New Year

For some people, no change that, for everyone New year starts on 1st Jan.  Not for me though.  For me, my New Year started on 1st Dec.  OK go on, ask me the obvious question - why?

2012 was a horrible year for me. 2013, despite the lows was much better.  2014, my friends, is MY year and 12 months of it is just not enough.  Also I moved to my new assignment at work today.  A new job, a new year and a fantastic me.  This is how I see it.  Surprisingly, and so unlike me, I have been in a very content space the past two months.  It is as if I have everything I need.  I have so much of stuff - clothes, shoes, makeup, bags (no, that does not make me stop from window shopping), I cook and eat such good food, DH & I - we are good with each other (and hopefully good for each other too!), my son, mom and brother are healthy and for once we have started accepting each other as we are (Not an easy thing I tell and it took us a long time to get here).

There is love, there is peace and above all there is Harmony.  Maybe that was missing before - HARMONY.  I mean, I wanted people to be this way and that way without ever looking at a middle ground, a half way through.  Happiness does exist there too.

I no longer feel poor (Sure I could do with a million dollar lottery win), I feel beautiful, healthy and wanted all the time.  Yes WANTED ALL THE TIME (DH deserves a lot of credit here).  Like relationships, feeling beautiful and healthy requires a lot of effort.  These days I look at myself in the mirror and am surprised at the pretty woman staring back at me.

I do not feel the need to blog.  This blog, I associate it with unhappiness, discontent and tears.  But today, this very second, I don't care.  Everything is perfect.  Perfect, not in a perfect way, but more like all the imperfections have a perfect fit.  Does that make any sense at all?

Totally off tangent now.  I had to stop my Japanese classes in November.  The weekly trips to SOAS was too much to squeeze in to an already busy schedule.  Rather unfortunate as I was really getting the hang of learning a foreign language.  Today at my new work place, I found out that they were giving Mandarin classes for a piddly fees.  And you bet your sweet ass I enrolled for it as soon as I saw the advert.  Classes begin in January and every Wednesdays, during lunch time I will attend these classes. When one door closes, another one opens - is all that I can say.

God / the universe is with me. Wait and watch me fly this year.

How was 2013 for you?  What are your plans for 2014?

The Q&As

Below are the comments from my post of 6th Feb.  My replies are in blue.

Anonymous said...

I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!

Reply: I saw Anonymous's comments just before getting into a meeting and her (I think it is a her) words kept resonating through out the day.  At this point even I don't understand why DH and I are together.  I am trying to figure out what to do - so let us park that question.  

I would like to believe that my son won't be influenced by what is happening in my current marriage.  If that was the case, I would have been heavily influenced by my parent's marriage - my mom was the docile one and would give in to everything that my Dad wanted.  Even though it was not a balanced equation, they loved each other like crazy till my Dad passed away.  He took care of all her needs while he was alive and even now when he is no more.  But their marriage, like all marriages was not perfect.  I have not thought deep whether their relationship with each other influenced me. I hope my son follows me in that regard at least. If there is anything that I am genuinely worried about is - whether my first marriage influenced my son?  I lived with someone who would hit people at the drop of a hat.  My son has seen his dad take his frustration out on me.  Compared to what he has seen earlier this is child's play for him.  Fact is that my son has seen me in two very terrible relationships and I should be doing better.  This I do not deny.

You would be surprised at the number of marriages that are not all about being "one" or even a team.  The married people I see around me (though they are hardly the best representatives) are glued together because they have kids together or the wife is taking care of the home for the husband, they have mutual investments or even mutual interests that allow them to participate in some activities together.  I do not have anything in common with DH.  

Talking about DH earning less - these days it is a known fact that women earn more than men.  But what pisses me off is the total lack of responsibility at home.  Why is that someone else has to take the responsibility of caring for and maintaining his house?  And what about responsibility in a relationship - spending a few minutes together talking about how each other's day went?  Every time I try to do it, I am treated like a pest - invading his space and time.  If DH wanted to be on his own - he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

You have given a lot of useful suggestion - fact is I have tried it, we have tried it - it does not work.  We are too different - personality and character wise and have lost the enthusiasm to want to be together.  We tried gluing the broken bits many a times.  

Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.

First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)

1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.  

