I don’t think I have ever been this down in life. Everything seems out of control and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
At work my job is to find gaps in work processes, source manpower from various departments, initiate a project and find solutions. Problem starts when one of the departments involved in the project tries to steer the decision to one they think is right. And to top it all, they would have the backing of some high level boss. Thing is I can’t stand office politics and don’t want to be a part of it either. Worse still, I am no longer sure who is in charge of the projects – is it me or the other department? To be clear – my boss is just as confused as I am.
DH and I aren’t still talking. But now I know the reason for his silence. Apparently sometime in Dec I had told him that I do not want to talk to him. (I think it was more like me saying I do not want to discuss something.) No I do not remember the incident, but I have let it be. May be DH needs his space and he will come back to me when he is ready. May be DH will never get over this silence and may be our marriage will fail. Right now, DH not talking to me does not affect me. I am pretty comfortable with just interactions with my son at home and various other things at home keep me more than busy. End of the day this is my policy – Don’t seek out for attention, affection and love; these have to come to you and not the other way round. I guess one has to work at relationships and I have been plain lazy and now it is too late.
Finances – I have had to give my car back to the company. They let me use it for two extra years while I changed from a sales job to the one in Supply Chain and people in Supply Chain do not get a car. I am OK with public transportation as long as it does not include grocery shopping. How do these people do it without a car? My purchase list becomes smaller and smaller every week; I can’t think of lugging the bags from the store to home. All fingers point to me buying a new car. Fact is I cannot afford a big car like the one I was used to and my pride does not allow me to buy a small car. Right now my pride is winning; but it’s my back that’s breaking with two hours of commute whenever I go to the office.
Daddy – I MISS him like crazy. I go to the living room to dust the place and every time I see his picture, I start crying. I was such a bad daughter; don’t think I ever gave him any happiness. Mom and he were always so worried about me – for being so headstrong, stubborn and independent. I wish I could rewind the clock and given in to some of his desires. I just wish to God that I could make up to him somehow, someway......
The only silver lining in all this is my son and I am thankful for his presence in my life.
At work my job is to find gaps in work processes, source manpower from various departments, initiate a project and find solutions. Problem starts when one of the departments involved in the project tries to steer the decision to one they think is right. And to top it all, they would have the backing of some high level boss. Thing is I can’t stand office politics and don’t want to be a part of it either. Worse still, I am no longer sure who is in charge of the projects – is it me or the other department? To be clear – my boss is just as confused as I am.
DH and I aren’t still talking. But now I know the reason for his silence. Apparently sometime in Dec I had told him that I do not want to talk to him. (I think it was more like me saying I do not want to discuss something.) No I do not remember the incident, but I have let it be. May be DH needs his space and he will come back to me when he is ready. May be DH will never get over this silence and may be our marriage will fail. Right now, DH not talking to me does not affect me. I am pretty comfortable with just interactions with my son at home and various other things at home keep me more than busy. End of the day this is my policy – Don’t seek out for attention, affection and love; these have to come to you and not the other way round. I guess one has to work at relationships and I have been plain lazy and now it is too late.
Finances – I have had to give my car back to the company. They let me use it for two extra years while I changed from a sales job to the one in Supply Chain and people in Supply Chain do not get a car. I am OK with public transportation as long as it does not include grocery shopping. How do these people do it without a car? My purchase list becomes smaller and smaller every week; I can’t think of lugging the bags from the store to home. All fingers point to me buying a new car. Fact is I cannot afford a big car like the one I was used to and my pride does not allow me to buy a small car. Right now my pride is winning; but it’s my back that’s breaking with two hours of commute whenever I go to the office.
Daddy – I MISS him like crazy. I go to the living room to dust the place and every time I see his picture, I start crying. I was such a bad daughter; don’t think I ever gave him any happiness. Mom and he were always so worried about me – for being so headstrong, stubborn and independent. I wish I could rewind the clock and given in to some of his desires. I just wish to God that I could make up to him somehow, someway......
The only silver lining in all this is my son and I am thankful for his presence in my life.
4 comments:
hi, be strong....tomorrow is another day...
Just go and talk to your husband. Whats the worse that will happen? Atleast you would have tried to make things alright....
- Childwoman
Hi Childwoman - do you think I have not tried it? I have tried it many times before, though not this time - this time the crime is a bit more serious. Wow - this has to be another post, perhaps tomorrow.
I know it must be difficult..I hope everything gets sorted out soon. You have been through a lot
- Childwoman
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