Where I am now....

I really wanted to do an update post.  Fact is there is nothing much to update about.  Well nothing dramatic anyway.

To put things into a nutshell - no it is not working for us, we tried.  We hardly talk to each other now.  No we don't hate each other.  Yes we still live in the same house but have separate bedrooms.  Let's say we are cordial.  Where am I going to with this and what am I going to do?  I have no blooming clue.  Am I going to be stressed over it? NO.

So there goes the update.  In the meanwhile other things have been happening in life.  Nice stuff.  Once I understood the source of my expectations, wants and requirements, things seemed pretty simple.  I have been buying things like crazy - dresses and shoes.  Last year I was dead frugal, but this year I have decided to splurge.  I have a few girl friends and go out with them occasionally.  I no longer obsess over keeping the house neat and clean all the time.  It helps that I no longer think of this house as mine - I have let go of that.  I am just a paying guest now minus the paying.

I have started running again - 5K is very doable these days.  I am moving to a new assignment within the company.  The new position sounds really exciting - Plant Manager.  Yes I will be the person with the safety shoes and hat.  The office is located close to home and I will no longer require to work from home.  Just the thought of going to the office twice or thrice a week and dressing up for it thrills me.   For the first time I will be reporting to someone way younger than me (or at least he looks very young).  Did I mention that my immediate boss is extremely good looking?  Now before you think up of something - No I don't shit where I eat.  A lesson learnt a very long time back!

Is life looking good?  Where I came from and where I am at this very second - I believe so.

Maybe I might rant a bit in the next post.  I am just getting the hang of writing again.

Regaining Some Control

I am coming to this grand realization that things don't always go as per plans.  I am a prime example of that, yet I religiously plan almost everything.  I have a love affair with my daily planner.

Planning aside, I also know now that I cannot control anything - my career, my family life, the type of mother that I am, my thoughts, nothing really....

But I do know this one small thing.  I am the master of my own body (discount any sickness here.  I suffer from hypothyroidism and there are many others out there with diseases not of their own doing).  I can control what I put into it and how I treat it.

Yes, I walk tall - I cannot make my spine any more erect.  Yes, I exercise every other day - I run, swim, workout at home etc.  Yes, I watch what I eat - limit sweets, red meat and gluten.  Yes, I have started looking much better than what I used to in my 30s.  And I know this hard work will pay off, I am going to look SEXY.  And in the near future, when I wear my super tight jeans with my beautiful bum sticking out, I am going to be looking at all these people around and think to myself - You can kiss my ass....

Thought I couldn't make it uh?

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

The Drama Continues

I am loud, crass, crude and totally lack any social or diplomatic skills when I am angry or excited.  Both ends of my emotional spectrum.  If I don't get it out of my system,  the emotional build up would do me more harm than good.

I have been exercising like crazy and now I am beginning to see some abs and leg definition.  I have always liked seeing before and after snaps of people and thought it best to get a "before" picture taken before I truly lost oodles of weight (that wish looks like a reality at the moment).

So after a grueling 10kms on the elliptical and a 40mins weight exercise I asked DH whether he could take a picture of mine.  I wanted one taken in a two piece swimming costume.  DH was in the living room at the time. After he agreed, I went to my room (next to the living room) and changed into my costume.  Then I called out to DH informing him that I was ready.  No response.  I called out to DH again, this time a bit louder. Not a word, so I raised my volume again.  Remember I couldn't get out of my room 'cause my son was upstairs. I must have called DH four times before our Maharajah tells me that he is just shutting down his netbook and that I need not shout.  WTF.  All the high that I had had from the excitement just died down.  I had shouted because I wasn't getting a response from him.

So I just locked my room, changed into my house cloths and didn't let DH into my room despite his constant knocking.  After about two minutes I did open the door and he came in to apologize.  Frankly speaking I didn't pay any attention to what he was saying.  All that I could think of was "this bastard was just incapable of fulfilling even minor wishes of mine."  I was crying and he was trying to hug me.  Sensing a lack of response from my side, DH walked away.

