New Year

For some people, no change that, for everyone New year starts on 1st Jan.  Not for me though.  For me, my New Year started on 1st Dec.  OK go on, ask me the obvious question - why?

2012 was a horrible year for me. 2013, despite the lows was much better.  2014, my friends, is MY year and 12 months of it is just not enough.  Also I moved to my new assignment at work today.  A new job, a new year and a fantastic me.  This is how I see it.  Surprisingly, and so unlike me, I have been in a very content space the past two months.  It is as if I have everything I need.  I have so much of stuff - clothes, shoes, makeup, bags (no, that does not make me stop from window shopping), I cook and eat such good food, DH & I - we are good with each other (and hopefully good for each other too!), my son, mom and brother are healthy and for once we have started accepting each other as we are (Not an easy thing I tell and it took us a long time to get here).

There is love, there is peace and above all there is Harmony.  Maybe that was missing before - HARMONY.  I mean, I wanted people to be this way and that way without ever looking at a middle ground, a half way through.  Happiness does exist there too.

I no longer feel poor (Sure I could do with a million dollar lottery win), I feel beautiful, healthy and wanted all the time.  Yes WANTED ALL THE TIME (DH deserves a lot of credit here).  Like relationships, feeling beautiful and healthy requires a lot of effort.  These days I look at myself in the mirror and am surprised at the pretty woman staring back at me.

I do not feel the need to blog.  This blog, I associate it with unhappiness, discontent and tears.  But today, this very second, I don't care.  Everything is perfect.  Perfect, not in a perfect way, but more like all the imperfections have a perfect fit.  Does that make any sense at all?

Totally off tangent now.  I had to stop my Japanese classes in November.  The weekly trips to SOAS was too much to squeeze in to an already busy schedule.  Rather unfortunate as I was really getting the hang of learning a foreign language.  Today at my new work place, I found out that they were giving Mandarin classes for a piddly fees.  And you bet your sweet ass I enrolled for it as soon as I saw the advert.  Classes begin in January and every Wednesdays, during lunch time I will attend these classes. When one door closes, another one opens - is all that I can say.

God / the universe is with me. Wait and watch me fly this year.

How was 2013 for you?  What are your plans for 2014?

Where I am now....

I really wanted to do an update post.  Fact is there is nothing much to update about.  Well nothing dramatic anyway.

To put things into a nutshell - no it is not working for us, we tried.  We hardly talk to each other now.  No we don't hate each other.  Yes we still live in the same house but have separate bedrooms.  Let's say we are cordial.  Where am I going to with this and what am I going to do?  I have no blooming clue.  Am I going to be stressed over it? NO.

So there goes the update.  In the meanwhile other things have been happening in life.  Nice stuff.  Once I understood the source of my expectations, wants and requirements, things seemed pretty simple.  I have been buying things like crazy - dresses and shoes.  Last year I was dead frugal, but this year I have decided to splurge.  I have a few girl friends and go out with them occasionally.  I no longer obsess over keeping the house neat and clean all the time.  It helps that I no longer think of this house as mine - I have let go of that.  I am just a paying guest now minus the paying.

I have started running again - 5K is very doable these days.  I am moving to a new assignment within the company.  The new position sounds really exciting - Plant Manager.  Yes I will be the person with the safety shoes and hat.  The office is located close to home and I will no longer require to work from home.  Just the thought of going to the office twice or thrice a week and dressing up for it thrills me.   For the first time I will be reporting to someone way younger than me (or at least he looks very young).  Did I mention that my immediate boss is extremely good looking?  Now before you think up of something - No I don't shit where I eat.  A lesson learnt a very long time back!

Is life looking good?  Where I came from and where I am at this very second - I believe so.

Maybe I might rant a bit in the next post.  I am just getting the hang of writing again.

Something Has To Go

Today I come with a minor news.  A couple of month's back I did not get a promotion that I had thought I rightfully deserved.  Read about that fiasco here and here. In our next 1:1 meeting, I had told my boss that we should align and document an action plan for a promotion next year.

But ever since the idea of becoming a doctor entered my mind, I have been busy studying for the various qualifying tests.

So life was looking pretty rosy - it didn't matter how the job was going 'cause I needed more time for my studies. There was Japanese and A-level science to catch up.  Studying Physics, Chemistry and Biology had  a new meaning.

