Something Has To Go

Today I come with a minor news.  A couple of month's back I did not get a promotion that I had thought I rightfully deserved.  Read about that fiasco here and here. In our next 1:1 meeting, I had told my boss that we should align and document an action plan for a promotion next year.

But ever since the idea of becoming a doctor entered my mind, I have been busy studying for the various qualifying tests.

So life was looking pretty rosy - it didn't matter how the job was going 'cause I needed more time for my studies. There was Japanese and A-level science to catch up.  Studying Physics, Chemistry and Biology had  a new meaning.

Then came yesterday.  I was called to inform that I would be given a promotion if I performed well in a new assignment.  The new assignment would be for a period of eight months, handling two toughest categories in my company.  If at the end of it I were to get positive reviews from management, then the promotion is a guarantee.  And before anyone asks, no I did not have a choice.  The person handling these two categories was going on an adoption leave and they needed an experienced person to step in.  To top it all, my current role has been put on the website for internal applicants.

So let's rewind and breakdown this information.  I have a new assignment for 8 months.  If I do it well, I get a promotion and then I have to search internally within the company for a new role.  Even if I don't get a promotion, I have to leave the assignment and search for a new role within the company after 8 months.  Why? Because in my company people have to change assignments every three years and by Jan 14, I would have completed fours years in similar assignments.

Today was the formal announcement.  Some people congratulated me and others actually commented "Oh Poor You...."  Personally, I don't know what to make of it.

With this new work responsibility, I won't have time for things that really matter to me - studying and exercising. I will be travelling a lot and I mean a lot, will be handling twice the number of projects that I am handling currently and be dead strapped for time.

All this point to just one question - "What about my dreams of becoming a doctor?" Reality has not yet sunk in because I will takeover the role only next Monday.

What do you guys think?  An opportunity knocking or a hurdle in disguise?

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

The Drama Continues

I am loud, crass, crude and totally lack any social or diplomatic skills when I am angry or excited.  Both ends of my emotional spectrum.  If I don't get it out of my system,  the emotional build up would do me more harm than good.

I have been exercising like crazy and now I am beginning to see some abs and leg definition.  I have always liked seeing before and after snaps of people and thought it best to get a "before" picture taken before I truly lost oodles of weight (that wish looks like a reality at the moment).

So after a grueling 10kms on the elliptical and a 40mins weight exercise I asked DH whether he could take a picture of mine.  I wanted one taken in a two piece swimming costume.  DH was in the living room at the time. After he agreed, I went to my room (next to the living room) and changed into my costume.  Then I called out to DH informing him that I was ready.  No response.  I called out to DH again, this time a bit louder. Not a word, so I raised my volume again.  Remember I couldn't get out of my room 'cause my son was upstairs. I must have called DH four times before our Maharajah tells me that he is just shutting down his netbook and that I need not shout.  WTF.  All the high that I had had from the excitement just died down.  I had shouted because I wasn't getting a response from him.

So I just locked my room, changed into my house cloths and didn't let DH into my room despite his constant knocking.  After about two minutes I did open the door and he came in to apologize.  Frankly speaking I didn't pay any attention to what he was saying.  All that I could think of was "this bastard was just incapable of fulfilling even minor wishes of mine."  I was crying and he was trying to hug me.  Sensing a lack of response from my side, DH walked away.

For the next two days I went about doing my stuff and DH his. I slept in my room and DH in his bedroom.   After the two days, I went to him and said something casual, nothing major, to which DH said that I have some mental issues and that I need to sort it out first.

Coming from anyone else I would have taken it, but not from this man.  This guy, who actually relies on me completely for his financial security and who does not take on any responsibilities of a householder, how could he talk to me like this?  Even otherwise it is difficult for me to respect such a character and to think that I have such a person for a partner and that too one that I have chosen on my own - wow some people (like me) never ever learn in life.

Before we could get deep into the argument, I walked out of DH's bedroom.  I've had enough......

The Imperfect Relationship

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "I Dream of Money":

“Maybe it is the perspective of an outsider who knows nothing but you seem to be really unhappy in your marriage or at least not at all happy in your marriage. Isn't it better to be alone?”


This really got me thinking and instead of replying as a comment, thought the reply deserved its own post because it is a long drawn explanation.