For the next two days I went about doing my stuff and DH his. I slept in my room and DH in his bedroom.   After the two days, I went to him and said something casual, nothing major, to which DH said that I have some mental issues and that I need to sort it out first.

Coming from anyone else I would have taken it, but not from this man.  This guy, who actually relies on me completely for his financial security and who does not take on any responsibilities of a householder, how could he talk to me like this?  Even otherwise it is difficult for me to respect such a character and to think that I have such a person for a partner and that too one that I have chosen on my own - wow some people (like me) never ever learn in life.

Before we could get deep into the argument, I walked out of DH's bedroom.  I've had enough......

Today

Some days, just some days life seems to be perfect.  You love your husband and your son, you don’t care much about the state of your home, you have done everything in your to-do list, even an hour of exercise, had good healthy home-made food, its pay day and you have put aside a chunk of your salary in so-called savings and finally at work you have a stress free time. 

Now let me take a moment and enjoy this feeling......

Review of August Goals and New One for Sept

Apart from being a sounding board for my thoughts this blog is also a place where I measure how far I have gone with my monthly goals. You can find the August goals here.

Exercise: The initial goal of going to the gym 5 days a week was way too unrealistic; I realise that now. So the idea this month is to just try and make it to the gym at least 15 days. Hopefully this is more accomplish-able. Also I need to remind myself that badminton too can be considered as exercise since we play for a good three hours every week.

Finance: Did not save anything much in August. And I can pinpoint it to the excessive shopping that we both did. Normally I'd wait for the sale season to do my shopping, but this month I guess I got too tempted. September should see us just spend on just food and necessities.

Cooking: In August we spent more money eating out than on buying grocery - this just stresses me up so much. I mean I am a good cook and can practically cook something from whatever we have available at home. So I have no excuse to why we ate out more; it was just me being lazy. I don't want to say that in September we won't eat out at all. But I would like to limit this to just the weekends.

Studies: A total wash-out. Did not even touch my books. In September the course starts in full swing and I was hoping to finish a few lessons during summer. This month the goal is to finish 8 lessons - 2 from each module.

Work: My new assignment was supposed to start in the second week of August. But due to all the hand-over I started my new job only from 1st September and I can already feel a change - I am more switched on and enthusiastic. So yeah, this should be a good month. I got my job title yesterday. I am the new Marketing and Demand Planning Manager of the Department. It beats me how I can move from being an Assistant Account Mgr to a Mktg & DP Mgr, but I am not going to question it and just take it as it comes. So far it has been good and I intend to keep it this way.

I am determined to stick to my goals and report a success by the first week of October.

Update

I had decided earlier on that if I started a blog, I would be consistent in posting daily and if not daily at least every other day. Ah well…we all start things with the best of intentions.

Anyway, back to the post. After a depressing Saturday last week, on Sunday I did not go to the gym and instead decided to do some retail therapy to get over the bad news about my transfer at work. I went to M&S, Next, Top Shop, Monsoon, Accessorize…you name it, I visited all those high street shops. In the end I just bought one top and one undergarment. Not much of a shopping at all. While shopping at M&S, I called DH (in order to break the ice from the previous day) and asked him out for lunch and for a game of badminton after that, at the park nearby.

So we had a small lunch and went to Ealing park for our game. Everything went well – we were happy, laughing and getting a good work out till DH suddenly tripped and fell down. Luckily it was nothing serious. A minor swelling for a day and then fine the next day.

Soo Depressed

I woke up early today, a first for me as weekends usually mean a lay-in till 10. Hubby as usual was impressed. Since DH also goes to the gym every weekend, he was thrilled that this morning it was me who was pushing him to get out of the bed soon.

Just before we left for the gym, DH and I had a minor, a very minor argument. He wanted me to take my whole gear - my whole bathroom essentials and a change of clothes. I for one hate taking shower in gyms 'cause I love my shower rituals at home and don't like to do basically lug all my things in a bag, considering that we were going to the gym by bus. DH, on the other hand says that we are paying for the shower facilities as well and that we should make good use of it!!