Yes I am longing to have a house of my own - which I can keep neat and tidy and live in.  It cannot be in India, because mom is the only I have in India.  After her time (such an Indian way to put it), I don't see myself going to India ever.  If at all there is a place other than the UK that I think of as home, it is Dubai.  But that is not exactly a place people retire to.  But yes buying a property of my own is VERY much in the cards right now.  It may not be perfect - in location size or anything, but it will be mine and it will be sooner than expected and yes it will be in the UK.

2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....

I have tried sending out DH's CV to a few companies and such.  But the thing is there are only very few jobs that DH likes to do.  DH does not like to have too many responsibilities at work.  He says work is just a means to pay your bills.  I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to spend 10 hours of their daily life doing something they do not like.  DH does not like to go outside his comfort zone and complains that now it is too late for him to apply for jobs.  DH is 53 this year.

3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter? 

Love the question.  His study - I am not supposed to go there without DH.  DH actually locks the room before he goes for work everyday.  That does not mean there is stuff in there that I do not know of, its just that he is very scared that I would throw off some stuff and try to make it tidy.  I have assured DH many times, that I would only rearrange and reorganize and never scrap anything, but he doesn't believe me.  During one of our conversation DH said - my life is in there.  To which I said - No your life belongs here with me.  No reply after that.

4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with (She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times. 

Unfortunately I do not have friends I can discuss DH or my situation with.  In my first marriage, I discussed my problems with all and sundry and I realised pretty soon that one must keep one's problems to oneself.  I don't think I have ever put a burden on DH - never asked him to take me out anywhere or watch a Hindi movie with me or anything like that.  The maximum - I have asked him to buy me some fashion jewellery or something like that.  What is surprising is that DH does not have any friends.  I moved from Dubai to here and work from home, so I can get away with having no friends, but what is his excuse after living in this place for 30 odd years?  DH has many reading groups that he attends as part of his MA course, but none that he has made friends with on a close level.  I would say DH has acquaintances but no friends.  And none that have visited our house.

I do have a friend I met online and we went to watch Talaash together.  I absolutely loved it, just up my alley.  But she found it boring.  I like this friend a lot, though I haven't put in any effort to go out together much.  With my delicate emotional condition right now, I am scared that I might blurt it all out to her.  This friend is the one I am planning to go to Japan with.

All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.

Deepa

Hi Deepa - can I take a second to fangirl right now?  Love your comments - almost like having an elder sister. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.

Yes agreed - I am just as at fault.  But then again maybe it is not anyone's fault.  We have grown to be entirely different to what we both thought we were initially.  For me financial security is very very important, I cannot stress that enough.  But that is my quirk, due to my background, upbringing, values whatever. For DH it is moving forward in life without a plan, without any security.  

I have been alone before - for about 4 years before I met DH.  This was after DH1.  Have to say that I loved this period - just me and my son.

Anonymous said...

(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of dissatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.

That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.

Even I feel like crying when I think of my situation J And I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making more money so that I could buy another house.

Itn’t it more like I need to go?  I talked to DH yesterday and we both are quite unsure of how to steer this towards a happing ending (beginning?). We both understand our shortcomings.  DH – his inertia and me – my need for security.

Not sure if you have read my blog in detail – but I have seen it all and done it all, hence sex is farthest from my mind now.  These days a good hug and cuddle give me more satisfaction than the full fledged act.  Maybe I am getting old and it’s the small things that matter.   But yes, I get what you mean.  We all can get men anywhere to pleasure us.  Unfortunately for me – I still want it to happen with DH. 

Smitha said...

I have been reading your blog for some days now. First time commenting though.  Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story. Only some things are different. The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me, I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now. Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while?  Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change (like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.

You know Smita – I tried this accepting and zero expectation technique, but it is not working for me.  I get frustrated and feel it wrecks me emotionally?  Let’s say we will live till 60 years.  Does that mean for another 20 odd years, I have to turn a blind eye towards DH’s behaviour?  It is very difficult.  But I do admire your patience and resolve in accepting things you can’t change.

I love cleaning.  So it is not that I am tired of doing it and want some help in it.  I just want to know that once in a while DH will clean the house as well.  And also I don’t want him to clean anything, just give me company while I am cleaning the house and we could call that “sharing” house work J  Ah yes – I would also like the permission to clean his study, bedroom and bathroom – which are technically out of bounds for me to clean.  I have been requested that!