First of all let us remove a few of the biases. This is my blog so obviously I will come across as the victim because I have this nature of giving glory to pain and hurt and keeping absolutely silent about the good times.

Take for e.g. – I wrote many posts about how DH and I haven’t been talking. Fact is we started talking on February 13th (for the first time this year!) and I never wrote about it in here. For me not talking for two and a half months was more of a big news and well all couples talk to each other, so what’s the fun in letting the readers know that?

OK now coming back to the real issue that I have. DH and I are too different, I call the term as being trapped by our own personalities. Chinty = trying to be minimalist + want more money. DH = hoarder + have no money / want no more money. Difference is an understatement; we are opposites. In pursuit of love I shifted to the UK leaving behind my family in Dubai, a great paying job and all the luxuries that I was used to. Remember it was not a blind move – I did stay with DH for four months in the UK before taking the plunge. So I knew where he lived, his financial situation etc. But when you are in love you believe everything will turn out well and nothing really matters. All you want is to be with the one you love.

But as with any marriage, after a few years love goes out of the window and you are usually with your partner due to habit, children or other long term money commitments (say a house). In my equation with DH, we don’t have any children together or long term commitments. The house is DH’s given to him by his father. So that leaves just the habit. If I have quit smoking after 11 years of abusing my body, then surely walking away from this relationship of 9 years should be super easy? Well no.

DH understands me, knows me inside out. He knows what makes me tick and what doesn’t. Sure there are lots of stuff about him that I do not like – the hoarding, the constant pursuit of education and total absence of any desire to be what I call successful in life. So what? These are my expectations and I shouldn’t expect anyone to change themselves to fit in with my expectations. If I were to be in DH’s shoes I would be so unhappy too. One of my major gripes is that I cannot cook to save my life; I am obsessed with cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy. If I clean the kitchen or bathroom, I don’t like anyone entering the place for an hour or so. I am fanatical about saving money and it is a real pain for me to agree for us to have a good time because that means spending money. I don’t believe in taking vacations together – we go to India every year don’t we, so why spend more money elsewhere.

Mind you I wasn’t obsessed with money before meeting DH – only after shifting to the UK and realising that if I am not careful, we both will have to sit by the street with a pan in our hands!

Now to the selfish reasons – If I walk out now, I have to go somewhere? Where is this somewhere? It is too late for me to get a job either in Dubai or even in India. I have a son and we need some sort of stability in our lives for him to continue his education. And lastly, I don’t have enough money to buy a flat/house in the UK and nor will I get enough finances to fund a mortgage here. Here DH plays the provider.

And just to clear the air – DH and I talk about our relationship all the time. All the above reasons have been dissected to nuts. We are brutally frank with each other.

So there goes – mutual dependency, a complete understanding of each other’s limitations and a healthy respect of our situation is what keeps us together. It is not perfect, far from it but hey who says that life would be perfect anyway.

PS: I have blabbered the way the thoughts have come to my mind. It may or may not be in a sequence that seems logical. As I sleep over it, I am sure I will have more points to jot – which is usual for me. But for the time being I have exhausted it all.

Aishwarya Rai & Me

My previous posts have been a bit serious.......

At work we have this term called “manage expectations”. So first let me manage all your expectations:

- No I am not beautiful but I don’t think Aishwarya is beautiful either. During the Miss India days, I was in the camp of Sushmita Sen.

- No I am not a great fan of Abhishek (so this is not about jealousy) and when there were rumours going around of him getting married, I was hoping that it would be to Rani Mukherji.

- And finally, no I have not met Aishwarya Rai – ever.

Now let me get on with my story.

Ever since I landed in the UK, every Saturday or Sunday I have this ritual of dusting the stair carpet. This is the only place we have carpet. I hate to see dust and this carpet is I guess you could call bluish and shows dust really well. I clean each and every step, taking so much care to dig in to the corners, lest some dust escapes me. Who is in charge here? Me. It takes me 35 minutes to complete the job. There are 12 steps (guesstimate) in total – with a small landing in between. And every time I dust my stair I think of Aishwarya Rai. By the time I reach the sixth stair this is exactly what is going through my head:

“So you think you are a good house-wife? Yeah try dusting my stair. Bet you don’t even know what a broom is. You have a barrage of people just waiting to receive instructions from you. Hah, what do you know about house-work? How dare your father-in-law sings praises about your house work? What bull shit? I do so much of work at home and nobody sings praises of me. Why does DH not show that he is proud of my work? And by the way why isn’t DH helping me in house work? Why the hell is he with all his books? Oh my God, why the hell did I leave Dubai to come to this place to dust stairs? Why is it so cold in here? God why me, why me?....and then I cry.

