Where I am now....

I really wanted to do an update post.  Fact is there is nothing much to update about.  Well nothing dramatic anyway.

To put things into a nutshell - no it is not working for us, we tried.  We hardly talk to each other now.  No we don't hate each other.  Yes we still live in the same house but have separate bedrooms.  Let's say we are cordial.  Where am I going to with this and what am I going to do?  I have no blooming clue.  Am I going to be stressed over it? NO.

So there goes the update.  In the meanwhile other things have been happening in life.  Nice stuff.  Once I understood the source of my expectations, wants and requirements, things seemed pretty simple.  I have been buying things like crazy - dresses and shoes.  Last year I was dead frugal, but this year I have decided to splurge.  I have a few girl friends and go out with them occasionally.  I no longer obsess over keeping the house neat and clean all the time.  It helps that I no longer think of this house as mine - I have let go of that.  I am just a paying guest now minus the paying.

I have started running again - 5K is very doable these days.  I am moving to a new assignment within the company.  The new position sounds really exciting - Plant Manager.  Yes I will be the person with the safety shoes and hat.  The office is located close to home and I will no longer require to work from home.  Just the thought of going to the office twice or thrice a week and dressing up for it thrills me.   For the first time I will be reporting to someone way younger than me (or at least he looks very young).  Did I mention that my immediate boss is extremely good looking?  Now before you think up of something - No I don't shit where I eat.  A lesson learnt a very long time back!

Is life looking good?  Where I came from and where I am at this very second - I believe so.

Maybe I might rant a bit in the next post.  I am just getting the hang of writing again.

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

The Drama Continues

I am loud, crass, crude and totally lack any social or diplomatic skills when I am angry or excited.  Both ends of my emotional spectrum.  If I don't get it out of my system,  the emotional build up would do me more harm than good.

I have been exercising like crazy and now I am beginning to see some abs and leg definition.  I have always liked seeing before and after snaps of people and thought it best to get a "before" picture taken before I truly lost oodles of weight (that wish looks like a reality at the moment).

So after a grueling 10kms on the elliptical and a 40mins weight exercise I asked DH whether he could take a picture of mine.  I wanted one taken in a two piece swimming costume.  DH was in the living room at the time. After he agreed, I went to my room (next to the living room) and changed into my costume.  Then I called out to DH informing him that I was ready.  No response.  I called out to DH again, this time a bit louder. Not a word, so I raised my volume again.  Remember I couldn't get out of my room 'cause my son was upstairs. I must have called DH four times before our Maharajah tells me that he is just shutting down his netbook and that I need not shout.  WTF.  All the high that I had had from the excitement just died down.  I had shouted because I wasn't getting a response from him.

So I just locked my room, changed into my house cloths and didn't let DH into my room despite his constant knocking.  After about two minutes I did open the door and he came in to apologize.  Frankly speaking I didn't pay any attention to what he was saying.  All that I could think of was "this bastard was just incapable of fulfilling even minor wishes of mine."  I was crying and he was trying to hug me.  Sensing a lack of response from my side, DH walked away.

For the next two days I went about doing my stuff and DH his. I slept in my room and DH in his bedroom.   After the two days, I went to him and said something casual, nothing major, to which DH said that I have some mental issues and that I need to sort it out first.

Coming from anyone else I would have taken it, but not from this man.  This guy, who actually relies on me completely for his financial security and who does not take on any responsibilities of a householder, how could he talk to me like this?  Even otherwise it is difficult for me to respect such a character and to think that I have such a person for a partner and that too one that I have chosen on my own - wow some people (like me) never ever learn in life.

Before we could get deep into the argument, I walked out of DH's bedroom.  I've had enough......

It has been five years since I requested him to clear his study room. Every birthday of mine, I would ask him for only one present – to clear this room. And till date it has never happened.

Now I believe five years is enough time for some one to clear-out a 10ft x 6ft space. But no, not where it concerns him; he needs to hang on to old bus passes, books which he bought in his fifth grade, love letters that his first girlfriend gave him and magazines that he purchased as a college student. Alright so I am not exactly the type of person who hangs on to the past, no make that I NEVER hang on to my past – past is something that I erase conveniently especially if it is no longer required for my present.

If past were just memories, I can understand that, but when past becomes clutter and that too clutter in MY house, I just cannot stand it. In fact clutter of any kind makes me go crazy. Yeah go on call me an OCD of some sort and I won’t deny it. What do you want me to do? Go to some shrink and moan that I can’t phantom living with my husband because he doesn’t keep the study room clean? HIS study room clean?

Now let’s just broaden the situation a bit more – when there’s video tapes and more video tapes in the living room (yes he is in the process of converting it all into DVDs!!), there’s books and paper cuttings in the kitchen and the guest cupboard gets converted to yet another storage unit – I tell you my blood just gets boiling.

