New Year

For some people, no change that, for everyone New year starts on 1st Jan.  Not for me though.  For me, my New Year started on 1st Dec.  OK go on, ask me the obvious question - why?

2012 was a horrible year for me. 2013, despite the lows was much better.  2014, my friends, is MY year and 12 months of it is just not enough.  Also I moved to my new assignment at work today.  A new job, a new year and a fantastic me.  This is how I see it.  Surprisingly, and so unlike me, I have been in a very content space the past two months.  It is as if I have everything I need.  I have so much of stuff - clothes, shoes, makeup, bags (no, that does not make me stop from window shopping), I cook and eat such good food, DH & I - we are good with each other (and hopefully good for each other too!), my son, mom and brother are healthy and for once we have started accepting each other as we are (Not an easy thing I tell and it took us a long time to get here).

There is love, there is peace and above all there is Harmony.  Maybe that was missing before - HARMONY.  I mean, I wanted people to be this way and that way without ever looking at a middle ground, a half way through.  Happiness does exist there too.

I no longer feel poor (Sure I could do with a million dollar lottery win), I feel beautiful, healthy and wanted all the time.  Yes WANTED ALL THE TIME (DH deserves a lot of credit here).  Like relationships, feeling beautiful and healthy requires a lot of effort.  These days I look at myself in the mirror and am surprised at the pretty woman staring back at me.

I do not feel the need to blog.  This blog, I associate it with unhappiness, discontent and tears.  But today, this very second, I don't care.  Everything is perfect.  Perfect, not in a perfect way, but more like all the imperfections have a perfect fit.  Does that make any sense at all?

Totally off tangent now.  I had to stop my Japanese classes in November.  The weekly trips to SOAS was too much to squeeze in to an already busy schedule.  Rather unfortunate as I was really getting the hang of learning a foreign language.  Today at my new work place, I found out that they were giving Mandarin classes for a piddly fees.  And you bet your sweet ass I enrolled for it as soon as I saw the advert.  Classes begin in January and every Wednesdays, during lunch time I will attend these classes. When one door closes, another one opens - is all that I can say.

God / the universe is with me. Wait and watch me fly this year.

How was 2013 for you?  What are your plans for 2014?

Where I am now....

I really wanted to do an update post.  Fact is there is nothing much to update about.  Well nothing dramatic anyway.

To put things into a nutshell - no it is not working for us, we tried.  We hardly talk to each other now.  No we don't hate each other.  Yes we still live in the same house but have separate bedrooms.  Let's say we are cordial.  Where am I going to with this and what am I going to do?  I have no blooming clue.  Am I going to be stressed over it? NO.

So there goes the update.  In the meanwhile other things have been happening in life.  Nice stuff.  Once I understood the source of my expectations, wants and requirements, things seemed pretty simple.  I have been buying things like crazy - dresses and shoes.  Last year I was dead frugal, but this year I have decided to splurge.  I have a few girl friends and go out with them occasionally.  I no longer obsess over keeping the house neat and clean all the time.  It helps that I no longer think of this house as mine - I have let go of that.  I am just a paying guest now minus the paying.

I have started running again - 5K is very doable these days.  I am moving to a new assignment within the company.  The new position sounds really exciting - Plant Manager.  Yes I will be the person with the safety shoes and hat.  The office is located close to home and I will no longer require to work from home.  Just the thought of going to the office twice or thrice a week and dressing up for it thrills me.   For the first time I will be reporting to someone way younger than me (or at least he looks very young).  Did I mention that my immediate boss is extremely good looking?  Now before you think up of something - No I don't shit where I eat.  A lesson learnt a very long time back!

Is life looking good?  Where I came from and where I am at this very second - I believe so.

Maybe I might rant a bit in the next post.  I am just getting the hang of writing again.

Floating Right Now

I am not really sure what I want to say...but the very fact I have a window open for a post must mean I want to write something.

We all have an image of ourselves - that we are like this and like that.  Me, I know that I am crude, loud, bossy, a bully in a relationship, stubborn, strict and really a terrible person to live with. That is what I am and I don't ever hide it, well at work I might not show to one and all what I am really like.  But spend a day with me and you will get the drift.  In my younger days, come a difficult person and I would run a mile away.  I don't spend time in analyzing what, whys and hows.  If I cannot handle a person, I walk away.  I hate dramas.