The next thing you know – I have a grumpy looking face and don’t talk to DH. I tell you this -Aishwarya Rai is not good for me, not at all. She starts it all........and then I blame DH.

Can someone tell me why I think of Aishwarya Rai? Does anyone else think of any actresses while doing house work?

A Good Day

When you have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no one to hug you and comfort you, you take solace in God. You get on your knees and beg that He gives you enough courage to get you through the day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change certain things that are happening right now. At work, my boss needs to find out the direction that our department has to take. Without any real alignment with other teams, we cannot move forward and the solution to this is in my boss’s camp. I just need to take a deep breath till everything is sorted out.

DH, while there are so many things I would like to change about him, I do not want him to change just for me. For now, I am OK with this status quo and yes, I can live with the silence.

The things that I can change and have a control over are my health, my studies and my finances.

I woke up this morning at around 4:30 am with the firm decision that I would be happy and remain happy throughout the day. Did some stretching exercises, a bit of yoga and finished it off with meditation. Then I covered myself with purple light (I am an advanced Pranic Healer, it helps when I put my mind to it). Worked hard from 8:30 to 4:30pm – did not surf aimlessly and actually got some work done, not much, cleared around 180 emails. At 5 got on the elliptical and exercised for exactly 40 mins – burnt 270 calories, clocked 14kms – an all time high.

I worked from home today – so it was literally a no spend day. My wallet is happy. Dinner was just a mutton roll; hated every bite of it. Thought it was a good way of eating less, just eat what you don’t like.

A won all the badminton matches at school and has got selected to play at West London Level. Hope he does well. In Dubai he used to be a tennis player taking part in a lot of tournaments. Here I cannot afford to give him four hours of individual training daily. So it is a blessing that A has found another game just as interesting.

It has been a good day – thank you God.

I still miss Daddy though and I think I did not grieve enough back in July when he passed away. It‘s all coming back to me now. Why did it take so long for me to realise that I love him like crazy?

And it's just two weeks into New Year

I don’t think I have ever been this down in life. Everything seems out of control and I just don’t know what to do anymore.


At work my job is to find gaps in work processes, source manpower from various departments, initiate a project and find solutions. Problem starts when one of the departments involved in the project tries to steer the decision to one they think is right. And to top it all, they would have the backing of some high level boss. Thing is I can’t stand office politics and don’t want to be a part of it either. Worse still, I am no longer sure who is in charge of the projects – is it me or the other department? To be clear – my boss is just as confused as I am.

DH and I aren’t still talking. But now I know the reason for his silence. Apparently sometime in Dec I had told him that I do not want to talk to him. (I think it was more like me saying I do not want to discuss something.) No I do not remember the incident, but I have let it be. May be DH needs his space and he will come back to me when he is ready. May be DH will never get over this silence and may be our marriage will fail. Right now, DH not talking to me does not affect me. I am pretty comfortable with just interactions with my son at home and various other things at home keep me more than busy. End of the day this is my policy – Don’t seek out for attention, affection and love; these have to come to you and not the other way round. I guess one has to work at relationships and I have been plain lazy and now it is too late.

Finances – I have had to give my car back to the company. They let me use it for two extra years while I changed from a sales job to the one in Supply Chain and people in Supply Chain do not get a car. I am OK with public transportation as long as it does not include grocery shopping. How do these people do it without a car? My purchase list becomes smaller and smaller every week; I can’t think of lugging the bags from the store to home. All fingers point to me buying a new car. Fact is I cannot afford a big car like the one I was used to and my pride does not allow me to buy a small car. Right now my pride is winning; but it’s my back that’s breaking with two hours of commute whenever I go to the office.

Daddy – I MISS him like crazy. I go to the living room to dust the place and every time I see his picture, I start crying. I was such a bad daughter; don’t think I ever gave him any happiness. Mom and he were always so worried about me – for being so headstrong, stubborn and independent. I wish I could rewind the clock and given in to some of his desires. I just wish to God that I could make up to him somehow, someway......

