Something Has To Go

Today I come with a minor news.  A couple of month's back I did not get a promotion that I had thought I rightfully deserved.  Read about that fiasco here and here. In our next 1:1 meeting, I had told my boss that we should align and document an action plan for a promotion next year.

But ever since the idea of becoming a doctor entered my mind, I have been busy studying for the various qualifying tests.

So life was looking pretty rosy - it didn't matter how the job was going 'cause I needed more time for my studies. There was Japanese and A-level science to catch up.  Studying Physics, Chemistry and Biology had  a new meaning.

Then came yesterday.  I was called to inform that I would be given a promotion if I performed well in a new assignment.  The new assignment would be for a period of eight months, handling two toughest categories in my company.  If at the end of it I were to get positive reviews from management, then the promotion is a guarantee.  And before anyone asks, no I did not have a choice.  The person handling these two categories was going on an adoption leave and they needed an experienced person to step in.  To top it all, my current role has been put on the website for internal applicants.

So let's rewind and breakdown this information.  I have a new assignment for 8 months.  If I do it well, I get a promotion and then I have to search internally within the company for a new role.  Even if I don't get a promotion, I have to leave the assignment and search for a new role within the company after 8 months.  Why? Because in my company people have to change assignments every three years and by Jan 14, I would have completed fours years in similar assignments.

Today was the formal announcement.  Some people congratulated me and others actually commented "Oh Poor You...."  Personally, I don't know what to make of it.

With this new work responsibility, I won't have time for things that really matter to me - studying and exercising. I will be travelling a lot and I mean a lot, will be handling twice the number of projects that I am handling currently and be dead strapped for time.

All this point to just one question - "What about my dreams of becoming a doctor?" Reality has not yet sunk in because I will takeover the role only next Monday.

What do you guys think?  An opportunity knocking or a hurdle in disguise?

Having One of Those Moments During My Exams

I have had very few hold-on-to-that-moment sorts of experiences. Yes having my son is foremost and then successfully manoeuvring M25, on a cold snowy January night two days after I landed in the UK, with DH who doesn’t drive! For those who don’t know M25 is a busy mother-of-a-motorway in the UK.

But it happened again, a few days back; well during my exams to be precise. I have been procrastinating this for so long; in fact I had almost given up hope of ever completing my MBA. Can you believe it? I couldn’t get myself to sit for the exams and I spent four long years pondering over it. I guess it was fear that stopped me – the fear of failure when you know that your husband’s ex-wife is an MBBS, MD, MRCPath and a PhD from Oxford there is very little that you can do to even come close to appearing intellectual to your husband. Not that it mattered to DH in any way, but being the super competitive bitch that I am, I made those mental connections a bit too early in our relationship.

I didn’t want to do what she did. My purpose of getting married to DH was not to come to the UK and pursue my studies. That’s what she did and I didn’t want to take the similar route. If you go through my previous posts you’ll see that I had many other silly hang ups that prevented me from continuing with my studies.

So what happened during those exams?? I lost my FEAR....yes that’s right...fear of failure and for once I felt so liberated as if I had gained some age old wisdom. In the greater scheme of things nothing other than my wishes matter. Who cares what ex-wife has done, who cares how she treated DH...right? As long as DH knows that I am not taking advantage of him and as long as I am pursuing my dreams....who cares what happened in the past?

I started enjoying my lessons and with just 24 hour gaps between each exam I felt so disappointed that I hadn’t let myself enjoy the course to its fullest. Damn I had wasted so much of time worrying!! Now that’s all in the past. I know I did well in those three modules and I have another six more to complete before I graduate. And now, I just know that I will do it...that I will complete this course and not just complete, I will pass with flying colours..........

This is the last of my posts about my course. I guess I have moaned about it a bit too much!!

Shitting Bricks

I have exactly six days before my exams begin and I have wasted four years in deciding whether to write this exam or not. Studying is not something that comes naturally to me; I have to discipline myself to do it. In school it was my competitive streak, in college it was because I wanted people to think I was intelligent and then I just stopped caring.