Anyway that soon resolved and I made my way home after completing my gym session.

Back home, when I got into the shower, I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I had kept my emotions in check for so long that now I had to just let go. No, it was not due to our argument, rather it was due to my current job situation. I don't want to be someone who is responsible for just a piddly 25% of the total departmental business. That's just too small for me and now I really feel like I am being demoted. This fact along with absolutely no understanding from DH's part got me into this soggy stage.

With no one to see me or even hear me I cried my guts out in the shower. And while it felt good to just let go, I got out of the shower with a red nose and bloodshot eyes.

Once DH got back home (He was still in the gym while I left early) it seemed like a cold war was brewing between us. He, I guess, was still holding against me the morning's argument. And then, just like that we stopped talking. Till about 2:00. Then I went to have a chat with him and he seemed closed like a vault.

So here I am, letting some time pass...before I decide to go and resolve this with DH once and for all.....

Did Not Work At All

After my morning experience, I had hoped to complete everything from my to-do list. But I got lazy again and I kept telling myself "Take baby steps". Maybe I put down too many things on my list.


I completed all the house related work (watering plants, cleaning house etc etc) and did not do any office jobs (do a work feedback, set targets and complete an order pad) at all.

When one works in an office, whether you complete some task or spend the whole day talking to your colleagues, it is somehow perceived as OK. But when one, like me, works from home, your productivity is judged by what you complete on a daily basis.

So while the healthy part kicked off really well... work suffered.

Small Changes

What I have not posted earlier are a few small changes that I have made - dear hubby and I went for a walk at the running track next door and did three rounds of it. The track is surrounded by a park and a playground, so we walked around the periphery of the entire park; I think it must have been around 3-4 miles. Next, I have started having breakfasts daily – oats for the time being. I do not binge and have lot of oranges. I am not really a fruit person, but these oranges taste just too good.

Reducing my weight from 68kgs to 58kgs does not sound easy especially when I have accumulated this excess weight over a period of 15 years. So while I know I am not going to lose all this weight soon, I know I am on the right track.

I feel so good today.

Zeroing In On Priorities

Today, after much retrospection, I completed the registration papers of my MBA course and have re-enrolled for the four modules – Managing People & Organizations, Managing Products & Processes, Economics in Business and Decision Making. Exams are next May and I want to ace the course!

I am going to concentrate only on two things for the next two years – my well being and MBA, ie exercising, meditation and studying. Three things which will make me feel that I am doing something with my life. There are days when I know that work does not make me feel complete anymore; there is a hollowness that cannot be described.

First, it was the quest to find love, and then it was to get a promotion and prove myself. The last two things are never ending, with each promotion and salary increase one is working on the next one and I don’t want that anymore…ok enough of work rant as I have done it in the last post.

I am not really sure whether this is mid-life crisis or whether this is me going through some warped phase in life. Whatever it is, I want to take advantage of it and look back at it as a phase that changed me in every which way.

I Want To Run!!

I want to run daily and this thought has been haunting me for the past few days. After reading various running blogs I am convinced that with running I can build up a healthier and well-toned body.

I started putting on weight after giving birth to my son and it has crept in so very slowly that I did not realise it earlier. These days when I wear some of my clothes, I can see the bulges here and there. Even with a gym membership during all my adult life, I visited the gym only on and off. Lifting weights bore me and working out in an exercise class interests me only if all the participants are at similar endurance levels. Because I am a beginner some steps are quite difficult for me to attempt; I have also noticed that some moves are very dance orientated and having two left feet puts me in a very embarrassing position. Surely people of different levels cannot attend the same class!