This is what my screen saver says - "Life to me is Black & White.  You want Something? - Go Get It.  Unhappy? - Stop Complaining and Change.  Don't like being treated badly? - Leave.  Got a dream? - Fulfill it.  Why complicate things? Action your words, speak the truth and do what makes you happy."

Everyday I read that and everything was quite simple in life.  But from the moment I landed in London, my life has been anything but simple.  It got into a complex web of unhappiness, making do and generally being a grumpy person that I am not.

Did I push my husband away?  I think I really did do that.  The point here is not whether I drove him to have an affair, which very well could have been the case.  The point here is that DH did not consider my feelings enough to have done what he did. Would I stab DH in a second of madness? Never in a million years.  My ex used to beat the shit out of me.  Even back then, I never harboured any ideas of harming anyone.

DH says I should not compare a murder or anything like that to an almost-affair.  That is easy for DH to say - for me there is no difference between a stab at the back and an affair.  You feel the same pain.  And once done - no point in apologizing or saying that I just wanted to stab you and not to kill you.  Doesn't make sense you see.

I am this close to forgiving him.  I am.  But a huge part of me says that I might be able to forgive him but never forget what he did.  I would always talk about this affair, talk it to the point that DH would get sick of it and always coming up with justifications.  

DH is a nice person - he agreed to everything, apologized for everything, agreed to change the deeds of the house to my name and just leave the home.  I am grateful for that.  But I don't think I can ever see him as my partner again. I don't want to be in this relationship just because I feel that there is no way out or because I feel I would not be able to find a partner again (God knows I don't want a man in my life again!)  

Right now I am just concentrating on my well being and survival.  I have asked DH to change the deeds of the house.  I take over the remaining mortgage and he can live here as long as he wants.  We will be good house mates.  We will learn to respect each other and communicate better with each other.  And when one of us wants to leave, the door is open with no questions asked.  That is how I see it right now.  This is what I have explained to DH as well.  He seems to be OK with the idea.

I don't know what else I should do now.... This too shall pass and as usual I will stand up and dust my back.

The Audience Thus Far

Bottling up has never been my forte.  NEVER.  Especially when the news is about me......

So who all know about this......

Mom, Brother & Sister-In Law - Because DH had gone missing for three days. And I had to consult these people to figure out whether I should make a missing person report at the Police Station.  Yes, I tried calling his mobile, but it was always switched off.  By the end of the third day, I had hacked his email and got information of his jaunts and whereabouts.

Friend #1 - Not from office. Single. Because I needed to talk to someone.

Friend #2 - From office.  About 52 years old.  Because I needed to find out what options the company had for single mothers.  Someone I trust and deeply respect.  Just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary!

That is it. (maybe it is already one too many)

The Lies

He said it was "virtual" - all the fantasies existed only via emails.  OK got it.

So why does one purchase an 18 pcs condom pack, Viagra, breath freshener, snore relief, pack brand new YSL underwear, book a hotel room and make a TRIP to France?  "Virtual" - did I miss a memo here?

Do I need an explanation? Ehhh No - not really.

In schools - teachers are not allowed to have a relationship with their students.  How come they don't apply the same rule in Universities?  She is his tutor.

And So It Goes

When in a situation like this, there are two types of women (or maybe three) :

Type 1: Forgive the husband, pray to God and work with the husband to resurrect the relationship

Type 2: Stand-up, dust their back, say F*** off and walk away

Type 3: Stand still and see where this is leading to and then strike, to make the husband pay for it all

I am Type 2.  Yes, that is what I am - truly.  But now I am 42 and I want a return on my investment and I am leaning more towards Type 3.  I am not leaving this house till I get a return on everything - every tear, every penny that I have spent, every humiliation, every hurt.

I don't feel anything - in a way that is in itself a good thing.  I used to love my Saturday Japanese classes.  Yesterday was the first year final exam.  I didn't write the exam.  It doesn't seem important anymore.  Nothing really seems important anymore.  My son left for India early morning - for his vacation.  Now I am truly alone at home and I am enjoying the solitude.

There is no structure to my day.  I eat, sleep, exercise, cook when I feel like it.  For the first time, working from home, I feel, has its perks.  I don't have to meet people when I am looking at my worst.

I have no expectations, don't owe anyone anything and am free to do as I please.

Right now I keep listening to this music, an old favourite of mine.

Facing It

Our relationship was never all that great - but so are 99.5% relationships in this whole entire f***** world that way.