Then came yesterday.  I was called to inform that I would be given a promotion if I performed well in a new assignment.  The new assignment would be for a period of eight months, handling two toughest categories in my company.  If at the end of it I were to get positive reviews from management, then the promotion is a guarantee.  And before anyone asks, no I did not have a choice.  The person handling these two categories was going on an adoption leave and they needed an experienced person to step in.  To top it all, my current role has been put on the website for internal applicants.

So let's rewind and breakdown this information.  I have a new assignment for 8 months.  If I do it well, I get a promotion and then I have to search internally within the company for a new role.  Even if I don't get a promotion, I have to leave the assignment and search for a new role within the company after 8 months.  Why? Because in my company people have to change assignments every three years and by Jan 14, I would have completed fours years in similar assignments.

Today was the formal announcement.  Some people congratulated me and others actually commented "Oh Poor You...."  Personally, I don't know what to make of it.

With this new work responsibility, I won't have time for things that really matter to me - studying and exercising. I will be travelling a lot and I mean a lot, will be handling twice the number of projects that I am handling currently and be dead strapped for time.

All this point to just one question - "What about my dreams of becoming a doctor?" Reality has not yet sunk in because I will takeover the role only next Monday.

What do you guys think?  An opportunity knocking or a hurdle in disguise?

God Is Tickling Me

So I return from Brussels with the bad news on my promotion and I cry my guts out. 

Goes without saying that I had a tough time sleeping; so what do I do?  At 1:00 in the morning I go through a recruitment site and for the first time in my life – I actively check out the jobs there for me to apply and I send out my CV.

On Saturday, I did not even bother going for my Japanese class.  I looked terrible with my puffy eyes from crying and blocked nose.  At about 9:00 in the morning I get an email from this recruitment agency – saying they were interested in my CV.  They phoned me up, sent me a company application form (the company I had applied for) and they sounded damn impressed with my 14 years experience in FMCG and an MBA (believe me I never thought this MBA would do me any good).  The salary for this position is 1.5 times what I am earning plus take this....A CAR!!!!

Now remember this, I have changed jobs only twice in my life.  And have been with my current company for 14 years, so I don’t even know what an interview is.  I have not harboured any interest in changing companies or looking for better opportunity elsewhere.  I am not sure how to handle this.  Just going to say yes to everything at this point, yes – I will go for an interview if called, yes – I will scout around for better opportunities.

Look at the irony of the whole situation – just when I thought my career was going down the drains, I get interests from companies, for a better package.  God is indeed great...... I may / may not join another company, but I do know that I am not utterly useless.

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Double Whammy

Just got back from Brussels.

What started as a nice day at work turned out so bad.  I had my 1:1 review with my boss.

The promotion which I thought was due this year, well apparently it seems I am not ready for it.

I am good at 4 Es - Empower, Enable, Energize and Engage but lack Envision.  And to rub salt on the wound, I get a 4.85% salary increase - surely it must be a joke.  But my boss said no - that's the highest she could give in the UK.  My boss was very sweet in breaking out the news to me, so its not like she was being terrible or anything like that.  She is a nice woman and a great boss.

Now let's be objective and look at this - failure as a mother, a wife (twice over) and now in career as well.  42 years - what the fuck did I achieve?  So yeah, maybe I don't have this "Envision"....I don't know whether I am coming or going or just stationary.

I did something new today.  I came home, hugged my son and cried.......

(Now before someone says I shouldn't have done it and that it makes me a bad mother, I know it... but I just needed to hug someone and cry, someone who LOVES me)

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

Today

Some days, just some days life seems to be perfect.  You love your husband and your son, you don’t care much about the state of your home, you have done everything in your to-do list, even an hour of exercise, had good healthy home-made food, its pay day and you have put aside a chunk of your salary in so-called savings and finally at work you have a stress free time. 

Now let me take a moment and enjoy this feeling......

A Time For Tears

You know I don’t cry much. I can feel sad, depressed, lonely and be silent for a long time, but never cry. I don’t think myself as too strong it’s just that tears don’t come unless it’s a situation that involves my son.

Having said that I cried recently (twice!!) - I happened to watch the new release of Mile Sur Mera Tumhara and shed buckets of tears. I miss India, I miss not being part of India’s growth and most of all I miss home and the flavour of the country. What the hell am I doing in this cold, bleak, wintry place I have no clue.

The second time my eyes welled up when my new boss send me a chat message asking me whether I was happy? Oh my God, since when did bosses start asking this sort of question?

As to whether I am happy at work - for the first time I can say that I am truly content with what I am doing.

