Having One of Those Moments During My Exams

I have had very few hold-on-to-that-moment sorts of experiences. Yes having my son is foremost and then successfully manoeuvring M25, on a cold snowy January night two days after I landed in the UK, with DH who doesn’t drive! For those who don’t know M25 is a busy mother-of-a-motorway in the UK.

But it happened again, a few days back; well during my exams to be precise. I have been procrastinating this for so long; in fact I had almost given up hope of ever completing my MBA. Can you believe it? I couldn’t get myself to sit for the exams and I spent four long years pondering over it. I guess it was fear that stopped me – the fear of failure when you know that your husband’s ex-wife is an MBBS, MD, MRCPath and a PhD from Oxford there is very little that you can do to even come close to appearing intellectual to your husband. Not that it mattered to DH in any way, but being the super competitive bitch that I am, I made those mental connections a bit too early in our relationship.

I didn’t want to do what she did. My purpose of getting married to DH was not to come to the UK and pursue my studies. That’s what she did and I didn’t want to take the similar route. If you go through my previous posts you’ll see that I had many other silly hang ups that prevented me from continuing with my studies.

So what happened during those exams?? I lost my FEAR....yes that’s right...fear of failure and for once I felt so liberated as if I had gained some age old wisdom. In the greater scheme of things nothing other than my wishes matter. Who cares what ex-wife has done, who cares how she treated DH...right? As long as DH knows that I am not taking advantage of him and as long as I am pursuing my dreams....who cares what happened in the past?

I started enjoying my lessons and with just 24 hour gaps between each exam I felt so disappointed that I hadn’t let myself enjoy the course to its fullest. Damn I had wasted so much of time worrying!! Now that’s all in the past. I know I did well in those three modules and I have another six more to complete before I graduate. And now, I just know that I will do it...that I will complete this course and not just complete, I will pass with flying colours..........

This is the last of my posts about my course. I guess I have moaned about it a bit too much!!