The only silver lining in all this is my son and I am thankful for his presence in my life.

Lost

Dad left us four months and eight days back. It is funny how when someone goes away (Mom says she cannot use “passed away” for Dad and we both agreed that for us he has just gone away), you spend the first few months thinking of them each and every second and there after you try not to think about them lest it makes you all teary eyed and sad. Just short of their memories, we try to erase everything about them. Two weeks after Dad went away, Mom gave away all his clothes and watches. After a few months Mom will transfer all joint properties to her name. The name of the very person who worked hard for it has to be erased. How I hate it.


But what I hate most and find damn unacceptable is that being a girl I couldn’t be part of his cremation ceremony. Which Hindu book says that? My Dad loved me the most – I know it and he has always said it. Then how come my brother and my son got the privilege of sending him away. I had secretly though of saving up a bone or something like that from the final ashes. But those Nair people surrounding us were like hawks – they did not leave anything behind. And now I know that Dad will never come back.

I feel lost these days. I could bitch about my work with Dad and he would always, always tell me – Throw everything away, pack your bags and just come home, I will take care of you. My mom is more practical, she would never say stuff like that even just to pacify someone.

Daddy, if you are somewhere seeing all this, I just want to say this – I miss you so much and just wish you would come back, I don’t want you to be gone away.

Life Goes On

People talk about turning forty and doing something to remember that year. In one of the blogs I read about someone getting a tattoo. I too have often thought of getting one. After all one can’t let one’s 40th year on earth just go past. Well I need not have worried about this at all. My 40th year has been epic


- The whole family got together in March to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday. It was one of those rare occasions when just about everyone in the family was present for the event.

- As soon as I got back from India, I had an emergency surgery for ectopic pregnancy. The doctors say I now have 50% chances of conceiving.

- Got the news that I would have to use legal means to get A to the UK. But twenty days before the appeal date, Border Agency decided to revoke their original decision. End result – a happy mother with a very sad wallet.

- This one is the mother of all incidents in my life – my father passed away. What can I say? I will always miss him and wish I had a few more years with him. Words are just not enough to convey my feelings. Let’s leave it at that.

- Got a blood test done for my hypothyroid condition and my TSH and T4 levels have gone through the roof. If I don’t get my levels normal – I could end up being really obese, constantly tired and lose all my hair.

With 4 more months to go before the calendar year ends, I am not sure what more God has in stock for me.

When one hits rock bottom there is only one way to go – up. And that is where I would like to see my life going. I tell myself that’s enough of unhappiness, self pity and ugliness; I need to count my blessings – my mom is coming to stay with me and with A already here my house will become a home, this home of mine will be full of laughter and joy and Daddy will always be in our hearts.

This Year Will Be Different

Who made this rule that when you post something in your blog it has to be something - worth mentioning, humorous, out-of-the box, for posterity, a rant, a rave, a moan etc. Hell I want to write about my daily life – my pure mundane, monotonous life – which though others might not be so interested in, I face it and go through it daily. Didn’t someone say – anyone can be courageous in the face of adversity, but it’s the daily living that shows just how tough you are?

So welcome to my new set of posts from this month. I will be talking about cleaning, cooking (if at all), my daily work, how I track my finances, my exercise regime, moments with my husband, talks with my son, my taste in music and what not. Just the ordinary stuff....but all me.

2010 - You will be remembered

How can I let 2010 go without recapping the major events of the year?

Let’s start with the bad ones first because I would like to finish off on a good note....

The Bad

- Seeing my son A with his arm in a cast – all thanks to his dad getting aggressive over some stupid tennis match and receiving the news on my b’day.

- A not getting his UK visa!!!

- Numerous arguments with DH over my OCD. (He the hoarder and me the purger.) I am also obsessive about keeping things neat and tidy. I kid you not, my marriage was literally on the edge. We spent 22 days in the same house not talking to each other and frankly during this period I did not see DH even once. I was cooped up in my clean little room.

- With the new job that I started on 1st Jan, I stopped going to the gym. Result – same weight but completely un-toned body shape.

- Lost all interest in dressing up nice – with a relationship full of constant arguments and working from home, I had no reason to dress up!

