New Year

For some people, no change that, for everyone New year starts on 1st Jan.  Not for me though.  For me, my New Year started on 1st Dec.  OK go on, ask me the obvious question - why?

2012 was a horrible year for me. 2013, despite the lows was much better.  2014, my friends, is MY year and 12 months of it is just not enough.  Also I moved to my new assignment at work today.  A new job, a new year and a fantastic me.  This is how I see it.  Surprisingly, and so unlike me, I have been in a very content space the past two months.  It is as if I have everything I need.  I have so much of stuff - clothes, shoes, makeup, bags (no, that does not make me stop from window shopping), I cook and eat such good food, DH & I - we are good with each other (and hopefully good for each other too!), my son, mom and brother are healthy and for once we have started accepting each other as we are (Not an easy thing I tell and it took us a long time to get here).

There is love, there is peace and above all there is Harmony.  Maybe that was missing before - HARMONY.  I mean, I wanted people to be this way and that way without ever looking at a middle ground, a half way through.  Happiness does exist there too.

I no longer feel poor (Sure I could do with a million dollar lottery win), I feel beautiful, healthy and wanted all the time.  Yes WANTED ALL THE TIME (DH deserves a lot of credit here).  Like relationships, feeling beautiful and healthy requires a lot of effort.  These days I look at myself in the mirror and am surprised at the pretty woman staring back at me.

I do not feel the need to blog.  This blog, I associate it with unhappiness, discontent and tears.  But today, this very second, I don't care.  Everything is perfect.  Perfect, not in a perfect way, but more like all the imperfections have a perfect fit.  Does that make any sense at all?

Totally off tangent now.  I had to stop my Japanese classes in November.  The weekly trips to SOAS was too much to squeeze in to an already busy schedule.  Rather unfortunate as I was really getting the hang of learning a foreign language.  Today at my new work place, I found out that they were giving Mandarin classes for a piddly fees.  And you bet your sweet ass I enrolled for it as soon as I saw the advert.  Classes begin in January and every Wednesdays, during lunch time I will attend these classes. When one door closes, another one opens - is all that I can say.

God / the universe is with me. Wait and watch me fly this year.

How was 2013 for you?  What are your plans for 2014?

Today

Some days, just some days life seems to be perfect.  You love your husband and your son, you don’t care much about the state of your home, you have done everything in your to-do list, even an hour of exercise, had good healthy home-made food, its pay day and you have put aside a chunk of your salary in so-called savings and finally at work you have a stress free time. 

Now let me take a moment and enjoy this feeling......

10th January 2013

I want to remember the date.  It was such a low point, brought on completely by myself.

Here I was with my list of to-dos and trying to tick off as much as possible to get a sense of accomplishment.  And then I happened to go through some blogs and I saw this picture of a house.  There was nothing per se about the house, but what caught my attention was the sheer illusion of expanse created by minimalistic furnishing.

You know – for me a house is up there and when I say there – it is the most important possession in one’s life, only then comes whatever.

I am not really sure what happened but my I found myself crying, really crying; you know the ones where you are not only crying but howling as well, like a hurt animal.  I am not fancy, I don’t like big houses; I don’t like excessive furnishing and love having just absolutely nothing at home.  What I do want is a solid, neat and clean house. 

This house was built in 1933 and it belonged to DH’s family.  They were not well off and the house was not well maintained, it still has a lot of work to be done.  DH says that they bought the best of what they could afford. I feel bad in telling him that the best of what they could afford was still below the acceptable standards.  This leaves us with the question why not sell the house and move in to a better one?  I would if I could at the drop of a hat, but DH can’t.  He has so much of stuff of sentimental value, that it would be next to impossible for him to clear out his belongings.

Deepa had asked me to zero in on what exactly bothers me about DH and now I have.

I believe all my misfortune in life is due to my association with DH.  DH's poverty and his acceptance of it bothers me.  People should have the drive to work towards making their lives better. I do not want to tag along with a loser.  That is so not me.

I am Hanging on

This is why I am still in this relationship.  Because DH just refuses to leave me alone.  He tells me to hang in there; try and try and try and try again till we fall in love....