There’s only so much you can ask your parents to pay for. My entire Manipal education, which most people call a paid vacation, was completely sponsored by my “Gulfie” parents (not that I myself am not a Gulfie). (Hey I just noticed that I spelt that Gulfie instead of Gulfy. I must be getting posh!!). Anyway after the whole fiasco of Manipal, my parents wanted me to go to the US to do an MBA. After all, post-Manipal that was the next stop for most of the Gulf-based kids. Not that I objected to it. It’s just that I went all moral about it and wanted to spend my own money to do the course. When I think about it I tell myself – stupid C. Look how bad you are struggling to get back into studies.

Then I met DH and he has double MA. Again I am not the type to compare myself to my partner. But he sort of initiated the idea of me studying again. Now call me vain or whatever you want (yes I am all that you think and more) – I want an MBA ‘cause when I become the CEO of a company, I have to have a business degree to back me up. I also want a branded college ‘cause that gives extra weight to your effort. Oh come on – I want to be among the select few who got the opportunity to get in through the screening process...forget passing out. And lastly I didn’t care about the money I had to spend on it.

Have you heard about Lebanese people? (OK here I am generalising so sorry to all the people who get offended by my comments) They wear Calvin Klein underwear but have no money to buy food (Go figure that one out). So that was my mentality. Doesn’t matter how much that MBA cost me or whether I was doing it for the purpose of gaining some profound knowledge, I just HAD to do it. That was in 2005, when I was rich living in Dubai and earning a fat pay cheque.

Now fast forward (this I guess is my favourite word – maybe I still live in the past!!) and I have yet to sit for a single exam. People who got admitted along with me have long past donned that black graduation robes and made their mushy speeches. And I, I live in the UK now where I have to be careful about each and every penny that I spend. And it is now that I am beginning to understand the true reason of why undertook this mission. Yes C, its still the competitive streak in you. You care two hoots about whether you become the CEO or not. You just want to prove to yourself that you are just as good. That you can do at 38 what you had given up at 22. And that dear friend is the real challenge.

And I know exactly how it feels when I tell my son – Do your homework first, finish your lessons before you go out to play!

Just another day

DH is back to his kiddish tantrums and I have decided to no longer get upset or hassled about it. Throwing tantrums is a part of who DH is. But when DH is so good to me in every other aspect, I think I should just turn a blind eye to it.

E.Tole says that when something bothers you there are only three things that you can possibly do – change it, get out of it or accept it. I choose to accept it ‘cause I really do love him a lot. Hopefully with time DH will realise that his mood swings are doing us no good and try to change himself.

OK, now back to the real world. Did I mention that I finished submitting three TMAs? I got my grades pretty soon after – 25/100 for Economics, 65 for Decision Making and 75 for Products & Processes. The day I got my Economics grade, I cried for a whole hour. C’mon I don’t fail in assignments, its the idiots who do that.

I guess that motivated me enough to do well for the other two assignments. While I can’t say 65 is all that great for marks, 75 definitely took the cake. One of the comments that the tutor made was “A very strong performance”. Little did he realise that he made my whole week.

One of the news that nearly blew me away was my credit card bill for the month of December. While the whole country decided to cut back on their spending during the festive season, DH and I splurged like there is no tomorrow - so much of expense and nothing to show for it.

To MBA or Not

This is a deep look within myself to find out whether I want to do this course or not, to find that ray of determination.

Why I Do I Want To Do This MBA?

- I have already paid up £6,250 towards the fees, so might as well complete the course. That’s the frugal me talking.
- The modules looked tough initially, but the odd month that I did concentrate on my lessons, I found it to be do-able. This is me trying to be intellectual.
- This is my last chance at being a post-graduate. Yes, I have this thing about being a post-graduate person. Graduation is the new kindergarten!! This is the Mallu in me that’s talking
- Once I have an MBA degree from Imperial and get a British passport next year, I could easily go back to Dubai and make pots of money there!! (No please, I do not see myself as a white person trapped in a brown body and faking the Brit accent!!)
- I would be the first person from both my father’s and mother’s side to have done a professional course abroad.
- I can have the satisfaction of having dreamed of studying well beyond my 30s and actually achieving that goal. This will give me a much needed sense of accomplishment.

Why Do I Not Want To Do This Course?