- Giving up my Indian citizenship. Every time I hear mile sur mera tumhara I literally have tears in my eyes. I love being an Indian and believe that in about 10 years time an Indian passport will be worth more than having any western passport. But alas these justifications do me no good today. With the amount of travelling that I do for work, I just cannot afford to waste any more time in consulates for an entry visa.

- Towards the end of the year, I became a bit of an expert at my new job. And that resulted in me being a bit too aggressive for my liking. I like being confident but not too over confident.



The Good

- After 7 years of staying away from my son and being fearful about my ex-husband, all it took was seeing my son’s broken arm - overnight I developed balls of steel. My parents and I knocked all doors – the Police, the Court and finally I got my son’s custody back. There’s no greater joy than knowing that your kid is safe and sound.

- So yes A didn’t get his visa to the UK and right now it is under appeal with the appeal date set for April 2011. A not being with me no longer bothers me. Currently he is studying in a very good school in India and frankly speaking I have a very low opinion of schooling in the UK, especially schools in Southall where I live.

- If A does not ultimately get the right to live in the UK, I am planning to relocate to some other Western European country. I have that sort of option with my company. And I know that DH does not have any problem in joining me if I were to shift due to A.

- Ah my husband. Well 22 days of not talking to each other was just about what we both could take in terms of separation. Later we had the hottest make out session and then got down to discussion our problems and how best to get over them. Net net result – we both will adjust. Now how come we didn’t remember that before?

- Alright so I rarely get out of the house during week days and something tells me that I should make exercise part of my daily routine just like how it was in 2009. So I have now invested in a Reebok bike and cross trainer. Will be taking delivery of it soon.

- Not so sure why I lost interest in dressing up. I was the best turned out one in college and also in my previous company and took pride in my beautiful clothes. I guess God gives everyone a quota and if you finish it up too soon, you have nothing left for later on. My policy is comfort over style and even at work and during my business trips I wear my black jeans. This had to change, c’mon I am not yet 40. First things first – chopped off my waist length hair and now it’s just to my neck. I cut it first to shoulder length and then mustered enough courage to chip it all off. I look hot, if I may say so. Next was cashing in on the Christmas sale – I went to all the shops, even the ones online and have now bought enough outfits to last me a year. Strangest thing – I bought only dresses, not a single pair of trousers.

But above all I want to thank the Universe for two things – for having given me the strength to withstand all that came my way and for such a wonderful husband who patiently stood by me all the time.

And now I look forward to what's in store for me in 2011.

Random Musing

Do I have confidence in myself? I believe I do. But then I can’t say much when I am being compared with the rest from my class of ‘92. I believe that I work for a good company, hold a good position and earn just enough money to keep me happy. Firstly I do not like comparing myself to someone else, secondly I don’t believe position and money are exactly good reference points for comparison. We all take what life gives us and try to make the best of it. It’s not as if we can plan our lives or career or even family for that matter; like Forrest Gump’s mama says – life is a box of chocolates.

When I talk to my ex-classmates the first question that pops out is what is he / she doing? Then - which company is she / he working for? How come we never start with questions like – where is this person? Is he / she married and how many kids to they have? Etc etc. Maybe questions about marriage and kids seem more personal in context and asking about one’s work appears sort of safe. Whatever it is I am not liking the way conversations go and I am equally guilty of it.

If status / position is a sore thumb, so are the questions on the personal front. When did you get married – uh four years back. Do you have kids – yeah a 14 yr old son. How come you got married just 4 years back and already have a 14 year old son? Well if you are bright enough – you will realise that it is my second marriage. Where is your son now? – living with my parents. How come? – ‘cause we are waiting for his UK visa to be processed. Why isn’t he with you already? – because he was living with his father in Dubai before this. Why was he living with his father? – ok let’s not even get into this....

Ah well by this time I almost wish I had not met my ex-classmate. Sorry but could we talk about something else. – weather, movies, whatever. I already look disinterested. OK so I am anti-social and prefer to be that way. Sorry folks – I like to keep things about myself to myself.

Oh How I have Changed

There was a time when....

I believed that love was the be all and end all of everything....now I know that that love goes out of the window once you get married. And what really lasts is friendship – yes even with your partner.

I fell for older men....now as I grow older I eye younger men. (Hey just because I mentioned marriage above doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten that men exist!!)