There is one thing that nags me though - did I drive DH to have this affair?  You know sometimes you jinx yourself.  In one of my previous posts I had wished that he would find some sort of true love.  And God knows - maybe this is IT for him.

But me - what about me?  Maybe I didn't love him like "I would die for you" sort of thing.  But I really cared for him and thought of his good all the time.  This is like a stab at the back.  That he has been seeing this woman for almost a year - can you believe it?  A year and idiot me found out only this week when they took a trip to France together.

France, France? Haha - I could laugh my guts out right now.  7 blooming years I have been in this country and the furthest we have gone together from home (apart from India of course) is Southampton - about 200 miles away. 

Just wish the earth would open up and swallow me.....

For the record - I am angry, NOT sad.

The Confession

I asked him only one question "Are you having an affair?".  He gave me an equally shorter answer: "Yes".

I asked him what he wanted to do.  Instead of answering he asked me what I wanted to do.  I said I wanted out and that he would have to help me to move out. He said fine.

I asked him how he intended to do that.  He said he would sell the house and we would split the cash.

And that was it.

I calmly walked to my room and started crying........

Stunned

This is something that happens only in movies.  It has never happened to any of my friends and I never expected something like this to happen to me.

I am not even sure how to put this into words.  I have been stunned only once before - when my father passed away in July 2011.  So I know the drill - you are in a daze and do not know what to do, how to feel, who to talk to.... This time too it's similar but with a huge sense of betrayal.

I believe DH is having an affair or close to an affair.  I do not know whether they have done the whole affairy thing.  But if his emails are anything to go by then they have gone the whole nine yards.

I found out about it yesterday.  And no I have not confronted him as yet.

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Away Now....

This message goes specially to all those who have commented on my previous post.  Each comment deserves a reply.  Right now I am in Brussels on work and will be back home tomorrow late at night.

I have decided on some major changes.  Even though I am at work here, it has given me some time to get away from it all and to think thoroughly about my situation.  I WILL dust my back and STAND UP again - rest assured.

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

The Drama Continues

I am loud, crass, crude and totally lack any social or diplomatic skills when I am angry or excited.  Both ends of my emotional spectrum.  If I don't get it out of my system,  the emotional build up would do me more harm than good.

I have been exercising like crazy and now I am beginning to see some abs and leg definition.  I have always liked seeing before and after snaps of people and thought it best to get a "before" picture taken before I truly lost oodles of weight (that wish looks like a reality at the moment).

So after a grueling 10kms on the elliptical and a 40mins weight exercise I asked DH whether he could take a picture of mine.  I wanted one taken in a two piece swimming costume.  DH was in the living room at the time. After he agreed, I went to my room (next to the living room) and changed into my costume.  Then I called out to DH informing him that I was ready.  No response.  I called out to DH again, this time a bit louder. Not a word, so I raised my volume again.  Remember I couldn't get out of my room 'cause my son was upstairs. I must have called DH four times before our Maharajah tells me that he is just shutting down his netbook and that I need not shout.  WTF.  All the high that I had had from the excitement just died down.  I had shouted because I wasn't getting a response from him.

So I just locked my room, changed into my house cloths and didn't let DH into my room despite his constant knocking.  After about two minutes I did open the door and he came in to apologize.  Frankly speaking I didn't pay any attention to what he was saying.  All that I could think of was "this bastard was just incapable of fulfilling even minor wishes of mine."  I was crying and he was trying to hug me.  Sensing a lack of response from my side, DH walked away.

For the next two days I went about doing my stuff and DH his. I slept in my room and DH in his bedroom.   After the two days, I went to him and said something casual, nothing major, to which DH said that I have some mental issues and that I need to sort it out first.

Coming from anyone else I would have taken it, but not from this man.  This guy, who actually relies on me completely for his financial security and who does not take on any responsibilities of a householder, how could he talk to me like this?  Even otherwise it is difficult for me to respect such a character and to think that I have such a person for a partner and that too one that I have chosen on my own - wow some people (like me) never ever learn in life.

Before we could get deep into the argument, I walked out of DH's bedroom.  I've had enough......

Today

Some days, just some days life seems to be perfect.  You love your husband and your son, you don’t care much about the state of your home, you have done everything in your to-do list, even an hour of exercise, had good healthy home-made food, its pay day and you have put aside a chunk of your salary in so-called savings and finally at work you have a stress free time. 

Now let me take a moment and enjoy this feeling......

Maybe I was Wrong....