My ex-boss - P

I finally got back at my ex-female boss P in my own sweet way. It might seem so, what shall I say – insignificant, but it marks a big leap of confidence for me. First let’s get over the “female” emphasis here. I believe there are good women bosses just as there are good men bosses. But when it comes to bad bosses women take the cake over men any day. They can get mean, vicious, ugly and conniving. One has to experience it to know it. Coming back to P, she was none of these. P is someone who can smile at you and stab you royally at the back. She would praise you for doing something and then make that praise sound so artificial – beats the purpose really if you ask me. She would say so and so person said this and that about you (UNPROFESSIONAL!!).

P is also the first person to tell me that in order to get a promotion I should know how to lick up to her bosses. Hmm...did I hear that right? C’mon we are not talking about a small grocery store here. We work in a global multi-national company which has more than say 200,000 employees across the globe. P desperately needs to go for a man-management training. Any way P has worked in the same dept for 20 years and has seen people go in and out of the department. P’s strategy worked, ‘cause in the end she ended up being the boss. Now all this is fine. Problem is P has a soft spot for men. She quickly rewards men and tortures the women in her dept.

I could not figure out why till P finally, after a few drinks at an office party, told my colleague that her mother had abandoned her when she was 15 and she lived with her Dad whom she adored. OK so now what am I supposed to do with the information? My colleague told me that I should understand where P was coming from and why she behaved the way she did. I am sorry, but when you enter the door to the office building, please keep your worries, complexes and insecurities outside. I am not the one to stroke your sorrows.

Let’s come back to P and me. P begrudgingly approved of me. I cared two hoots about what she thought about me and I was too damn good at my job. You know, after a certain age, you don’t need someone to tell you you are good if you are genuinely good. The people around you will gush enough about how they need to get in touch with you to get work done. But during the three years that I worked with P she gave me crap increments and no rewards at all. So it was but natural for me to look for another job in the company, which I did and got selected in a one week flat.

I am happy with my decision to leave P’s dept and go to a dept where the male boss is really nice. Hey if a woman boss is not good enough then you go for the other gender.

Today I was called for a quick chat with P. Apparently P is responsible for this year’s annual salary increase as I had spent the good part of the year working in her dept. So P made it sound as if I had to attend this chat as she wanted to reward me for my good work. And the reward guys – a piddly 5% increase. Feel the fire coming out of my eyes, ears and any orifice that I have when I heard this. I don’t care how the global economy is doing, all I am bothered about is that my company is doing fantastically well and I should get better than a 5% increase.

I waited for exactly two minutes before I blurted out – “P do you have anything more to tell me? If you don’t I would like to end this chat.” Having said this I just walked out of the huddle room with my head held high. P, I believe, had thought that I would smile, thank her for what she had done and probably even licked her feet for it. Sorry I have had enough of this woman. And if you can’t beat the woman, then walk away. Amen.

Never in her life has P had a subordinate cut her short mid-way. And this, my friends, is my small little glory.

To work or not to work....from home

I work in an environment that follows something called an agile office policy. This means that you do not have a desk assigned to you. When you come to the office, you need to get hold of the first desk that you see in your department and for that entire day that particular desk becomes your desk. But when its time to go home you have to clear the desk of all your items ‘cause the next day that very desk might be used by someone else. Companies adopt agile office policy in order to save on space and the cost that it incurs.

While the above is the actual policy of the company, most of the employees have their own desks. A select few work from home and a fewer than that hot desk. Hot desks are empty desks in each department and anyone from any department can use them. When you have a UK office that has 900 odd employees and an office that can accommodate only 600, you do have to slip between working from home and office.

Anyway the point in concern here is me. I am territorial by nature; I need to have a desk with pictures of my son, a calendar, my large flat computer screen, a flask of hot water and a small make-up pouch on my table to even call it my workspace. It should be devoid of any dust with no clutter what-so-ever caused from paper piles. Phew too many requirements really; but not so today - it’s my first day at the new job and guess what? I do not have a desk; in fact I do not have a department at all. My department is based in a Western European Country and I work from the UK office – technically called a location free employee. So it’s no wonder that without a boss here no one really cares whether I come to the office or not.

Alright so I should work from home. But hang on I like dressing up for work in the morning, having lunch with my ex-colleagues and taking part in a bit of general gossip. Apart from these reasons, the frugal in me uses the company-gym daily which costs just £18 a month and also shops at the staff shop every week (its very very cheap I tell you!!).