I knew my son needed me....but now it’s me who needs my son.

I thought that looking, talking and seeming to be stronger was asserting my feminist nature...now I know that nobody cares a shit about it other than myself. I want to be girly, I want to wear dresses and be a coy person (now that’s a challenge)

I thought that if you didn’t become someone by 30 you were doomed for failure....now I know that it’s all in my head.

I could never find a connection with my parents....now I can’t go a week without talking to them at least three times.

I hoped that if I tried harder I could get along with my son’s father...now I know that he is a hopeless case. He is one person who I can never get to like and I need not feel guilty about it.

On making friends

I am not really sure whether it’s me or has this got to do with age? I used to be so good at making friends, real friends. Friends who do not judge me because of what I wear, where I work or the house I live in, friends with whom I can share my problems with, consult, laugh with. Where are these types of people now and why is it so difficult for me to find them in this country? Surely I haven’t changed that much in these past three years and just because you change countries that doesn’t mean you have to lose that ability to make friends.

I talk to my colleague and my husband – that’s about it. It gets me real sore that I don’t have a buddy to go to a spa with, to watch some chick flicks or go out for a drink. Hell this country is supposed to have a fantastic night life – so why I am feeling so left out? 

Please don’t get me wrong here – I am not a terribly lonely person, I don’t have the time to be lonely. It’s not like my life here in the UK would be a great misery without company, just that it would have been a bit more fun. 

I know what’s lacking. I need some focus in life, some inner strength to keep myself carrying on.....

Lost.....Again...

I love reading other blogs especially blogs about people and their lives, not the ones that concentrate on any one particular topic like cooking or books or art or babies but the ones that talk about life – their ordinary day to day lives. But the more blogs I read blogs of this nature the more I don’t feel like writing mine. I feel that I talk absolute nonsense; my blog is one without passion, without substance. I am what you call a vain person; I talk about no one else but myself and am so superficial even about it.

This is because deep, deep inside I still am an insecure person. I can talk about my work, the people around me, the stuff I buy, the things that I see but by God I can’t talk about what I feel about them. That would be too much for me, to reveal my thoughts, deep deep hardcore uncensored thoughts to someone. It would strip me of being the person that I really am.

The very fact that my second marriage is surviving is because I have a fantastic husband; it has nothing to do with me. He takes care of me and gives me the space that I need. And that’s a whole lot. I am always lost deep in my thoughts and am no good in doing day to day family life, most of the time I am completely oblivious to what’s happening around me. World politics and the unhappiness of people do not interest me, neither am I strong enough to take responsibility of someone’s happiness. My own son lives with his father and as long as I know that he is having good food to eat, getting good grades in school and having a fun time living with his father, I am OK. When I talk to him daily I want to hear him happy. And that makes me happy.

Other than work, I am not into anything. Things interest me only for a short period of time. I can’t get myself to see through a project or concentrate on any one thing that takes time. So what’s the point of this post.....I am not really sure. What I do know that is that I am on the brink of getting lost....lost again..... and a new year has just about started.

My Mother is an Indonesian....and well I could be a Korean

My mother always says that in her past birth she was an Indonesian. I have no clue why she says that ‘cause she has never visited the place nor read a single book on Indonesia. This is something that I have never understood about her. I have often asked her why she thought that way. And the standard reply has always been that in her dreams she is always an Indonesian.

My dreams have always been about being chased by small snakes – cobras really with small flared up heads. The other recurring nightmare is where I blow up like a balloon and finally burst.

Anyway recently I have developed a craze for all things Korean – Korean movies, food, music and even makeup. And oh I find Korean guys so hot and handsome. Maybe in my previous birth I must have been a Korean. Let’s see if one day I’ll tell my son about it and the reasons I give him for it.

For the time being I am content in pouring over You tube for Korean movies and reading through blogs upon blogs learning how Korean women wear their subtle make-up. Do you know that Korean women are more into skincare than make-up?

I just finished watching a Korean movie right now – Changing Partners (with Eng subtitles on You Tube) and am in a bit of a high ‘cause of it.