I had wanted DH to be the traditional male householder – the provider, the caretaker, etc etc.  At the same time I do not conform to the role of a traditional housewife in any form or manner.  Then why do I have such high expectations of him?  I keep asking myself this.  Since when did I want someone else to be my support?  Since when did I want to be dependent on some else for my security?

 

No this is not me.  Maybe with age I have become weak or maybe my love for DH made me weak.  Maybe I associated all partners to be like my Dad – the breadwinner and responsible for everything at home.

Maybe now I am realising that DH has always cared about me and I never even once made the connection because Dad has always been my ideal.  How else would you explain this?  For two years, after I landed here, DH used to cook all our meals.  (I was busy being depressed about my move from sunny Dubai to the dreary, grey UK).  He cleared the garbage, worked on the garden, made plans for the weekend and took me out to Central London.  DH even did the odd cleaning of the house.  But these things did not matter to me because Dad never did these at home and hence I had no way of comparing or weighing up DH’s actions.  God, I have been such a big bitch.  Why did I ever feel the need to compare DH to my Dad?

I keep complaining that DH is lax and has no drive in life.  But I forget that the house that we are living in right now is his contribution, completely his.  I may have spent on its maintenance, but that does not measure up an iota to the investment DH has made on this house. 

Giving up on one’s expectations is not easy; it is so bloody hard. In my case these were false, ridiculous expectations.  By giving them up I know happiness is within reach and I am working my ass to get there.  DH is not a bad person and neither am I.  It’s just that I am learning something new about DH and about myself everyday.....

This has got to be love, I have no other explanation....no other excuses.....

10th January 2013

I want to remember the date.  It was such a low point, brought on completely by myself.

Here I was with my list of to-dos and trying to tick off as much as possible to get a sense of accomplishment.  And then I happened to go through some blogs and I saw this picture of a house.  There was nothing per se about the house, but what caught my attention was the sheer illusion of expanse created by minimalistic furnishing.

You know – for me a house is up there and when I say there – it is the most important possession in one’s life, only then comes whatever.

I am not really sure what happened but my I found myself crying, really crying; you know the ones where you are not only crying but howling as well, like a hurt animal.  I am not fancy, I don’t like big houses; I don’t like excessive furnishing and love having just absolutely nothing at home.  What I do want is a solid, neat and clean house. 

This house was built in 1933 and it belonged to DH’s family.  They were not well off and the house was not well maintained, it still has a lot of work to be done.  DH says that they bought the best of what they could afford. I feel bad in telling him that the best of what they could afford was still below the acceptable standards.  This leaves us with the question why not sell the house and move in to a better one?  I would if I could at the drop of a hat, but DH can’t.  He has so much of stuff of sentimental value, that it would be next to impossible for him to clear out his belongings.

Deepa had asked me to zero in on what exactly bothers me about DH and now I have.

I believe all my misfortune in life is due to my association with DH.  DH's poverty and his acceptance of it bothers me.  People should have the drive to work towards making their lives better. I do not want to tag along with a loser.  That is so not me.

I am Hanging on

This is why I am still in this relationship.  Because DH just refuses to leave me alone.  He tells me to hang in there; try and try and try and try again till we fall in love....

Maybe this is love and I am not getting it?  Maybe all couples are just friends and confidants and not really passionate lovers?  Maybe this is the true version of love or love as our parents saw it.  Maybe I am still stuck in my 1980s Mills and Boon romance, I don't know.

I am back to sleeping in his (sorry our) bedroom and life is looking brighter for the time being.

Where Has The Love Gone?

We try daily and I swear we do.  We talk, we discuss, we argue, we walk out, we come back again and we do the same things over and over, yet... Yet we cannot understand why we cannot find anything to love about each other?

Is it because we are in a second marriage and are too old to change our ways?  Or is it that we do not have any in-laws, any children together or even a joint investment (like a house) to bind us together?

Right now I just wish to be away from him to do my own stuff.

Today Is Important For Me

Today is our sixth wedding anniversary.  On Friday we had made grand plans for Saturday - to spend the whole day at Tate Modern (yeah that’s how adventurous we get).  But come Saturday morning something just didn’t feel right. I mean six years of being unhappy, of feeling so poor and having no choice of getting out of this miserable place.  Yes it all began with love, but love left our home a long long time back and now we are going to celebrate the dreadful day that we both said “I do”?  C’mon you have got to be kidding me. 

