Something Has To Go

Today I come with a minor news.  A couple of month's back I did not get a promotion that I had thought I rightfully deserved.  Read about that fiasco here and here. In our next 1:1 meeting, I had told my boss that we should align and document an action plan for a promotion next year.

But ever since the idea of becoming a doctor entered my mind, I have been busy studying for the various qualifying tests.

So life was looking pretty rosy - it didn't matter how the job was going 'cause I needed more time for my studies. There was Japanese and A-level science to catch up.  Studying Physics, Chemistry and Biology had  a new meaning.

Then came yesterday.  I was called to inform that I would be given a promotion if I performed well in a new assignment.  The new assignment would be for a period of eight months, handling two toughest categories in my company.  If at the end of it I were to get positive reviews from management, then the promotion is a guarantee.  And before anyone asks, no I did not have a choice.  The person handling these two categories was going on an adoption leave and they needed an experienced person to step in.  To top it all, my current role has been put on the website for internal applicants.

So let's rewind and breakdown this information.  I have a new assignment for 8 months.  If I do it well, I get a promotion and then I have to search internally within the company for a new role.  Even if I don't get a promotion, I have to leave the assignment and search for a new role within the company after 8 months.  Why? Because in my company people have to change assignments every three years and by Jan 14, I would have completed fours years in similar assignments.

Today was the formal announcement.  Some people congratulated me and others actually commented "Oh Poor You...."  Personally, I don't know what to make of it.

With this new work responsibility, I won't have time for things that really matter to me - studying and exercising. I will be travelling a lot and I mean a lot, will be handling twice the number of projects that I am handling currently and be dead strapped for time.

All this point to just one question - "What about my dreams of becoming a doctor?" Reality has not yet sunk in because I will takeover the role only next Monday.

What do you guys think?  An opportunity knocking or a hurdle in disguise?

God Is Tickling Me

So I return from Brussels with the bad news on my promotion and I cry my guts out. 

Goes without saying that I had a tough time sleeping; so what do I do?  At 1:00 in the morning I go through a recruitment site and for the first time in my life – I actively check out the jobs there for me to apply and I send out my CV.

On Saturday, I did not even bother going for my Japanese class.  I looked terrible with my puffy eyes from crying and blocked nose.  At about 9:00 in the morning I get an email from this recruitment agency – saying they were interested in my CV.  They phoned me up, sent me a company application form (the company I had applied for) and they sounded damn impressed with my 14 years experience in FMCG and an MBA (believe me I never thought this MBA would do me any good).  The salary for this position is 1.5 times what I am earning plus take this....A CAR!!!!

Now remember this, I have changed jobs only twice in my life.  And have been with my current company for 14 years, so I don’t even know what an interview is.  I have not harboured any interest in changing companies or looking for better opportunity elsewhere.  I am not sure how to handle this.  Just going to say yes to everything at this point, yes – I will go for an interview if called, yes – I will scout around for better opportunities.

Look at the irony of the whole situation – just when I thought my career was going down the drains, I get interests from companies, for a better package.  God is indeed great...... I may / may not join another company, but I do know that I am not utterly useless.

Double Whammy

Just got back from Brussels.

What started as a nice day at work turned out so bad.  I had my 1:1 review with my boss.

The promotion which I thought was due this year, well apparently it seems I am not ready for it.

I am good at 4 Es - Empower, Enable, Energize and Engage but lack Envision.  And to rub salt on the wound, I get a 4.85% salary increase - surely it must be a joke.  But my boss said no - that's the highest she could give in the UK.  My boss was very sweet in breaking out the news to me, so its not like she was being terrible or anything like that.  She is a nice woman and a great boss.

Now let's be objective and look at this - failure as a mother, a wife (twice over) and now in career as well.  42 years - what the fuck did I achieve?  So yeah, maybe I don't have this "Envision"....I don't know whether I am coming or going or just stationary.

I did something new today.  I came home, hugged my son and cried.......

(Now before someone says I shouldn't have done it and that it makes me a bad mother, I know it... but I just needed to hug someone and cry, someone who LOVES me)

New Year New Beginnings

I am at the second phase in my career now. I have always been in sales, marketing and finally demand planning. Now I will be in manufacturing and it scares the hell out of me. It is such a drastic and exciting shift that I can’t believe I had the balls to make this move. Even after applying for the new job, I had no clue what exactly the job was about. All I knew and wanted to know was that because I could understand a word about the job responsibility, it would be a major challenge for me and that I would learn a whole lot.

The to-be new boss has a completely different way of working – no micro management, no requirement to be put in cc of every mail and the best of all doesn’t really care whether I work from home or the office. While I do have to keep him informed of my travel schedule and major issues I do not have to get his permission to do everything. This alone makes the job so interesting. To be free from corporate chains.