I want to look sophisticated too

You know my mother never really taught me any girly stuff while I was growing up. It was dad who bought my clothes till I was old enough to select my own. But when it came to my mom, other than initiating me to the “women’s garment”, I don’t think she really did much. Everything I know is self taught by observing my classmates and later on in my life from reading magazines. Take waxing for instance – I came to know of this painful but wonderful procedure at the age of 18 when I joined college. Till that time my knowledge never extended beyond the usual razor. Nail polish – I remember in 12th std I saw my classmates using these. They sported long nails and colourful tips. Unfortunately for me, and due to my background, I still have close clipped nails. Then there are the high heel shoes – I love it, but I cannot for the life of me wear them. They give me terrible back pain and I have never worn high heels. I shot up to my current height of 5’6.5” (yes that 0.5 does make a difference) while still in secondary school and most of the time, I used to tower over my teachers and was assigned the back seat in the classroom. At that time I just wanted to blend in by becoming short, so there was no question of getting enamoured by high heels.

Then lipstick – I think I started wearing lipstick when I turned 20 or 21.

On a typical day, I go to the office gym in the morning. This means that I have to carry my office clothes to work; so it has to be something crumple-free and easily foldable. Hope you are getting the drift here – translate that to jeans and a casual shirt. Once gym is over, I take less than an hour to have my shower and dress up. Because I have waist length hair, I don’t have time to blow dry it (not that I would ever blow dry my hair – gives me a headache. Again once of those things which my mother forgot to teach me while I was younger). So here I am walking into the office building in my jeans with wet hair (no not dripping). (I must admit that my wet hair is something that brings me close to feeling like a typical mallu!!)

So what’s the point of this post? I wish the art of make-up and looking polished came naturally to me. It’s too late to crib about it now, but when I see all these women at work looking as if they just stepped out of the beauty parlour in the morning, I get jealous, very jealous...and I am old enough to understand that looks are very important when it comes to making that very first impression.

Talk to me and I can bowl you over, but look at me...and I would give you the impression of still being a tom-boy, albeit one with long-hair.....

Where's The Time?

Last week I had, a friend from college-days, come over from Nigeria and it was like a mini reunion with another friend from Reading joining in for dinner at Weybridge. We shared the usual stories on who was doing what, got married when and had how many kids. Some where along the conversation it dawned on us that the last time we had met was seventeen years back. Almost makes you gasp, not at the passage of time, but that you are seventeen years older since then. The thought that went through my mind was more like you mean if a kid was born the day we left college he / she would be seventeen years old (nearly an adult) and its minor things like that which I find difficult to mentally digest.

Now that I will turn thirty eight this year, I feel somehow I should be mature, more responsible and all that stuff which one normally assumes one’s parents to be. But I feel none of that. When my mom was thirty eight I was nineteen. She seemed so grown –up and had mummy-looks. Does that mean, I have mummy / aunty type looks now? Have I aged just like my mom? Not that I care much about developing wrinkles and having grey hair, but I can’t seem to find any of these on me.

Some times I even get overwhelmed with a sense of restlessness. This bank holiday weekend I wanted to spring clean my entire home. Fact is that I just got the kitchen done, but there is a sense of helplessness that I have not done enough.

To me, it seems there is not much time in a day. I have so many things to do, so many things to accomplish..... and so less time to do it.

On The Work Front

Once in a while you come up with the vaguest and most unrealistic career progression plan. It’s all about jumping that one step without really walking the whole way through. I handle so much of work and I mean responsible work that I can almost feel it in my bones – feel the need for a promotion. Now whether what I feel will translate into reality is a different matter all together.

Now about this vague idea – it too complicated to explain over here but anyone hearing it would definitely think that I was going cuckoo – it was just too ambitious and I don’t think people really picture me that way. I needed an objective opinion about it and called this guy in Geneva who I knew from my Dubai days. I just had to know what he thought about it. Well talking about dampening someone’s enthusiasm – that’s exactly what he did. But I am glad that someone brought me back to earth rather than me discussing this vague ambitious plan with my boss.

Tomorrow I am going to have a mini work-review with my boss. Hopefully she is going to tell me that my current role is scoped for the next level of promotion. If not I will have to look around. I have been with this company for so long (not that long just 9 years!!) that I really do not know how the world is outside for someone who is searching for a job. Sometimes it’s not enough to just do well working in multinational company where you know you have a stable job. I don’t know whether this is some sort of a mid-life crisis; but I jus feel like living some new experiences, go through some highs and thrills and feel good about myself.