Maybe this is love and I am not getting it?  Maybe all couples are just friends and confidants and not really passionate lovers?  Maybe this is the true version of love or love as our parents saw it.  Maybe I am still stuck in my 1980s Mills and Boon romance, I don't know.

I am back to sleeping in his (sorry our) bedroom and life is looking brighter for the time being.

Where Has The Love Gone?

We try daily and I swear we do.  We talk, we discuss, we argue, we walk out, we come back again and we do the same things over and over, yet... Yet we cannot understand why we cannot find anything to love about each other?

Is it because we are in a second marriage and are too old to change our ways?  Or is it that we do not have any in-laws, any children together or even a joint investment (like a house) to bind us together?

Right now I just wish to be away from him to do my own stuff.

A Good Day

When you have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no one to hug you and comfort you, you take solace in God. You get on your knees and beg that He gives you enough courage to get you through the day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change certain things that are happening right now. At work, my boss needs to find out the direction that our department has to take. Without any real alignment with other teams, we cannot move forward and the solution to this is in my boss’s camp. I just need to take a deep breath till everything is sorted out.

DH, while there are so many things I would like to change about him, I do not want him to change just for me. For now, I am OK with this status quo and yes, I can live with the silence.

The things that I can change and have a control over are my health, my studies and my finances.

I woke up this morning at around 4:30 am with the firm decision that I would be happy and remain happy throughout the day. Did some stretching exercises, a bit of yoga and finished it off with meditation. Then I covered myself with purple light (I am an advanced Pranic Healer, it helps when I put my mind to it). Worked hard from 8:30 to 4:30pm – did not surf aimlessly and actually got some work done, not much, cleared around 180 emails. At 5 got on the elliptical and exercised for exactly 40 mins – burnt 270 calories, clocked 14kms – an all time high.

I worked from home today – so it was literally a no spend day. My wallet is happy. Dinner was just a mutton roll; hated every bite of it. Thought it was a good way of eating less, just eat what you don’t like.

A won all the badminton matches at school and has got selected to play at West London Level. Hope he does well. In Dubai he used to be a tennis player taking part in a lot of tournaments. Here I cannot afford to give him four hours of individual training daily. So it is a blessing that A has found another game just as interesting.

It has been a good day – thank you God.

I still miss Daddy though and I think I did not grieve enough back in July when he passed away. It‘s all coming back to me now. Why did it take so long for me to realise that I love him like crazy?

And it's just two weeks into New Year

I don’t think I have ever been this down in life. Everything seems out of control and I just don’t know what to do anymore.


At work my job is to find gaps in work processes, source manpower from various departments, initiate a project and find solutions. Problem starts when one of the departments involved in the project tries to steer the decision to one they think is right. And to top it all, they would have the backing of some high level boss. Thing is I can’t stand office politics and don’t want to be a part of it either. Worse still, I am no longer sure who is in charge of the projects – is it me or the other department? To be clear – my boss is just as confused as I am.

DH and I aren’t still talking. But now I know the reason for his silence. Apparently sometime in Dec I had told him that I do not want to talk to him. (I think it was more like me saying I do not want to discuss something.) No I do not remember the incident, but I have let it be. May be DH needs his space and he will come back to me when he is ready. May be DH will never get over this silence and may be our marriage will fail. Right now, DH not talking to me does not affect me. I am pretty comfortable with just interactions with my son at home and various other things at home keep me more than busy. End of the day this is my policy – Don’t seek out for attention, affection and love; these have to come to you and not the other way round. I guess one has to work at relationships and I have been plain lazy and now it is too late.

Finances – I have had to give my car back to the company. They let me use it for two extra years while I changed from a sales job to the one in Supply Chain and people in Supply Chain do not get a car. I am OK with public transportation as long as it does not include grocery shopping. How do these people do it without a car? My purchase list becomes smaller and smaller every week; I can’t think of lugging the bags from the store to home. All fingers point to me buying a new car. Fact is I cannot afford a big car like the one I was used to and my pride does not allow me to buy a small car. Right now my pride is winning; but it’s my back that’s breaking with two hours of commute whenever I go to the office.

Daddy – I MISS him like crazy. I go to the living room to dust the place and every time I see his picture, I start crying. I was such a bad daughter; don’t think I ever gave him any happiness. Mom and he were always so worried about me – for being so headstrong, stubborn and independent. I wish I could rewind the clock and given in to some of his desires. I just wish to God that I could make up to him somehow, someway......