These Days

From September 12th onwards I have been leading the boring, normal life. Yes, I too have joined the bandwagon. Wake up by 6, leave home by 7, work till 4, come back home at 5, have dinner and sit in front of the TV till it’s time to go to bed.

Mom phoned up once asking me why I hadn’t called up home the entire week. What do I tell her? That I have been busy living? My son tells me that I have stopped calling him daily. Did I even notice that?

This is what happens when you get so involved in busy but interesting work after vegetating for almost a year. My ex-boss had told me that I am the type of person who would never be happy doing just one type of work. My output has to be both creative and analytical. And I am so glad to have listened to her advice. My current position helps me to do all that I am good at.

So despite the so called boring life (as I call it), I am so much happier and get home each day with a sense of accomplishment.

Upset

There is this person (a young guy to be precise) in my department who is leaving soon. Let me call this person J.

It is J's job that I am taking over and along with the tasks that he used to do, I have been asked to do quite a few more. When my boss added these new responsibilities I had no idea why she wanted extra work out of me.

Now I like J a lot - he is the only unbiased person in the department and I always go to him with my sob stories and moans. He is the only one I could truly talk to knowing fully well that he would keep our conversations confidential and not back bite.

Today on the way to Kettring (for work) we had a frank chat about why he was leaving and for once I was listening to his moans. Some where along the chat we started talking about salaries and we both realised that I was earning way above him. In my last position I know that I had lesser work than him and yet my salary was higher.

Now I am no saint and don't go fighting for causes unless I know that I can benefit from it. So when I realised that J was earning lesser than me, I just felt so sad. If I was earning lesser than J, I would have taken up the issue with the Big Boss and now that J has already given his resignation letter, he does not want to talk anything about his less pay to Big Boss. Ofcourse now I know why Big B wants to add some extra responsibilities on me....but more than that I am irritated with myself that I let J know that I was earning more than him.

What upsets me is that why a billion dollar multi-national company cannot remunerate people according to the amount and quality of work that they do? Life is so unfair...

I am brought down to Earth

C: DH, DH see what I got from Bournemouth? XYZ skincare range

DH: Never heard of it

C: You know it costs £95 a piece at Harrods and I got it all for just £2 a piece.

DH: Really?

C: Yeah, why don’t you try the Moisturiser with SPF?

DH: Great

C: Lucky you….you get to use such expensive stuff because of me.

DH: With Sarcasm dripping….Hey you telling me that you would have actually gone close to a 95 pound cream if you had seen it in a shop? My dear the value of this cream is £2.00 and that’s precisely the reason why you bought it!!

C sulks….so much for people being grateful…

No really, I am a middle-class person with a very middle-class mentality. Fortunately or unfortunately God saw it fit that I work in the luxury fragrances / cosmetics industry. So, despite all my middle-class hang ups, at work I am supposed to dress up classy, smell uber nice and wear expensive stuff. Till around two years back my company did provide me with many designer items free of charge and it was easy to fool people, including myself. Even now, I am eligible to go to any duty free shops in the UK and buy things for half the price. While I don’t believe that anyone should spend such exorbitant money on fashion or fragrance, I somehow believe that I am owed all these.

And now I am a hypocrite. That’s right a hypocrite and a big one at that. Oh no..not for me this cheap item. Oh what would people say if they see this on me? etc etc.

DH constantly tries to keep me in check, bless him. He tells me that I am in this mirage and it would all shatter one day. If I move on to the mass-market industry (which is a natural transition for people in my department), I would lose all my perks and find that I don’t fit in the real world anymore. That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it would be heartbreaking for me to get back into being normal and ordinary.

Verdict: as DH puts it - Enjoy it while it lasts, but don’t get used to it. Today it is XYZ skincare, tomorrow be prepared to use Boots house brand if need be. Amen to that.

Now that's a Bargain...

You drive for a meeting all the way to Bournemouth which is where your company warehouse is located.

After lunch time you decide to visit the staff shop. Everything that your company manufactures is selling for a pound or two. Then you notice this whole range of skincare on the shelf. You know it is a good brand and a lot of South East Asians rave about, but have never tried it yourself.

And because the entire range is selling only for a pound or two at the maximum, you buy two pieces of everything, I mean the works - cleansers, moisturisers, de-wrinkle essence, advance protect essence and what not...

Then you come home and just out of curiosity, go online to check the actual price of the product.

OK this calls for grand announcement and blowing of bugles:

In the UK, this particular brand is available only at Harrods ........and guess what...each piece costs nothing less than £95.

Wahahahaha.....I am sat on the floor now with skincare products worth £1500 strewn all around me.

Now how's that for a bargain????