Running, on the other hand is a release from all these so-called hang-ups that I have. I can run at my own pace, not be bothered about whose is standing next to me or whether I am doing the right thing. If I don’t want to run outdoors, I always have the treadmill at the gym. I guess with running I am more in control of what I want to do and when I want to do it, I do not have to schedule any classes in advance and I can easily fit running around my work hours. If I ever get lazy to take the bus to the gym, I can just hop to the race track right next to my home.

So while I am all motivated and sure that I want to run, I have to make time for it. Currently with mom, dad and my son at home on their vacation it is getting extremely difficult for dear husband and me to get away from home to do anything on our own. My family is here because they love me and I have not visited them in the last six months. It really breaks my heart to steal away from them the little time that they have with me. Therefore in order to keep everyone happy, for some time I will only be running at the race track near my home and to top it all I will invite my parents and son to go for a calming walk at the park next to track, while I am running.

For the moment, I am keeping my fingers crossed and hope my parents will agree to this as I am planning to put forward this idea when I get back home from work this evening. Otherwise the only option that I am left with is to go for a run early in the morning!!

Day 1 - Gym

I stuck to my mid-year resolution and got to the gym by 18:20. It was tough for me to leave home as both my parents and my son were vying to spend my after-work time with me. I can understand their feeling, they have travelled all the way from India to be with me for a month. But with all the good food that mom has been making over the past two days, it has now become quite important for me to exercise.

I also happened to see today some pictures of my old friends on Facebook; friends who were considered great beauties in college back then and who I have not met in the past 15 years. Those pictures shocked me quite a bit, they look so fat now as if they have not been taking care of themselves. What if I too look this heavy and I am not aware of it? So yes, it just had to be a gym day.

The target was to run and walk for an hour and I had mentally prepared myself for it. I did 15 min walk, 15 min run, 15 min walk, 10 min run followed with a cool down walk of 5 min. I concentrated on what I was doing and what I was thinking during the entire time I was on the treadmill. I know I was bored a lot, but I also had a lot of time to reflect on things. At times I had to push myself to keep running, though did not push myself to run or walk faster than what I could.

I was realistic with my exercise and am quite happy with what I have accomplished today. Right now I am in bed and my body is aching all over. And nothing can beat the pleasure of knowing that I have done something good for myself.

Mid-Year Resolutions

OK, so I did not make any New Year resolutions, not that I make any usually. But I guess now I would like to make some mid-year resolutions – yeah I like the sound of it. Makes you feel that you are a bit “different” from the rest of the world that actually waits till 1st Jan to do something good.

Anyway, I have managed to zeroed down on what my short-term priorities in life are or rather should be. Don’t ask me how I did it. I just woke up one fine day and realised that it would indeed make it a whole lot worthwhile for me to just study and get over with this MBA. I have been procrastinating for over 4 years and now its time to get moving. This means that I will be re-registering at Imperial for four modules, paying up extra amount for the assignments etc and also find the time to study daily. Now how could I have forgotten that last point?

Moving on to priority number two – that is to get myself in shape. No, I am not in a hurry and do not have any high expectations about it. But I do know that I have to cultivate the determination and motivation to see myself through the whole process and I am giving myself a good two years to reach the target weight of 58 kgs from my current 68. But the most important thing is that I intend to achieve my ideal weight mostly by walking and running. Well actually running but I do know that now I will have to start off with walking since I do not have the stamina to run for a good one hour. And the day of starting my exercises is today – just like the Lexus ad which says “That Day Is Today”.

Priority number three is to manage my finances well. And when I say manage my finances well, it should not be that I am penny wise and pound foolish which is what I am most of the time. From today onwards, I want to set aside (or save in other words) a certain percentage of our salary. I know that I am not one of those people who know how to make their money grow (via investments and such), but rather the type who stash their money aside and expect some growth via interest. So while I am not under the impression that I am going to be a multi-millionaire (oh I would love that), I hope to retire comfortably.

So that’s it. My resolutions for the year and this being June is the month that I celebrate my wedding anniversary and dear husband’s and my birthdays. So all in all, with my head clear and my mind made up, I feel good and relieved.