- I don’t want to fail in any of my exams. I have always been a class topper, a merit holder to be precise. And because I am finding the Economics and Statistics modules quite difficult I am nervous about sitting for an exam without being very well prepared.
- OK so I have paid up for four modules; but I still have to pay for the rest five by next year. Do I really want to spend more money when I do not know whether I have the balls to complete the entire course?
- Other than DH, no one really gives a damn whether I do this course or not.
- I am lazy and a procrastinator. I do not have the dedication to be serious about this course and complete it.
- There is a voice that asks me whether I am doing this for myself or whether I am doing it to show off to others (not that anyone actually gets impressed with a person who has done an MBA, but it definitely paves the way when it is from Imperial!!)
- I have been working for thirteen years now and have an impressive CV due to my tenure at two large multinational companies. Do I really need an MBA at this stage to perk up my CV?

Bottom Line: Some times you do things not because they sound logical or even right. You do it just because you want to. And I am going to do it only because I believe those three alphabets will give me some sort of self worth.

Review of August Goals and New One for Sept

Apart from being a sounding board for my thoughts this blog is also a place where I measure how far I have gone with my monthly goals. You can find the August goals here.

Exercise: The initial goal of going to the gym 5 days a week was way too unrealistic; I realise that now. So the idea this month is to just try and make it to the gym at least 15 days. Hopefully this is more accomplish-able. Also I need to remind myself that badminton too can be considered as exercise since we play for a good three hours every week.

Finance: Did not save anything much in August. And I can pinpoint it to the excessive shopping that we both did. Normally I'd wait for the sale season to do my shopping, but this month I guess I got too tempted. September should see us just spend on just food and necessities.

Cooking: In August we spent more money eating out than on buying grocery - this just stresses me up so much. I mean I am a good cook and can practically cook something from whatever we have available at home. So I have no excuse to why we ate out more; it was just me being lazy. I don't want to say that in September we won't eat out at all. But I would like to limit this to just the weekends.

Studies: A total wash-out. Did not even touch my books. In September the course starts in full swing and I was hoping to finish a few lessons during summer. This month the goal is to finish 8 lessons - 2 from each module.

Work: My new assignment was supposed to start in the second week of August. But due to all the hand-over I started my new job only from 1st September and I can already feel a change - I am more switched on and enthusiastic. So yeah, this should be a good month. I got my job title yesterday. I am the new Marketing and Demand Planning Manager of the Department. It beats me how I can move from being an Assistant Account Mgr to a Mktg & DP Mgr, but I am not going to question it and just take it as it comes. So far it has been good and I intend to keep it this way.

I am determined to stick to my goals and report a success by the first week of October.

Goals for August

When I was younger, the days were full of fun and went really slow. Now that I am older, the days are contemplative and go flying really fast. Can’t believe that it’s August already and 2008 is going really fast. It was New Year just the other day.

I am on a week’s vacation, am taking a few days off before I start my new assignment next week. Right now I am restless, my mind and body are restless. It is like finding oneself at the fag end of a time that one can possibly change oneself and if one does not take this opportunity right now, then it’s lost for eternity and one will remain the same old disorganised one.

And because I always try to think positive and do the right thing, it gets so difficult for me to address my negative emotions and thoughts. I hate to think that I can do wrong, behave incorrect or anything of that manner. I believe that by thinking of negative outcomes, in some ways you are telling the universe that you are ready to accept it. So I always brush up the bad with good thoughts. Let only good things happen to everyone everywhere.

On that note, I would like to set some goals for August and review it by the beginning of September.

Exercises: I believe I am quite OK with it, I might not necessarily be going to the gym regularly, but I am exercising every other day. But DH thinks that it is best that we go to the gym thrice during the week days too. Right now, we try and make it on the weekends and just once during the week days. DH’s point being that we are spending $108 a month on gym membership and it is high time that we took advantage of it. So this month, we both are planning to make it to the gym five days a week.

Finance: The credit crunch is in full swing and we have started to feel the pinch. We usually charge all our expenses on the credit card and our monthly expense has never been more than £800. For the month of July, however, we got a bill for £1,700. Of course some of it is from the expenses incurred due to mom and dad staying with us for a month. I have yet to work out, what our normal expenses were from that amount, but I am sure that our energy and gas charges have gone up. Saving is getting to be hard, especially because I want to set aside some money for my MBA modules for next year.

I am not really sure how we are going to squeeze out more from what we are earning right now, but DH says that we can try our hand at selling some of our good old stuff on e-bay. We have been talking about this forever and never got around to doing anything. This month, I guess, during my week off I am going to try and learn as much as possible on listing something there.