I am the way I am…

Call me whatever you like – ass-licker, spineless, insecure whatever, but it is very important for me to be in the good books of my boss. No, I do not say yes when I mean no and I certainly do not keep my mouth shut when I am required to give my opinion. So where does the spineless bit come in?

Well, I work like a dog and do not ask for much in return (neither a promotion, nor a salary hike). I can complain till the cows come home, but with age have come to realise that if something is due to you, you need not make a big hoo haa in order to get it. DH says that only a crying baby gets milk (I think that’s a direct translation from a Malayalam saying).

It is also quite vital that I have a boss that I can look up to. She should be a go-getter, a pusher and an aggressive bitch. She should be everything that I am not….
Unfortunately in my current job, my boss is a much liked nice lady. And that depresses me so much ‘cause my role model is not docile at all.
I am now in a transitional stage at work, am moving from account management to demand and promotional planning. And while I did not have the time to prove myself at the last position, I am keeping my fingers crossed that the new one will be better than the last.

I believe God (yes, yes, yes I believe in him / her) gives everyone a quota – to eat, drink, sleep, sleep around, work, be arrogant, active etc and if you finish your quota at the initial stages of your life you do not have much left towards the end of it. So here I am after having been arrogant, stubborn and impatient during all my adult life, now I can just sit back and see things go by, even my ambitions…

No, nothing really pisses me off, I am way beyond that now….

PS: I am at work now and sitting directly opposite my boss. And while we both have our laptops in front of us, she is working hard and I am hardly working (actually writing a post for my blog!). …Maybe that’s why she is the boss and I am not…

How Can You Be So Dumb?

When you get a call from the courier company and you cannot think of anyone who would send you a package, what’s the first question that you should ask – Who is the package from? You don’t tell the courier company – No I am not expecting anything; return it to the sender.

Well that’s just what my colleague at work did. Is this a British way? Or just that she is thick? Or even a way of saying no I don’t want any extra work? Can’t decide.

OK so you had a dumb moment, but please do not make me feel guilty for not having informed you earlier about sending you a courier….We all have something in our upper storey that needs to be used every now and then.

Wait till she sends me her annual work feedback form…..

Shopping Trip

At work, most of the girls dress up like they have got good bargains from Primark or Next or even at the latest sale at Debenhams. And I truly envy women who can dress up well at the least of cost. While I do like some of the stuff that I see in these stores, I am so worried sick that I would go to a meeting and find someone else wearing the very same stuff. So I stick to my tried and tested shops like Banana Republic and Hobbs. Oh by the way, I like stuff at Marks & Spenser as well. DH says that I have a granny sense of dressing while I say that I love the conservative classical sense of dressing.

Now I home-based and dressing up does not worry me much as most of the time I work in my pyjamas. But all this will change when I start my new assignment and be office-based from first September onwards.

So last week, DH and I went on our quarterly shopping trip. DH was lucky enough to get all the stuff he wanted right at the beginning, while the choosy finicky me did not get anything all. DH knows pretty well that if we return home without buying anything for me then all hell would break lose. So before starting our next leg of shopping tour we decided to take a break for coffee and snacks at a nearby restaurant. We sat down and half way through my yummy ham and cheese pannini I spotted TK Maxx right next door. I have heard so much about this place where you can get branded stuff at a bargain, but have never been to any of their shops.

For that matter I have been to very few shops here in the UK. After Dubai and all their huge shopping malls, shops in the UK are like small tea stalls, a fact that I have not yet reconciled to. Anyway TK Maxx at Ealing looks like a fish market, much the types of Primark. Clothes were stacked on the racks with no space to take a look at the individual pieces. The changing rooms are full and the queue too long. Clothes all over the floor, hmmm a pity state I must say. But despite all these, I kept a sharp eye on things that I might find. Needless to say that after an hour of ramming through racks and racks of clothes I managed to find myself three tops. The best part of this bargain is that they are not your usual run-of-the-mill tops, but quite unique designs and if I were to wear these to the office, people ARE going to notice me.

DH and I returned home happy bunnies..

Moan

I need to talk to someone, just anyone will do. The things that happen at office in the name of politics is no joke.

It’s always that I am either being criticized for doing something or for not doing anything at all. I just don’t get it. Why can’t people just put aside their pride at home before coming for work and if you do have a problem with it, why not try to be discreet about it?

I am getting fed up of the games people play and me having to try and please everyone. I can’t, just can’t, not anymore. I know I am not making any sense without getting into the specifics. But that’s hardly the point, but today S just asked me why I was getting defensive at times. I mean, I didn’t start this conversation and I was actually trying to be helpful and instead this is what I have to hear.

I try to keep office matters in the office and when I come back home, I want to do stuff which are more important to me. But petty naggings like these crop up and my whole evening gets spoilt.