Sorry I wasn’t clear about this in my previous post.  I have never paid for any of DH’s MA course.  The three he did earlier were done much before we met.  Because DH knows that I have started saving money, the unsaid assumption was that I would pay for his current MA, which I flatly refused when we talked about it.  I have till date funded the house renovation and credit card debts, which is a sizeable amount.

I can renovate the house.  But this is a house that every time you repair something, something new comes up.  The house is from 1930s.   Also I hate the actual location of the house.  When DH’s parents bought the house, the place wasn’t so bad. But now with illegal immigration and recession, this place is so dirty and the people around are not so keen on keeping their neighbourhood clean.  Google “Southall” and you will see what I mean.  It is like having a village from Patiala dropped right in the middle of London.  And definitely does not subscribe to the multi-cultural environment that I thought London would be.

Part of the problem is this.  I want us to shift out to a better house, but DH cannot move fast enough to clear and organise his things.  Remember this house is the tomb of his memories and DH is very particular about memories. 

Glad to know that your parents are taking good care of your children.  My son lived with his grandparents (my parents) for a year before I could get the UK visa for him.  Though I have no complaints about my parents, I think my son got all that he wanted and would even take advantage of my parent’s kindness.  The best would be if you had your parents living with you, then it would be a great arrangement. 

Regarding DH talking to my son – this is something I have to step in and get DH to sort out.  Not that DH ignores my son or anything like that, there is no interaction.  That’s it.

I know that I am not alone in this situation, it happens in many families.  But if the women in these families can make it work out, why is it so tough for me?  Why can’t I have a flexible spine that can let go, have patience and accept things?  Why are my expectations so high?

Yes I need to take it a bit light in life and enjoy some time out with friends.  It’s just that daily life is so difficult these days and I tend to veg out during the weekends.  I have to change here.......

Things Are Never One Sided.....

And they are never black and white either...  Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.

1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that.  I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place.  And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.

2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things.  The only exception being books.  Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories.  If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums.  If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new.  I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories.  Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.

4.  I like white houses and black clothes.  I am opinionated, about everything.  I have strong likes and dislikes.

5. I cannot keep secrets.  If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it.  Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.

6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room.  I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room.  DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty.  But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.

7.  Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic.  Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.

8.  I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around.  But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.

9.  I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend.  But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house.   Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.

10. I talk loud and laugh even louder.  I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).

11.  I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)

12.  In DH, I crave an equal partner.  I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex.  A lot.  But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over.  I earn double DH's salary.  That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.

13.  In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request.  The study room was a store room.  With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like.  Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March.  I do not believe him and right now it does not matter.  Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.

14.  DH is studying for his 4th MA.  I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd.  He calls himself an intellectual.  And his calls me middle class.  I can live with it.  I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).

15.  DH rubbishes Bollywood.  I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad.  Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.

16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow.  I say BULLSHIT.  He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.

17.  DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society.  He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs.   He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.

18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house.  The house is in his name, given to him by his mom.  I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility?  I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.

Do you see a trend here?  I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise.  I say let it all roll out.

19.  In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it.  My son is the most docile person around.  DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son.  Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us.  Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal.  Buy a wife, get a son free.  You don't get a choice in the matter.  To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.

20.  For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse.  Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister.  I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time.  Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.

21.  I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it.  Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan.  Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.

22.  I am a bully.  I bully my son and I try to bully DH.  Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good.  My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off.  So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection.  My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in.  They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction.  Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then.  When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.

23.  Remember I try to bully DH.  It started with buy me something nice.  When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house.  I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to.  I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.

24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees.  Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.

25.  I wear a beautiful diamond ring.  It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me.  But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy.  Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring.  Then the significance of that ring pales.  I have also mentioned it to DH once.

26.  Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything.  I have a weakness for good bags and shoes.  But that is well under control.  So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it.  I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one.  I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.

27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011.  He was like my security bank deposit.  Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working.  But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything.  Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home.  Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby.  In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.

28.  Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other.  Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me.  There is a mutual interdependence.

29.  I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive.  DH had said we would share everything.  What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed.  The master bedroom is and has always housed his things.  Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.