The obvious solution would be to work a few days from home and the rest from work.  But you see I go to the gym 5 days a week and I just can't sacrifice that.  Now I am in a fix really – what should I do? Hang on the desk (by working from home. Yes, I do have a nice clean desk) or make use of what the company building has to offer – an almost free gym and staff shop.  Either way I lose...or a win perhaps?

On The Work Front

Once in a while you come up with the vaguest and most unrealistic career progression plan. It’s all about jumping that one step without really walking the whole way through. I handle so much of work and I mean responsible work that I can almost feel it in my bones – feel the need for a promotion. Now whether what I feel will translate into reality is a different matter all together.

Now about this vague idea – it too complicated to explain over here but anyone hearing it would definitely think that I was going cuckoo – it was just too ambitious and I don’t think people really picture me that way. I needed an objective opinion about it and called this guy in Geneva who I knew from my Dubai days. I just had to know what he thought about it. Well talking about dampening someone’s enthusiasm – that’s exactly what he did. But I am glad that someone brought me back to earth rather than me discussing this vague ambitious plan with my boss.

Tomorrow I am going to have a mini work-review with my boss. Hopefully she is going to tell me that my current role is scoped for the next level of promotion. If not I will have to look around. I have been with this company for so long (not that long just 9 years!!) that I really do not know how the world is outside for someone who is searching for a job. Sometimes it’s not enough to just do well working in multinational company where you know you have a stable job. I don’t know whether this is some sort of a mid-life crisis; but I jus feel like living some new experiences, go through some highs and thrills and feel good about myself.

Parking Space Robber

My office has car- parking space for 200 odd cars. This is excluding the space available for visitors. I believe if you come in after 9:30 in the morning, it might be difficult for one to find a space to park.

Anyway I have no such problems because I arrive at 7:15 in the morning. I go to the office gym quite regularly these days and at that time of the day most of the people are still in bed. Every day I park my car at the nearest exit to my office building. And if anyone enters the car park, the first thing they will see is my car. Now you could call this my favourite car park space. It’s like an unwritten rule....that space is MINE and mine only.

For the past few weeks I have not always been successful in getting this favourite space. Occasionally someone else beats me to it and it’s usually the same car – a grey VW Passat. Last week I had the odd pleasure of arriving just in time to get into the parking lot first and I got my space. That day I had a good look at this person who was so desperate to get my space. Now you may ask me how did I decipher that the driver was desperate? Simple, if this car arrives before me, it is invariably parked in my space.

As expected, the driver of the Passat is a GUY and an older man at that – say maybe 48ish. Shouldn’t older men be beyond ego and petty behaviour? I know, I know...I am all that and more. After all I am cribbing about a petty parking space.

An incident happened today which definitely takes the cake. Now I don’t know the route that this guy takes and am not really interested about it. But today I saw this grey Passat on M25, right behind me. Even for a second I didn’t suspect that it could be this guy. I mean I still had another 15 miles to reach my office. Then as I took the exit for Junction 11, this car was right behind me. This is when I realised that the guy tailing me was definitely my space-robber.

For those who do not know the way to my office. Right after the exit at Junction 11 the double lanes stretch just for a few kms and then it becomes single traffic lane. And that means no over taking. This stupid guy he was so rash in his driving that he over took me at the round about. Sorry about this – but what an ASSHOLE. So obviously this stupid old man with the grey Passat reached the office car park before me. I on the other hand parked some where irrelevant, far away from his car.

For a few seconds I took it all in good humour. I tried telling myself many thing - first come first served, that I had bigger things in life to worry about and all that bullshit. But you know what? Its my ego, its this Jhansi Rani that he has provoked.
I can be a bitch when I want to. From tomorrow onwards I will leave home at least 15 mins earlier. So this guy wants my space...eh? If I have anything to do with it, he will never get it again. Or in the proper Bollywood style.... OVER MY DEAD BODY...

Its all falling into place...

You see this is what I do – so many happy happy days and not a mention of it here. But come a small issue and I have to moan and moan about it.

So here goes to happy days – I had a wonderful time at Tate Modern watching Rothko’s works. It was great to spend time with DH in activities that he so enjoys. Then spent two wonderful days at home hiding away from the freezing snow outside. I have come to realise that snow is good as long as I am looking at it from my window. I don’t want to walk on it, play with it or even drive on it.

Work has been going great guns. For once there is a truce between my boss and me. Not sure whether it is because I have lowered my expectations of how I feel a perfect boss should be. Could be, don’t you think so?

DH and I have been going pretty smooth (oh pls touch wood!!). No temper tantrums, no loud talks and most of all no long silences. We have found our comfort zone I guess.