Cooking: This is the part where both being fit and finance plays a big role. We like to cook things from scratch and we usually manage to do it. But some times I run short of time and when this happens, I end up preparing some pre-cooked meals. Though I say this, I have done it just once - yesterday. Cooking from scratch takes time and buying pre-cooked meals takes money. So what’s the compromise that I am looking for? Well, I guess I can achieve some sort of balance by limiting pre-cooked meals to just once a week. Trouble is in finding the time to do my cooking, which now I have decided that on weekends I would cook for the whole week. And during this vacation week, I will cook in bulk as much as possible and freeze the dishes.

Studies: This to me is foremost on my list of priorities and I always manage to push it to the back. Because it does not involve both DH and me, I believe that it’s OK for me to give it less importance. But its not OK, I feel so spineless for letting my dreams go down the drains so slowly. Alright, a stop to negativity. The goal is to complete 5 units a month. That will give me enough time left to do two revisions before I sit for my exams in May 2009.

Work: I start my new assignment next week and I am so looking forward to it. Last Friday I realised that I need to distance myself from colleagues in my department who send off negative vibes. Not sure if they know it themselves, but then it is their problem and they need to sort it out. My problem is that I cannot get along with their attitude that says they know best in everything. Being away from them, I can do my work in peace. The new motto for work is: Mind my own business, be friendly to a reasonable extend, no sharing of personal news and be good at what I have to do.

PS: At work, I have also decided to be better myself at dressing up (this is for another post).

Zeroing In On Priorities

Today, after much retrospection, I completed the registration papers of my MBA course and have re-enrolled for the four modules – Managing People & Organizations, Managing Products & Processes, Economics in Business and Decision Making. Exams are next May and I want to ace the course!

I am going to concentrate only on two things for the next two years – my well being and MBA, ie exercising, meditation and studying. Three things which will make me feel that I am doing something with my life. There are days when I know that work does not make me feel complete anymore; there is a hollowness that cannot be described.

First, it was the quest to find love, and then it was to get a promotion and prove myself. The last two things are never ending, with each promotion and salary increase one is working on the next one and I don’t want that anymore…ok enough of work rant as I have done it in the last post.

I am not really sure whether this is mid-life crisis or whether this is me going through some warped phase in life. Whatever it is, I want to take advantage of it and look back at it as a phase that changed me in every which way.

Job, Studies and other stuff

Work wise things are a bit unsettled in our office (or rather home office). There is a major restructuring happening at the headoffice in Geneva and no one really knows how the UK department is going to be affected. Each and every action of ours is under scrutiny and it seems like the HQ wants to exercise more control on our day-to-day activities. Apart from the pressure on targets, they even seem to dictate terms on how much of time I should spend at my desk. Being a home office based staff, I decide on whether I need to go to the main office or not. Now it seems the HQ wants me to go to the main office once a week. Everything is a bit too vague at the moment and we shall soon come to know of our situation.

While work seems to be unsettled, I found out that I have been getting a higher pay check from March onwards. Not that I am complaining about it, but if there is ever an audit and the company finds out their mistake, I will surely be asked to reimburse the amount. And I really do not want to find myself in a fix then for not having informed the relevant people soon enough. Yesterday I managed to talk about it to my boss and she said to just brush it aside. OK, so I have done my good deed, now to hell with everyone else.

Yet again, I have received a mail from Imperial College asking me to register for the distance MBA modules for the coming year. Its been three years since I joined the course and shame on me that I have not managed to complete a single module till now. But this year, somehow, I am quite optimistic about completing four of the required nine modules to pass the course. The rest I am planning to do next year. Last year, believe me, I did study very hard for the exams, but only just a month before it was due. And I found the modules quite easy to learn. Now don't ask me why and my reasoning may sound quite feeble - but I did not sit for the exams as I thought it would be a better idea to ace the modules by preparing for it a whole year. I have always had a distinction in all my exams and don't want to do a course without being fully prepared for it.

House work is still going on. Our builder is really taking it easy. Now he even sleeps in our home as there is this excuse of starting work really early and working late into the night. Now that I think of it, its been nearly a month since this whole work on the house has started and all this while I have neither cleaned the house nor cooked a single day. Our home is covered in dust and I just freeze at the very thought of dust. A few days back I did contemplate moving into my sister-in-law's house till the house work got completed. But my loving husband was not too congenial to the idea and I had to drop it.

Well that's it from my side for the time being