30.  I love eating out.  Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house.  Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants.  In the past couple of years that desire has waned.  Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time?  Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.

31.  We went for therapy once.  I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument.  To hell with it, I said.  I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.

32.  DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship.  He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.

33.  DH cooks his own food.  Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt.  I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste.  DH goes running or to the gym daily.  For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame.  DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to.  Most women would fall for it.  I am not sure whether he knows this.  But who cares now.  I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.

34.  DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either.  I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to.  In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son.  I am also taller than DH these days.  I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.

35.  DH writes the most romantic letters.  Harlequin Desire series does not even come close.  Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles.  Yes I met him online - my bad.

36.  Yes everything looks grim now.  But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long.  I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.

37.  Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose.  I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.

38.  Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March.  Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage.  Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....

39.  OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.

40.  Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them).  In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy.  When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law.  She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there.  And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone.  Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet.  My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!!  And now it is my son's.

41.  How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it?  What the mind manifests the universe gives.

This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head.  I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments.  So would love to hear from you.

A Good Day

When you have nowhere to go, no one to talk to, no one to hug you and comfort you, you take solace in God. You get on your knees and beg that He gives you enough courage to get you through the day.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change certain things that are happening right now. At work, my boss needs to find out the direction that our department has to take. Without any real alignment with other teams, we cannot move forward and the solution to this is in my boss’s camp. I just need to take a deep breath till everything is sorted out.

DH, while there are so many things I would like to change about him, I do not want him to change just for me. For now, I am OK with this status quo and yes, I can live with the silence.

The things that I can change and have a control over are my health, my studies and my finances.

I woke up this morning at around 4:30 am with the firm decision that I would be happy and remain happy throughout the day. Did some stretching exercises, a bit of yoga and finished it off with meditation. Then I covered myself with purple light (I am an advanced Pranic Healer, it helps when I put my mind to it). Worked hard from 8:30 to 4:30pm – did not surf aimlessly and actually got some work done, not much, cleared around 180 emails. At 5 got on the elliptical and exercised for exactly 40 mins – burnt 270 calories, clocked 14kms – an all time high.

I worked from home today – so it was literally a no spend day. My wallet is happy. Dinner was just a mutton roll; hated every bite of it. Thought it was a good way of eating less, just eat what you don’t like.

A won all the badminton matches at school and has got selected to play at West London Level. Hope he does well. In Dubai he used to be a tennis player taking part in a lot of tournaments. Here I cannot afford to give him four hours of individual training daily. So it is a blessing that A has found another game just as interesting.

It has been a good day – thank you God.

I still miss Daddy though and I think I did not grieve enough back in July when he passed away. It‘s all coming back to me now. Why did it take so long for me to realise that I love him like crazy?

Lost

Dad left us four months and eight days back. It is funny how when someone goes away (Mom says she cannot use “passed away” for Dad and we both agreed that for us he has just gone away), you spend the first few months thinking of them each and every second and there after you try not to think about them lest it makes you all teary eyed and sad. Just short of their memories, we try to erase everything about them. Two weeks after Dad went away, Mom gave away all his clothes and watches. After a few months Mom will transfer all joint properties to her name. The name of the very person who worked hard for it has to be erased. How I hate it.


But what I hate most and find damn unacceptable is that being a girl I couldn’t be part of his cremation ceremony. Which Hindu book says that? My Dad loved me the most – I know it and he has always said it. Then how come my brother and my son got the privilege of sending him away. I had secretly though of saving up a bone or something like that from the final ashes. But those Nair people surrounding us were like hawks – they did not leave anything behind. And now I know that Dad will never come back.

I feel lost these days. I could bitch about my work with Dad and he would always, always tell me – Throw everything away, pack your bags and just come home, I will take care of you. My mom is more practical, she would never say stuff like that even just to pacify someone.

Daddy, if you are somewhere seeing all this, I just want to say this – I miss you so much and just wish you would come back, I don’t want you to be gone away.

My Daddy Is No More - Part 1

There is a fan buzzing in the back ground. It gives you the sort of buzz which one gets only from an Indian fan. Mom is lying on the diwan and trying to get some sleep. She has been crying non-stop for a few days, so I let it be. Its only 2:00pm. A is in the only bedroom downstairs. He is learning maths. And me...well I am sitting by the dining table trying to figure out what the hell hit us....hit us this past two weeks.