I am feeling a bit more organised than usual – in expenses, household matters and generally in life. Going to the gym has been another uplifting factor. I really have no time to think, worry and moan.

If there is one more thing I wish I could do to make this whole thing perfect it would be to start studying again. Exams are in May and I can’t get myself to open my books to study.
Oh one more thing – the most important in fact. I miss my son sooooo much!!

I love my look...

I am one of those people who are always in their jeans and casual tops at work. For the life of me, I cannot squeeze my feet into a pair of heeled shoes. And make-up, well that’s something I discovered a few months back. Though I have waist length hair I have not yet blow dried my hair and used a hair-straightener for the first time in 2006 the day I got married.

I used to dress up well as a teenager and even during my college days. I believe that God gives you a quota for everything and once you have used up your quota you are left with nothing. When I first started working I used to be dressed to the Ts – mini skirts, matching jackets – the works. But even then I was never into too much of make-up.

With the piling pounds (due to being a hypothyroid) my dressing is often dictated by comfort over style. That’s how I like it. I like my pair of glasses over the contact lens – any day. The intelligent, nerdy look is how I visualise myself.

Anyway you should now have a fair idea of how I look. Last week I went to our annual departmental conference to Dublin. For every business trip the day before I leave DH and I spend a few hours deciding on which outfits I should take for my trip. There is a dress-rehearsal each and every time and DH tries his level best to make me wear dresses and skirts again. I do have all my old outfits. The frugal me just refuses to give away my beautiful old clothes. After all the dress rehearsals I end up packing my usuals – black, black and more black trousers, shirts and the most boring of jackets. I find fault with most parts of my body – thin ankles (my pet peeve), thick thighs, rhino hips and big tummy.

Funnily enough this time I decided to go along with DH’s suggestions. Ever since I started exercising I have a new-found love for my body. Not that it has changed even by an inch, but somehow I have developed an interest to make myself to look more beautiful.

So off I packed a plum mini-skirt suit and a black pin stripped dress with black jacket (yes, the black has to crop up somewhere) for day wear. For night time I had lavender coloured top with a chunky Butler and Wilson necklace. For the second evening I had this beautiful white top with black flowers on it. To hide my thin ankles I took just boots – sexy black ones with a hint of heel.

Now if I could sum up my look in one word it would be, no not would, it was WOW... and this too from others. Some of the comments were:

“She’s like Ugly Betty” (now I am not sure whether that was a compliment)

“Chinty looks like a lady now.”

And for the first time someone called me something what I have always wanted to hear – ELEGANT.
Forget the fact that all the pictures still showed my fat self, this conference has just made my whole year!!

The Big Talk

The first thing that I did when I got to work yesterday was to send a short mail to my boss telling her that I needed to talk to her immediately. Since my boss is home based and travels extensively, it is very difficult to have a one-to-one with her. Within five minutes I got a reply asking me whether the talk would be about my leaving the company and if not whether I was OK with talking on the phone. My reply - no to both the questions, this issue was extremely important to me.

Luckily for me BB (big boss) was leaving for Geneva from Terminal 5 and she thought it best that we meet there. Hey, no problems with me. The day before I had already made a list of all the issues I wanted to discuss with her and about a paragraph each on what exactly I intended to tell her. If moaning about work was going to be a problem with DH, then it is definitely time for me to sort out my issues with BB.

- I had negotiated for an 8-4 working day before starting my new position. Why was there a subtle pressure being put on me to sit longer hours?
- When I sit at office and work late hours BB never asks me what exactly I am doing. So why is it that when I want to leave work early, I have to give my entire life history justifying why I am taking off earlier than usual?
- BB made some unprofessional comments during one of the meeting. Ask her why she made that remark.
- Talk to her about her trust issues

I did not want to be diplomatic but just say things as they really are. I was so fed up of all the internal politics and snooping around that was going on within the department and much of it instigated and encouraged by BB. My last boss is/was my role model and I thought this one would take her place effortlessly. But people can be so drastically different from each other. Current BB is a bit stuck up.

Anyway, it was very difficult for me to begin the conversation with her. Though I knew what to say, I was uncomfortable in how to dish it out to her. But once I started I got the flow and it went great. Right at the beginning I told her that I wanted to speak up first and once I was through, she could have her turn. Because she was willing to hear me out and really understand what I was talking about, I thought it was a win-win situation. Remember I was willing to resign if I was not going to get my way. But hey when I have people signing my praise at work all the time, I did sort of know that BB would be stupid if she asked me to leave. It’s funny, when you are prepared to quit, the fear goes away and you can get away with saying almost anything and believe me I did. It was such a frank talk that we both are glad that I made that first step to initiate it.