The only silver lining in all this is my son and I am thankful for his presence in my life.

That Happy Family

Picture source

Do people have perfect lives or do they think that they have perfect lives? I believe it's all in the mind.

I also believe that all families are dysfunctional; scratch the surface and you will get a glimpse of the ugliness. But dysfunctional is good, it shows that people are individuals with varied tastes and circumstances. Being perfect is just our way of trying to harmonise with our particular set of circumstances.

At one point I was sad that I lost custody of A, then I was devastated when I came to know that my ex-husband hit A so bad that it broke A's hand. That day I prayed God to keep my son safe and sound. All I wanted was for A to be alive, in one piece and away from that horrible man. Then my happiness knew no bounds when I got back A's custody. But that high came crashing down when his request for a UK visa got rejected.

And now A has been in India for close to 10 months - staying with my parents who dot on him. He gets the very best of food, lives in a very sheltered and loving environment, goes to a fantastic school the likes of which I will never be to afford here and is enjoying life with friends who still have an innocence about them.

Tell me then, what right do I have to pay 3000 pounds to a lawyer to fight for my son's UK visa appeal? What is it that I believe I can offer him in Southall? Run down schools with kids who could possibly be carrying knives, where drugs could be available round the corner? How can I expect my son who, till last year, did not know the meaning of F**** to make friends in this counry? If he is anything like his mother A is never going to make any friends here.

So why exactly do I want A to be here with me? I have just one very feeble excuse - because I am his mother and a very selfish one at that. I want A here so that I can take care of him, make food for him, teach him, see him grow to adulthood and finally fly out on his own.

My Dad tells me that even if the UK visa came through A would anyway have to go back to India for his college. So the big serious advise from Dad is not to spend that money.

I, for one, can't believe my dad. How can one put a price on one's kid? How can I say what these years with my son are worth to me, even if it's just for another four years?

Heck, all I know is that not only should my son be safe and sound, he should be safe and sound WITH me.

I don't know if the appeal will be successful or not, but I can rest with this thought - I would have tried till the very end.

Despite trying so hard to become one happy family unit, my family might come across as being very dysfunctional to some. And that's OK with me.

March Round-Up

Letting March go without recapping it would not be fair to myself.

On to the highlights of the month:

Spent two gorgeous weeks in Kerala with my family. It was mom’s 60th birthday and when she said that she wanted to celebrate it, I didn’t have the heart to refuse. I did something illegal – travelled to India on my Indian passport, though I am now a British Citizen. My excuse, I did not have the time to surrender the Indian passport, then apply for the Indian visa. Why when I had the Indian passport already with me? Now pls don’t ask me why I still have my Indian passport instead of surrendering it sometime last year. Pure Laziness, nothing else. In Feb I had decided on a shopping ban. In India I ended up buying three kurtis and 2 salwars. But the thing that actually broke my bank account was the shopping for my family – son, parents, brother and my beautiful nieces. If I have to do it again, I would without a second thought. It was also the time that I got to write about eeprika’s request on a role that I played (here, here, here & here). Only downer to trip – it was so hot in Kerala that I literally sweat buckets!!

Two days after my return and on an almost sunny day (beginning of spring so to speak), I got a terrible stomach ache and had to get a minor operation done. I really don’t know why it happened to me at this stage. But nevertheless the very incident of having lost a baby made me think a lot. DH says that it’s an IT and I say it was a BABY. We have yet to talk about the incident and knowing DH we are never going to talk about it.

The irony of it all - in 15 years while I had 100% chance of conceiving I never conceived once, but now, the doctor says, with just one fallopian tube intact I have 50% chances of conceiving.  Hello - Doctor do I look stupid to you??

In the meanwhile, however, my mind has been at work and I have reached at some decisions. My family, including DH might say that it was due to the above and some of it might be true, but I would say it that this incident made me see some things clearly. I am still pondering over it even now and hopefully in April (this month) I will have enough courage to put down my thoughts to a post.

A Baby

I am trying to find the right words to begin this story or episode or phase or whatever you can call it.