Being the wet blanket that I always am, thought I wouldn’t talk about it and just go on with the plans.  Thing with me is that I can’t hide a thing from DH. Each and every emotion, feeling of mine is deeply etched on my face and in my every action and it didn’t take DH long to figure out that my mood was as usual out.

It was my brother’s wedding anniversary in Jan and he gifted my sis-in-law with a Sony Experion and a Samsung Tablet.  My son says – why does he buy all that stuff for her, she knows jack shit about technology.  But I love what my brother does for his wife – somewhere along the line there is a show and I believe you do need to make that show.  It helps.  It makes the woman feel proud, wanted and worth it.

I am so sick and tired of living in poverty.  When I got married I thought that my love could withstand the materialistic pull and that I was stronger than the rest of the people.  But no, I am just ordinary, like any other woman out there.  DH says I never appreciated any of the small stuff that he did for me.  No, I don’t want the small stuff – I was a BIG stuff and I want to show this BIG stuff to everyone around and I want to tell them – this is what my loving husband bought for me.

When did I turn to be so petty?  I don’t know.

The Imperfect Relationship

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "I Dream of Money":

“Maybe it is the perspective of an outsider who knows nothing but you seem to be really unhappy in your marriage or at least not at all happy in your marriage. Isn't it better to be alone?”


This really got me thinking and instead of replying as a comment, thought the reply deserved its own post because it is a long drawn explanation.

First of all let us remove a few of the biases. This is my blog so obviously I will come across as the victim because I have this nature of giving glory to pain and hurt and keeping absolutely silent about the good times.

Take for e.g. – I wrote many posts about how DH and I haven’t been talking. Fact is we started talking on February 13th (for the first time this year!) and I never wrote about it in here. For me not talking for two and a half months was more of a big news and well all couples talk to each other, so what’s the fun in letting the readers know that?

OK now coming back to the real issue that I have. DH and I are too different, I call the term as being trapped by our own personalities. Chinty = trying to be minimalist + want more money. DH = hoarder + have no money / want no more money. Difference is an understatement; we are opposites. In pursuit of love I shifted to the UK leaving behind my family in Dubai, a great paying job and all the luxuries that I was used to. Remember it was not a blind move – I did stay with DH for four months in the UK before taking the plunge. So I knew where he lived, his financial situation etc. But when you are in love you believe everything will turn out well and nothing really matters. All you want is to be with the one you love.

But as with any marriage, after a few years love goes out of the window and you are usually with your partner due to habit, children or other long term money commitments (say a house). In my equation with DH, we don’t have any children together or long term commitments. The house is DH’s given to him by his father. So that leaves just the habit. If I have quit smoking after 11 years of abusing my body, then surely walking away from this relationship of 9 years should be super easy? Well no.

DH understands me, knows me inside out. He knows what makes me tick and what doesn’t. Sure there are lots of stuff about him that I do not like – the hoarding, the constant pursuit of education and total absence of any desire to be what I call successful in life. So what? These are my expectations and I shouldn’t expect anyone to change themselves to fit in with my expectations. If I were to be in DH’s shoes I would be so unhappy too. One of my major gripes is that I cannot cook to save my life; I am obsessed with cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy. If I clean the kitchen or bathroom, I don’t like anyone entering the place for an hour or so. I am fanatical about saving money and it is a real pain for me to agree for us to have a good time because that means spending money. I don’t believe in taking vacations together – we go to India every year don’t we, so why spend more money elsewhere.

Mind you I wasn’t obsessed with money before meeting DH – only after shifting to the UK and realising that if I am not careful, we both will have to sit by the street with a pan in our hands!

Now to the selfish reasons – If I walk out now, I have to go somewhere? Where is this somewhere? It is too late for me to get a job either in Dubai or even in India. I have a son and we need some sort of stability in our lives for him to continue his education. And lastly, I don’t have enough money to buy a flat/house in the UK and nor will I get enough finances to fund a mortgage here. Here DH plays the provider.

And just to clear the air – DH and I talk about our relationship all the time. All the above reasons have been dissected to nuts. We are brutally frank with each other.

So there goes – mutual dependency, a complete understanding of each other’s limitations and a healthy respect of our situation is what keeps us together. It is not perfect, far from it but hey who says that life would be perfect anyway.

PS: I have blabbered the way the thoughts have come to my mind. It may or may not be in a sequence that seems logical. As I sleep over it, I am sure I will have more points to jot – which is usual for me. But for the time being I have exhausted it all.