In the end I got my way. She agreed to all my conditions with me agreeing to just one of hers. I am so relieved.

Now I have just one bone of contention with BB - She supports McCaine!!

Morning Person

I am a morning person, ask me to wake up at 4 am to do something and I am most likely to do it. But tell me to concentrate after 9 pm, the time usually reserved to do some bed time reading then I am not your person. Mornings work well for me - I can study, exercise, do anything with the exception of having food so early. I like beating the traffic and getting to work earlier than most people, usually at around 7:40 in the morning. And then work till about 4 pm.

By the time people start trickling in to the office, I would have managed to complete a big chunk of my work. Now this may sound as blowing one’s own trumpet, but being the efficient person that I am and because I absolutely love what I am doing right now, I finish my work quite fast and have spells of periods when I have nothing much to do. People that I liaise with in other departments are just signing my praises. So I know that whatever I am doing I am doing it well and alright.

Even my boss, quite grudgingly, is coming around to accepting that. But the big rock that she holds against me is on my preferred work timings. She hates and I mean absolutely hates the fact that I want to come for work early and leave on time. BB (Big Boss) some how expects me to do an extra hour on a daily basis. I did a small calculation and she must be joking if she thinks that I would be willing to do that. Effectively it means that I would end up working an extra 32 days on a free of charge basis. Yeah sure!!

So the past whole week I have been internally moaning about just one thing – not having enough guts to confront my boss about this....

Office Politics - 2

At the office staff canteen lunch is served exactly at 12 noon, and because the staff count is about 600, you better get to the canteen five minutes before noon to get the hottest of meals and the best of seats.

So yesterday, as usual H and I left for lunch soon enough to escape the long queue. I could see that H was tired and that she was having a tough time just standing straight. You see, to earn extra cash H works at the bar during weekends and though one might think that she was having a tough time to stand ‘cause of downing all those drinks, its not true. She works her butt off at the bar to keep her house warm and feed her family.

Anyway, by the time we finished lunch H was so tired that she was feeling dizzy and requested that she be allowed to go home. What am I to say? No don’t? Of course not, I told her to go right away and just to add a hint of concern I asked her how she was planning to drive herself back home in her condition. Thankfully H did not ask for a lift to her home.

An hour later, I get a call from BB (that’s Big Boss for you):

BB - so is everybody in the office?

C – (Who am I? Your attendance keeper?) H left home ‘cause she was sick.

BB - Did it look genuine?

C – (Tell you what? Go to H’s house and check for yourself whether she was faking it or not.). Well yeah...

BB – Ok

I don’t like it when BB questions me about my colleagues, makes me feel like a spy and the truth is that I just don’t like that role. It might be a path to earn BB’s respect, but it seems such a slimy way to get into the good books of your boss.

For the time being though, I am keeping quite (read that as bottling up) and going along with the flow. And one day when the sh*@ hits the fan, my boss is not going to be all that thrilled with me.

Office Politics - 1

While work has been interesting and exhilarating, it hasn’t been without its own minor friction with the Big Boss (BB).

I have been home based for the past two years and now I am an office based employee. With this shift, I have undergone some subtle yet minor changes. I talk to my other office based staff more often, we have lunches together and generally discuss a lot more things than before. During one such chat I said that I was going to do an 8 to 4 shift as for me it would mean beating both the morning and evening traffic.

Apparently someone found it in their interest to impart this piece of information to my Big Boss who is still office based. And then I was pulled up for having “discussed” this with others. Apparently being a manager I am not supposed to have this sort of conversation with people “at that level”. If I give the impression that I am sticking to strict hours, then they too would stick to their hours and it would cause a big problem for BB. The admin staffs in our department come in at around 10 and leave at 7. On a different not, BB wanted me to tell them that they should reach the office by 9. (Now why should I say that to them, you are the boss – go tell them yourself!!)

It is precisely at that very second that I lost all my respect for BB. In my eyes there are no differences between managers and admin staff. In the UK we need not work more than the stipulated working hours and if we do want to put in some extra hours, it is entirely based on a mutual agreement between the employee and employer and does not in any way matter what level you are at.

Following this incident, I went through all our office manuals just to make sure that my company does practice what it preaches – that we must have a healthy work-life balance!!

I hate it when people at such high levels discriminate others. What guarantee is there that behind my back BB is not discussing me with some others?