You are about to touch 40.
You have a 15 yr old son.
You have been with your husband for a long time.
And you have never touched contraceptives in the past 15 years.

So what should you feel when the doctor at A&E tells you that you have terrible stomach and leg cramps because you are pregnant?

When the news is given to you, you have your sister-in-law sitting right beside you and you both squeal out “Oh my God!!!” She looks happy and you do not know how to react. The doctor asks you “Is this a planned pregnancy?” and you say “No” and then he adds “Is this a wanted pregnancy?” and then without a moment’s doubt you say “Hell yes.” For sure yes.....

You are sent for various scans and just when you get around to digesting the fact that this is indeed a good news, you are told that the scan reveals this to be an ectopic pregnancy and you need to have an emergency operation within 24 hrs to get your right side fallopian tube removed along with the 6 weeks (6mm) foetus.

I am not sure what to think of this. Why did this happen to me? What was the universe trying to tell me. As I sit here at home looking at the stitches on my tummy after the deed has been done, I wonder....

And for the first time in 15 years, I want to have a baby again.....

Nothing New On This Front

I haven't really thought of anything specific to jot down here - life is as usual taking its course and I am going along with it.

On the health front I feel quite tired and don't have my usual appetite. At times I have this warped notion that I might be dying of cancer or something like that. Then I see flashes of my dad and mom crying. Shh...not good thoughts at all.

I travel every week. I visit Geneva and Frankfurt more than I do Central London. These days I even get my hair cut at Toni & Guy in Geneva. Talk about going to a different country to get a blooming hair cut. Isn’t this what celebrities do?

I miss A, Mom and Dad and am always on the phone with them. Spend a fortune every month on that.

Valentine’s – I didn’t do much, though DH wanted us to go out. I was moody as usual, which is nothing new. Come important days like New Year, Valentine’s, Easter holidays and I find something or the other wrong with our relationship and don’t do anything much to celebrate the day.

Better shoot off now – travelling again tomorrow and not yet ready with the presentation that I have to make.

Round Up of Jan

Thanks Childwoman. Once in a while I need a nudge to be reminded that I do have a blog and one that has to be updated.

OK let's get an entry into Jan before it gets over.

To tell you the truth this month has been pretty adventurous till now, not that's not the right word, it has been full of events.  So where do I start.....

Work:

I did not get promoted.  No I was not expecting it.  But my colleague, with whom I am very close to, did.  I had a major rant with my boss - no, not because I did not get a promotion, but because he is leaving the department before he could work on my promotion for next year.  My boss assured me that I would get good salary increases for the next five years and that he has worked on my career graph pretty well.  I am not complaining - if there is no promotion, a good salary increase would do good I guess.  Still I am not completely satisfied.

Last week on a trip to Belgium, all my colleagues (4 of us) ended up in my hotel room because I had a massive room with two double beds.  We opened a bottle of tequila bought especially by one of the colleagues from Mexico.  The colleague who got promoted got so drunk that he ended up sleeping in my room.  We were all dead drunk, but the others could make their way to their rooms.  No, I wasn't scared or anything like that.  I was more worried that in my drunken state I would pounce on my sleeping colleague.  Yes, the colleague is a guy.  Now go figure what I meant by that.

Marriage:

We went to meet a counsellor.  It was DH's idea.  Funny that DH finds it difficult to talk to me at home.  Yet once we are in an office with a counsellor, he does not have any problems in communicating.  My gripe is that do we really need to pay a hell lot of money to just talk to each other?

There was only one question that we both could not answer in the session.  The lady said "I can hear you both talk about doing some things her way and some things his way.  Do you ever do some things "our" way?" Huh....no never.  What is "our" way?  We both were so lovey dovey for the past three weeks.  We had to go for the session because DH had already paid for it.  As expected, since we have got back from that session on Tuesday we have not talked to each other.  DH does not want me to dissect the session at home and I do not understand why we cannot.

Son:

A is a brilliant boy and one who does not believe in studying at home.  Nah...he refuses to touch his books.  I have no clue how he passes his exams, but he does with good marks. If only he were to put some effort into his studies, he would stand first in the class.  Sorry I am a mother who wants her son to do his best and be the best in everything.  I do not believe that children should be left to enjoy themselves all the time.  No, I am not cool that way.

