me a power that she had tried to take away from me. Its like stalking, I know all about this person and this person does not even know that I exist. DH would tell me to stop reading G's emails. But then the more I read, the more evidence I get against her and I gain a small victory. (Yes anonymous, I am not perfect and have never claimed to be.)

I am ashamed, but this really is my secret, my own little secret that I share with DH and his sister. My sister-in-law is the sweetest person that one could ever meet. She is fun to be with and is so caring towards one and all. G would even write nasty things about my sis-in-law.

Its been seven years since I started with my so-called revenge and in all this time I have closely lived with G - her triumphs, her achievements, her pains, her trials and her life. Now it is no longer due to her stint with DH many many years back; today I no longer know why I stalk, its just a part of my life. Its like watching a TV drama that has no ending. I am not expecting anyone to understand this - no really.

G enrolled with so many matrimonial agencies and I see so many of her replies to prospective grooms. I feel like shaking her up and telling her so many things. Her introduction letter sounds like a job resume and as she has grown older she no longer needs to hide under the Malayali arranged set-up. G is more forthright about what she wants and no longer makes bones of the fact that she wants an equally accomplished, educated and rich man.

Today I feel pity for her (though jealousy on her education is still there!). I admire people who live in pursuit of only education, when nothing deters them from that dedication and often even when they sacrifice their own lives for it. I don't know what to call it. I pray for her well being and hopes she can get over DH (no, not her love for DH, but her hatred for him.  When she didn't get DH, she went on a character assassination mission of DH).

DH and I got married in mid-2006. We have tried to be as honest as possible to each other since that fateful day. DH knows about this blog, though I do not know whether he follows it regularly. If there is one person that I can call the rock of my life - that is DH. He knows me inside out, he knows my deepest darkest secret and supports me in most cases (except my OCD). I am no longer insecure about my relationship with DH. Of course we have our marriage bumps every now and then. But this is my destination relationship. It has been built from tears and trials and the foundation is too solid.  I am home with the person that I love and now it no longer matters how I got here. 
My detective role, however continues.........