I am sorry, but compromise in a marriage is acceptable only when one can remain sane with what’s required to be done. Every weekend as I dust and clean the house, I kill a part of myself. There are just too many things to be done and I am not allowed to do as I please.

Why can’t he be like my father? He left everything concerning the house to my mom? That was her territory and she did as she pleased........

Right Now

(Alert: Long, long post!!)

Let’s first get out of the way my reasons for a pause - Took a short trip to Dubai to be with my son and family, fell sick for a few days after my return and then got back into the grind of work.

A change has happened; a small change has happened in my life.

By now I guess the whole world has read the Power of Now (TPON) and I believe I am one of the last to get hold of this book. Because trying to be different and unique dominates my life in big way, I always stay away from trends, best sellers and in-things. Therefore “The Power of Now” was not really a book that I thought I would read in any case. A chance meeting with my ex-boss (who I adore by the way) in Dubai paved the way to this intention of at least buying the book. My ex-boss kept quoting from the book so many times during our brief two hour lunch that I just had to find out what it was all about.

On my way back from Dubai, with the flight delayed by more than two hours what else could I do but go to the book store and buy myself not only the Power of Now but a second book by its author “A New Earth”.

Now I have read too many self-help books this life time. Due to my interest in healing and such, I also read about light, water, crystals, tarot cards, angels, fairies and what not. And now at 37 the only thing that excites me about books is the font and the smell of the pages of a new book. Most of my decisions about buying a book depend on these two important criteria. Well for a change these two books ticketed my requirements.

Alright, now I must confess that I have just finished reading just 30 pages of TPON. If I ever take time to read a book, it means that I like what I read. It means that I read and reread each and every page much before I finish the entire book. And the small change that has come about in me is from reading these 30 pages. And before you start thinking, no this book is not a major revelation in life. It just says something that we have known all our lives. For the sake of keeping this post interesting I am not going to talk about this book. Google it and read more about it if you are interested. This post is about me and less about the review of this book.

So what happened? What happened is that I try and stop my mind from thinking. If you think it’s that easy, try not thinking anything for just one minute. I can guarantee you that just after a few seconds your mind will start talking to you and you will be either thinking of something that happened in the past or of something that you need to do in the future. Correct me and send me a comment if I am wrong. Anyway coming back to me, I am always lost in thoughts. I keep thinking of something or the other even if I am engaged in some work that requires intense concentration. I worry over anything and everything – family, son, work, money, house, job, status, studies, weight, clothes, looks etc. You name it and I will have something to moan about it. And frankly speaking I was getting fed up of it. Though this blog was meant to be a place where I could vent my feelings, it was all getting a bit too much. While I know that I give very less important to the little happiness in life and make a mountain of the silliest of matters, I had my mind working overtime on me. Every waking moment was made up of making plans for a future that may or may not happen!!

These days if I am engaged in some work and an unpleasant thought crosses my mind, I actually ask myself – “Do I need to think about it? Is this going to help me in any way? Will it change the way how things are right now?” If the answer is no to all the three, I shoo away my thoughts. I literally tell myself – OK Chinty stop thinking. Fact is that just by doing this I have somehow lifted myself out of my self inflicted depression. I have more energy left in me to do the things that matter to me. I definitely feel a lot happier. And because I think less, I tend to be less harsh on myself and enjoy more what I am doing at that point of time. In a way it is liberating to “not think” about my past or the future that I think I should work towards. I just go along with what I feel at that very second.

And the ultimate glory is the change that it has brought to my marriage. I feel so much better being with DH and I am ever so much in love with him. OK so I hate being all mushy and sentimental and making these filmy statements, but this how I feel right now!!

It Got Over

It got over...finally on Friday at exactly 18:55. I was, as usual, sitting with my laptop writing another post and DH came to the room and asked me “So aren’t we going to talk anymore?” and then we talked. We talked, we talked and we talked....

It was not the first of its kind and definitely not the last, but the ice was broken and it was easier for me to express myself without letting my emotions get the better of me. DH did not talk to me earlier as he had wanted us to cool things off before trying to sort out the issue. Anyway, the cold war got over and I am back to my normal self. As a couple who have gotten married a second time, we both carry a lot of emotional wounds and insecurities from our previous relationships and sometimes our expectations of how a relationship has to be are far higher than what we both are capable of giving each other.

It does not matter now about what we argued over or even how we solved it, for the time being we both are still together and tomorrow is another day.

This is Me..

This post has been prompted by a comment by Southways. I would like to thank her for being considerate....

I guess in my entire life, despite knowing me quite well, my mom has given me only two “adult” advises – never undress in front of your husband (I guess she was trying to tell me to never get completely naked in front of DH so that we women never lose our mystery factor) and NEVER talk bad about your husband to anyone else.