Exercise:

The cross trainer got assembled last week.  And in my room, it sits right in between my futon and dressing table.  It's this huge giant right in the middle of my small room (by now you should know that houses in UK are really TINY).  I use it regularly because I want to lose some weight and generally challenge myself.  Exercising one hour on this machine has got to do more with mind over matter than anything else.

The new year has started off pretty mediocre, but I am still thankful for all my blessings.

2010 - You will be remembered

How can I let 2010 go without recapping the major events of the year?

Let’s start with the bad ones first because I would like to finish off on a good note....

The Bad

- Seeing my son A with his arm in a cast – all thanks to his dad getting aggressive over some stupid tennis match and receiving the news on my b’day.

- A not getting his UK visa!!!

- Numerous arguments with DH over my OCD. (He the hoarder and me the purger.) I am also obsessive about keeping things neat and tidy. I kid you not, my marriage was literally on the edge. We spent 22 days in the same house not talking to each other and frankly during this period I did not see DH even once. I was cooped up in my clean little room.

- With the new job that I started on 1st Jan, I stopped going to the gym. Result – same weight but completely un-toned body shape.

- Lost all interest in dressing up nice – with a relationship full of constant arguments and working from home, I had no reason to dress up!

- Giving up my Indian citizenship. Every time I hear mile sur mera tumhara I literally have tears in my eyes. I love being an Indian and believe that in about 10 years time an Indian passport will be worth more than having any western passport. But alas these justifications do me no good today. With the amount of travelling that I do for work, I just cannot afford to waste any more time in consulates for an entry visa.

- Towards the end of the year, I became a bit of an expert at my new job. And that resulted in me being a bit too aggressive for my liking. I like being confident but not too over confident.



The Good

- After 7 years of staying away from my son and being fearful about my ex-husband, all it took was seeing my son’s broken arm - overnight I developed balls of steel. My parents and I knocked all doors – the Police, the Court and finally I got my son’s custody back. There’s no greater joy than knowing that your kid is safe and sound.

- So yes A didn’t get his visa to the UK and right now it is under appeal with the appeal date set for April 2011. A not being with me no longer bothers me. Currently he is studying in a very good school in India and frankly speaking I have a very low opinion of schooling in the UK, especially schools in Southall where I live.

- If A does not ultimately get the right to live in the UK, I am planning to relocate to some other Western European country. I have that sort of option with my company. And I know that DH does not have any problem in joining me if I were to shift due to A.

- Ah my husband. Well 22 days of not talking to each other was just about what we both could take in terms of separation. Later we had the hottest make out session and then got down to discussion our problems and how best to get over them. Net net result – we both will adjust. Now how come we didn’t remember that before?

- Alright so I rarely get out of the house during week days and something tells me that I should make exercise part of my daily routine just like how it was in 2009. So I have now invested in a Reebok bike and cross trainer. Will be taking delivery of it soon.

- Not so sure why I lost interest in dressing up. I was the best turned out one in college and also in my previous company and took pride in my beautiful clothes. I guess God gives everyone a quota and if you finish it up too soon, you have nothing left for later on. My policy is comfort over style and even at work and during my business trips I wear my black jeans. This had to change, c’mon I am not yet 40. First things first – chopped off my waist length hair and now it’s just to my neck. I cut it first to shoulder length and then mustered enough courage to chip it all off. I look hot, if I may say so. Next was cashing in on the Christmas sale – I went to all the shops, even the ones online and have now bought enough outfits to last me a year. Strangest thing – I bought only dresses, not a single pair of trousers.

But above all I want to thank the Universe for two things – for having given me the strength to withstand all that came my way and for such a wonderful husband who patiently stood by me all the time.

And now I look forward to what's in store for me in 2011.

A's Visa Update & Misc

I thought I would give an update on my son’s visa, since I got two comments on it.

We just got around to applying for his visa last Wednesday; the major delay being getting a British passport for myself. You see, I want to make my son’s application water-tight, i.e. under no circumstance should it get refused by the Border Agency.

Anyway, what I was totally unprepared for was the massive amount of paper work involved in applying visa for a kid travelling unaccompanied. I have literally provided details about my entire life, DH’s life – in true and original copies. No, I don’t want to think negative – hopefully VFS won’t lose any of our original documents.