When God gives with one had he takes with the other. He gave me back my son in June and took my father away in July. Daddy (yes even at the age of 40 I still call him that – no short cuts – no dad or pop for me) left us on Sunday 17th of July at around 3:45pm – they said it was pancreatic haemorrhage. It was sudden they claimed, like it was lucky that he dropped down dead instead of being in a coma for the rest of his life. Death is no choice and one can’t select the way one goes. Yes, my dad was lucky – he was in ICU for only a day.

First I was angry – how could He go like this? Without letting me say goodbye? Without saying something to me? Then I was angry with God – why should a perfectly healthy man of 69 die so suddenly when there were five older siblings around?

I saw Him – his body was wrapped in a white cotton-like cloth, till his chest. They had tied the lower part of his face to the upper with another piece of cloth, so that his jaw doesn’t drop down. His spectacle was still on. He looked alive to me. No they said, he is in an ice box – can’t you see? Why is he in an ice box and why are these people all around him? They said within two hours it would be time for the last rites and they needed to thaw his body. They took his body out of the ice box and lay him on the floor. People went around his body like he was some sort of God there. No he isn’t your God, he is my father. You don’t have a right over him, only I do. But nothing seemed to be coming out of my mouth. There was snot all over my face and tears streaming down.

I didn’t ask for anyone’s permission. I sat down next to him. I touched his forehead. It was cold, like how my face would feel on a cold English night. I kissed his forehead, stroked the sides of his cheeks, he wasn’t getting up. Why Daddy, why don’t you wake up? When I was very very small, I remember touching your ear lobe and you slapped me hard. Mummy later told me that your ear lobes were your most sensitive parts and you hated anyone touching it. So I reached out and touched your right lobe with my hand. I was scared. I expected you to slap me again. I would have been happy. But you didn’t and I could feel hot streams of tears welling up yet again. I couldn’t breathe; the pain was just too much. I put my arms around you and hugged you. I called out to you. But you still lay there. Someone came to me and said – Chinty you have to be strong, if you cry like this what will happen to your Mummy.

Yes mummy, I had forgotten about her. What are you supposed to do in this situation – watch the dead or cater to the grieving? Mummy is still in her bed, cursing her luck, wondering what to do with her life without her companion of forty one years. I go to the bedroom and sit by the bed, close to her and I hug her too – really tight this time. We cry together knowing deep inside that our tears are not going to bring him back. I long to be with her and comfort her, but I can’t. I need to be with my daddy, I have just one more hour with him and then they will take him away; away from me forever.

I am back with my Daddy in the living room. These people are still around him. Why can’t they just leave me alone with my Daddy? I need to say my goodbyes.......

I Don't Get It

Growing up in Dubai, my only exposure to Kerala was during the annual vacations. My maternal side of the family are pretty friendly people and my brother and I used to hang out with my cousins. Everyone lived in the “Tharavaddu” and I have some good memories of my annual vacations in Alwaye.

When I completed my 10th grade, my dad had this sudden bolt of idea that I should get back to my roots and I was sent off to Kerala to do my pre-degree (yeah 11th and 12th standards used to be called that many moons back). I lived with my grandparents and extended family in the Tharavaddu. That experience was great and I enjoyed the freedom thoroughly. On the downside I left my parents for good at the age of sixteen and have never lived with them again for long periods. In Kerala, for two years I had a ball of a time after which I shifted to Manipal.

So you can see that I had pretty good interaction with my cousins. But the nagging factor was always that my parents would send me money every month for my expenses, whereas my cousins being the young kids they were at the time had to rely solely on my uncle for cash. So if we ever used to go for shopping, I would always make it a point to buy them something too. Thinking back, I know that I was quite instrumental in them developing a complex – like I am some high and mighty person who could buy anything. But I was just trying to do whatever I could to keep them happy. Who likes to go for shopping with someone and just end up watching that someone do all the shopping?

Anyway after I left for Manipal, things soured between my parents and my uncle over some real petty issue. My uncle left the Tharavaddu and set up home a few kilometres away from my grandparents’ house. My uncle still kept in touch with my grandparents but my parents never talked to my uncle. Even I was warned not to talk to my uncle or his family again. When my uncle was on his deathbed, it was just my mom who went to see him. Funnily though my dad had wanted to go, but my mom convinced my dad that it would not be right to do so. I can’t understand the psyche of people when they carry a grudge even when their loved ones are dying.