It is very natural for couples to bicker about things, but the moment the news gets out that’s when all the problems start. I have learnt it first hand in my first marriage. It is not in my nature to discuss my problems with others; yeah sure I do mention things here and there in a joking fashion stripped off all its seriousness, but never to the point of telling anyone everything. In my first marriage it was useless; even if I kept quiet the marks on my body were evidence enough of what was happening at home. I could see people make judgements even before I could say something. There was a set who would look at me like I was a big fool...”Why is this woman still with that guy?” and there were others who thought and even said that I must have done something really bad to my ex for having been hit in such horrific way.

Now if people ask me why I got divorced I get away with saying that we had irreconcilable differences (thank god for whoever coined that!!), but the fact is so far away from the truth.

With DH, I have a respect and a sort of love that borders on obsession and hopelessness. You see, he is the only one that I have got, he’s is the only one who knows me inside out and therefore the only one who can and is capable of hurting me with just his words. But I am just too stubborn and every time I try to be the pliable so-called good wife I am going against my nature and this is causing me too much of problems. I know it is fine for me to say anything about him, but if anyone else has to say anything, other than good about him, I would be highly upset.

So why bitch about DH on this blog? I guess I must have said it umpteem times before – this blog is the closest I will come to being truthful to myself and about myself. Deep, deep inside I am a melancholic person and no one other than DH knows this. I like silences, sad movies and dig a life trodden with troubles, only because I know that it will make me stronger and I will emerge a winner. A bit contradictory I guess, but that’s me...truly.

So SouthWays, you are right...relationships are complicated and for someone else to comment on it would be like throwing darts in the wind.

It Continues....

Last evening I came back from office with the sole determination that I would set myself right....today I was going to feel good. DH had left a few shirts on the bed that he wanted me to iron. So I took the lot and started ironing them. When DH came back he found me happily ironing the shirts. Seeing that I was busy with work and that too doing his work, he proceeded to leave me undisturbed and started munching on some snacks that we had at home. This is a ritual with DH just before we leave for the gym.

When I saw him munching, I asked him to give me something to snack too. I wanted cracker bread with some pate spread. I must have repeated my request at least three or four times. By this time I could feel my temper rising and I tried to hide it by trying to iron those shirts as hard as I could. Finally I just blurted out that I was doing his work so why couldn’t he do something for me in return. The reply was that he too would be tempted to snack along with me and he didn’t want to eat too much before going to the gym. All this is coming from a guy who was already munching just did not sound logical.

I did not say anything to this, just carried on with my ironing. But my poor sensitive heart could not take it, the tears just kept falling..some on to the shirt. My resolve drained off along with my tears. And when he asked me whether I was joining him to go the gym, I asked to go on his own. But there was more to my reply.....

“Fuck off, just fuck off from my life. What more should I do to get your affection? I leave behind everything important to me thinking that I would get that elusive love from you and I get nothing, nothing at all.....Just go, go away.”

DH didn’t wait to hear anything more, not that I added anything else, he just left. I sat there in our lounge with all the lights switched off, all alone for a long time and cried and cried. At first the crying was loud, hoping that somehow DH would hear it and walk into the house, put his arms around me and console me. And lo he did walk into the house, but that was just to take his wallet (He had forgotten to take it in the hurry). I kept silent during this time, didn’t want him to know that I was crying my guts out over the words we had just exchanged.

As soon as I heard the door close the second time, I set about on something new. No, I wasn’t going to take this anymore. I quickly stripped the mattress of our single seat futon and dragged it to my room, my study cum wardrobe room. Then I quickly made my “new” bed and locked my room. I am not really sure how long I must have lay there with my computer and that wonderful Tamil song, but at some point I must have dosed off. I know I woke up at 10 or so and could hear DH’s footsteps in the kitchen. A part of me wanted him to frantically search for me, make sure that I am alright, check whether I had my dinner....but none of that happened.

I woke up this morning and calmly dressed up to go to work. Despite using the same bathroom upstairs, we were lucky not to run into each other.

And my day continues........

PS: I never use the F word..never, ever...but I guess there is always a first time...

Damn, it won't go away

Today I tried to get over my wretched thoughts by doing some work or the other.

The only time that I am at peace with myself is when I am at work – there I am the Queen of all tasks, I am the maker of my destiny and I am at peace with myself. If I let myself go for a second and I mean even for a second, I can feel my eyes well up with tears and then there is no bringing me back to reality. If this is indeed some sort of clinical depression then I am surely going through the worst part of it.

There is an emptiness within me that gnaws at my every thought. I feel so hollow and I don’t think that I can put up with this feeling for long. I need to find some light somewhere and follow it, or else I will fall, will fall, will fall.........

It's Still There

I decided to vegetate for one whole day and I did. Saturday that was the day that I just never got out of my bed. I sulked, cursed everyone, dried up my hopeless thoughts and generally cried at just being born into a world that does not understand me. It was a heavy dose of depression and I tried to deal with it in the best possible way that I knew. The other option would have been to carry on with the day as usual and filled it up with routine which would have left me with very little time to think about anything. But no not this time. This time I wanted to acknowledge that there was indeed something wrong, that I do have a hollow part that nags at me.