Apart from the wait DH and I are palpitating over how we would welcome a 14 yr old boy into the household. Till now we have been enjoying life like a newly married couple (well not exactly – like a second time married couple). If DH feels like it, he can walk around naked (not that he has ever done it, but the option was always there!). With a teenager around we both are not exactly sure how we should behave at home. DH and I are melancholic people, immersed in our own worries and thoughts, we both need our space and do not like being questioned. Our laptops are a part of our body and we rarely get out of our respective study rooms. I bet with A around all that will change or has to change.

To start with I have had to give up my study room – this is A’s new room and I have moved my study table to the guest bedroom which means that we no longer have a guest room. Things will heat up next year when my brother with his two kids and my parents come over for my graduation. In case you do not know – an MBA degree is my 40th birthday gift to myself. God – I need something to show in return for all that sweat and blood, slogging over things that were really OHT for me (OHT = over-head transmission!!)

Side news – I cut my waist long hair and have taken a fancy to high-heeled shoes. The only thing I could do with my waist length hair was to single plait like a school girl or leave it open; due to the weight I could not put it up in a do or even curl them (the tongs weren’t long enough!). Now my mane stays just below my shoulder and I feel freer. No longer do I have to use oodles of shampoo and conditioner and wait for my hair to get dry. Of course I was so disappointed seeing it all being cut – but it was for the best. I truly look younger now. As to the high heels – I have always been a “comfort over fashion” girl (no woman) and high heels and mini-skirts are something I tried my hand at on 20s. But that’s all coming back to me. DH says that I am going through a mid-life crisis and I do believe him. I am going with the flow....

Making Friends

So what does a person who has trouble making friends do – get on a site called “Fishing for Friends”. Hell if I can dig out a husband from Bharatmatrimony.com, I can surely get a friend from another site. And so I did.
Last week I got two replies – one from a lady in Ealing and the other from Reading.

I have just come back after spending a Saturday lunch with the Ealing lady (EL). A black lady who is married to an Indian from Gibraltar – I tell you my world is getting smaller and smaller. I had such a good time chatting with EL. We shared work, family and kid stories. I even shared my newly found “Korean” obsession.

The Reading lady (RL) and I have been conversing a lot over the phone. We talk to each other at least thrice a week. So yeah it has been good so far. RL is single, Muslim and used to live with her mother till very recently. She seems to be like a person who needs a lot of emotional support.

Both these ladies are my age group – well slightly older. But I am having a ball of a time. And for the time I am going to keep all my prejudices locked up.

A Time For Tears

You know I don’t cry much. I can feel sad, depressed, lonely and be silent for a long time, but never cry. I don’t think myself as too strong it’s just that tears don’t come unless it’s a situation that involves my son.

Having said that I cried recently (twice!!) - I happened to watch the new release of Mile Sur Mera Tumhara and shed buckets of tears. I miss India, I miss not being part of India’s growth and most of all I miss home and the flavour of the country. What the hell am I doing in this cold, bleak, wintry place I have no clue.

The second time my eyes welled up when my new boss send me a chat message asking me whether I was happy? Oh my God, since when did bosses start asking this sort of question?

As to whether I am happy at work - for the first time I can say that I am truly content with what I am doing.

Art & Books

Last Saturday we weathered the snow to go to Tate Modern to watch John Baldessari. For once I have to say – I walked out of that place not really understanding what the hell John Baldessari was all about. Sorry arty guys not everything I see I like. DH says that art is sometimes educative and not entertaining or informative. Whatever! I just feel bad that we spent money to watch that work. 

Finished reading Bitter Sweets by Roopa Farooki. Let me say this - it didn’t tickle my grey cells; yet another story of a generation of sub-continent family trying to find their footing in the UK. I am so over that genre. But what did grab my attention was The Professor and The Housekeeper by Yoko Ogawa – fantastic book about a housekeeper taking care of a professor who has loses his memory every 80 minutes and the profound influence of the professor on her son and her. Beautiful read I tell you and the chapters have such a great flow to it. Never a boring second.

Lost.....Again...