In the coming years I got married, had a kid, got divorced and my parents kept all of this a secret from the entire family in Kerala. Now Kerala is not all that far from Dubai which is literally infested with Malayalis; so it was not long before stories of my single life started making rounds in my small village. “People” were saying that I was living with someone else, that I had an affair etc etc. By this time my parents retired and shifted back to Kerala. During one of my vacations, my mom told me that it was my cousin who was going around and spreading rumours. Frankly I didn’t care. I have an out-of-sight-out-of-mind attitude.

Last month, my mom called to say that my aunt and cousins have ironed out all their differences with my parents. Alright, good – you got your way. Now what? Just to make the familial bond stronger my mom wants me to phone up Kerala and talk to my cousins. Hey hang on there – Did I hear you right? After almost 15 years you want me to call up my cousins and talk to them? Yeah, you know their number. But what do I talk about? I just don’t know what to say? Didn’t you tell me that they bitched a lot about me? Mom – oh that’s all in the past, forget it. Yeah sure, so I call and just start talking about the weather? No, no ask them how they are. How they are? How they are? Why didn’t I ask them that even once in the past 15 years?

Really, I don’t understand family politics, especially the ones between siblings over money or family status or pride. I am glad that my brother is the way he is – we fight like cats and dogs but we love each other just as much. It doesn’t matter who earns how much, end of the day if I have any problems I know that my brother will be my support and help me. No amount of stories or gossip from others can change that.

PS: I am not sure how to begin this conversation on the phone with my cousin and because he is getting married in a couple of days, I have been asked to call him up real quick. I feel so stuck....

Do I Cook?

Have you ever been told something over and over again that finally you begin to believe that about yourself?

In my case it has always been about my cooking. I did a degree in Hotel management and my folks always thought that I would one day become a waiter or a receptionist. (Before I did the course, my parents had never heard of something called Hotel Management!) Of course my aversion to dust meant that I would never ever be a house keeper and becoming a chef was simply out of question – Chinty can never cook, she has never cooked and never will.
C’mon when you leave your family at the age of sixteen, which I guess is the time that girls become interested in cooking, I was pursuing other interests, one of which was to join the Indian Army. Cooking had no place in the whole scheme of things.

Fast forward to my life in college and I was one of the students who got the whole kitchen burnt down by over-heating a wok full of oil...well almost From then on, my professor used my table only for demo purposes. Better not to let Chinty to do any work and what better way than to make her stand to the side during all the practical sessions.

So you see, I grew up with the belief that I was bad at cooking. I guess once when I was married, I prepared a dish for my parents and they scoffed at it, not because it didn’t taste good but because it was purple colour. What do you expect when you cook beetroot I wanted to ask them...but didn’t. This belief of being a bad, bad cook stuck with me for a long time. I would never ever volunteer to entertain any guests at home and even if I did food was always from a restaurant outside.

I moved to the UK in Jan 2007 and that is when I started cooking or at least started taking an interest in trying to cook. First it was more out of wanting to be frugal. Then somewhere along the line it was because I wanted to have a healthy diet. But more importantly it was because I was now married to a man who no longer made fun of my cooking and rather enjoyed having the dishes I made. In the beginning I thought it quite flattering that there was someone who liked my cooking and the more I made, the more DH praised it. Initially I could never have any of the non-veg dishes that I prepared. Phew, I cut that chicken and I know how it looked, how can I eat it when it is cooked? I got over that hesitation too. These days, I see my dishes and smell that wonderful aroma and I know that I have come a long way from what I was before. My dishes are to die for; yes I can vouch for that. They are tasty, succulent and absolutely heavenly.

I have no set way of cooking. If I eat something in the staff canteen or even at a restaurant and I like it then I would come back home and try to cook the same dish. At times what I prepare turns out to be better than the real thing. I love to cook Kerala dishes, but DH is not so much into it. I have slowly progressed into continental cooking too and I not so bad in that either.

OK Dad and Mom, eat your hearts out – I am a good cook, indeed a good one. Pity that you do not know this about me....not yet anyway.