I love reading other blogs especially blogs about people and their lives, not the ones that concentrate on any one particular topic like cooking or books or art or babies but the ones that talk about life – their ordinary day to day lives. But the more blogs I read blogs of this nature the more I don’t feel like writing mine. I feel that I talk absolute nonsense; my blog is one without passion, without substance. I am what you call a vain person; I talk about no one else but myself and am so superficial even about it.

This is because deep, deep inside I still am an insecure person. I can talk about my work, the people around me, the stuff I buy, the things that I see but by God I can’t talk about what I feel about them. That would be too much for me, to reveal my thoughts, deep deep hardcore uncensored thoughts to someone. It would strip me of being the person that I really am.

The very fact that my second marriage is surviving is because I have a fantastic husband; it has nothing to do with me. He takes care of me and gives me the space that I need. And that’s a whole lot. I am always lost deep in my thoughts and am no good in doing day to day family life, most of the time I am completely oblivious to what’s happening around me. World politics and the unhappiness of people do not interest me, neither am I strong enough to take responsibility of someone’s happiness. My own son lives with his father and as long as I know that he is having good food to eat, getting good grades in school and having a fun time living with his father, I am OK. When I talk to him daily I want to hear him happy. And that makes me happy.

Other than work, I am not into anything. Things interest me only for a short period of time. I can’t get myself to see through a project or concentrate on any one thing that takes time. So what’s the point of this post.....I am not really sure. What I do know that is that I am on the brink of getting lost....lost again..... and a new year has just about started.

Sophie Calle.......and Me

On 2nd I went to Whitechapel to see Sophie Calle’s exhibition. I have to confess that before going to the venue I knew nothing, absolutely nothing about Sophie Calle. DH is usually the one making decisions on which exhibitions we should go to, it is his forte; I am the dumb one in this department.

Thing with me is that once I am in an exhibition I could spend hours and hours and hours there and Sophie Calle’s was no exception. We reached Whitechapel at 11 am and left the place at about 4 in the evening; we didn’t have lunch. Now I am no reviewer and this is just my personal take on her work. The piece that I liked a lot (well a lot of pieces) is called Take Care of Yourself. Sophie Calle was dumped by her boyfriend via an email message. This email, Sophie sends to 107 profession women and asks them to interpret the letter via their profession. There was a shooter, a DJ, a bharatnatyam dancer, a mimic, a ballet dancer, a lawyer, an actress etc etc. To say that I was enamoured would be an understatement. She turned something that gave her a lot of grief into a triumph. I mean I have broken off with ex-boyfriends in similar fashion, but nothing has ever prompted me to make these a public knowledge. My feelings and the way I handled them were so private, I internalised them. So to see someone shout out the message without being too mushy or tacky about it was eye opener.  There were other pieces of equal interest too.  One about finding an address book of a stranger and then contacting the friends from the address book to learn about the stranger.

For a non-arty person like me, this turned out to be quite an interesting trip. 

I love it when people talk about art and then they drop names like they have known these artists all their lives.  I, for one, have the memory of an elephant (which by the way means none) and for the life of me can't remember names (even if I have spent hours gawking at their work).  If ever a conversation steers towards a known artist, I have always got to turn to DH and say ...oh you remember that exhibition we went to...whats his name?  By that time it becomes apparent that my interest is relatively new and that I am a freshie in the field.  Oh how I hate it when I come across like that.....

Edit: 30in2005 just reminded me that an Elephant's memory is good. Whats the opposite of an elephant's memory...thats what I have....

Promising Day - Or Is It?

Saturday morning – through the curtains sunlight seeped it. There were all the promises of a sunny and bright day. Hubby and I held hands and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. And there on the floor was a large package - for once the postman got to the house before noon!

DH – Oh wow...what a big package.
C – Where is it from?
DH – I don’t remember buying anything from Amazon
DH – Oh this is from the Home Office. Must be for you.
C – (By this time having grabbed the package from DH) Sh*@, Sh*@, Sh*@
DH – What!!!!!!
C – They have returned my permanent residency papers.

Reason – I have to send in my application on a different set of forms.

The Irony – On 18th August I diligently filled in my Permanent Residency form and posted it by evening. And precisely on that very date, the UK Home Office uploaded their new PR application forms.

I can do without bright mornings that start on a wrong note.