Cars and Agony

I was brought up in Dubai and lived there for 33 years. People generally have this idea that in Dubai money falls off the trees. It’s a different matter that you don’t get to see many trees in Dubai. Well the point is that my parents were pretty structured and organized with their finances and from a very young age I have seen my parents do things together. My Dad’s one passion was cars and though he earned well, I don’t ever remember him buying a new car. He used to change his car every two years and it always used to be a second hand one.

So now you can see that my background is one where I don’t hold much value to the car I own, other than it being an automobile which takes me from point A to point B. Back in Dubai, I had a Chrysler Neon first, then a Mazda 6 and finally the frugal me ended up with a Skoda Fabia. But here in London, for the first time, I got the chance to select a car from a huge list. You see my company provides me with a company car because I am field based and since I have a contract that specifies I work from home, I get paid for pretty much all the mileage accumulated due to business trips.

For my personal use, I have the fantastic Transport for London (for layman that means the tubes and buses). This worked out ideal for me as I did not have to put in a penny from my pocket towards gas.

Last week, I accepted a position that requires me to be based at office. So while I negotiated keeping the car which I already have, (office based staff do not get a car) I could not get my company to reimburse the gas expenses of to and fro daily trips to the office.

So what’s my point here? Last October, I was asked by the company to buy a car, they were tired of getting me leased vehicles. When I had lease vehicles, I was lucky enough to get a VW Golf and then a Vauxhall Astra. But when it came down to buying my own car, the company gave me such a huge selection that it was mind boggling. I took six months to decide on a car. And what did I do? I went ahead and selected the most expensive diesel guzzling car I could find (within the restraints of what's permitted at my level in the company), after all the company was paying for both the car and the diesel. Little did I know then that I would move on to a job that would require me to use the car extensively and that too at my own expense.

Now, here I am. Today I accepted delivery of a beautiful white Volvo S40 completely automatic. As I signed for the delivery, I just could not believe that here I am an insignificant middle-class woman driving such a beautiful car. But all that humility evaporated the moment I sat in the driver’s seat. Hell I will now have to chip in approx £10 towards gas every day.

At Work Yesterday

I goof up at work so often that now it has started to bother even me (before it was just my boss!!). Apparently all of this is happening because I don’t think of myself as the person in charge - that’s a diplomatic way of saying that I am not assertive enough to function as a manager.

Despite being so arrogant about my work, I have started to doubt my capabilities these past few days. Not everyone can be a smart and intelligent worker and as for me, I consider myself as a hard worker (that just means that I work like a dog!!). So while I do not play politics nor back bite or bitch about my colleagues, I would like my team to know me as a person who is just interested in doing her work and will do that work to the best of her ability.

The past few months, I have not been performing well at all and I am so aware of it. There are things that I miss and I am reminded of these by Big Boss and S and I end up asking myself “Oh! Why didn’t I think of that first?” When these sort of things happen I feel like a complete fool and just cannot accept the fact that I have a lot to learn in my current position.

Yesterday my job was to merchandise a new store and I believe I did a good job of it. So I took some pictures and sent it to BB and S. Now I have a deal with Big Boss – that if she felt that my work was not good enough at any point of time, she had complete liberty to talk to me about it. I like to keep all my lines of communication with my boss open.

So while I thought I had done the work to the best of what I could do BB and S provided me with a whole list of constructive criticisms on it. And each and everything that they said was true. Of course at the face of it I took their comments in the right spirit, deep down I was devastated and this whole episode has put a dent on my confidence. Now I have to buck myself up again and psyche myself into believing “Yes, I can do it, yes I am the best”.

But how long can I fool myself. I am getting older and with that I am more aware of my strengths and limitations. I cannot be this aggressive pushy manager, no I just cannot. I am just your average joe, woman-next door. She works, runs her house, wants to see her family happy and bring some money to supplement the household income. I am ambitious, yet not to the point that my whole life is geared up to just progress at work place.

So yeah I am so looking forward to giving up the Asst Account Manager’s position and moving on to the Promotions and Demand Planning post.

Decision Making Time

OK so do I want to be an Account Manager or a Promotions & Demand Planner? Apparently, the second position could also be called a Commercial Manager. I guess this was one of the toughest decisions that I have had to take, others being whether I should get married a second time and whether I should give up the custody of my son to my ex-husband. Those stories, I leave for another post.

First, I called up DR, my ex-boss – to me she is my guide and spiritual friend and I shall always value her opinions. Then came my best friend MK – she knows me inside out and knows what keeps me happy. Finally I talked to RA – a person who has similar career path as mine in the company and is not based in Australia.

All of them and I mean each and every one of them asked me to take up the demand planning job without batting an eyelid. I was told that along with number crunching, I needed a creative outlet as well. My only problem with the second position was that it was an office based position and one that did not entitle me to having a company car. Anyway, after a bit of negotiations with Big Boss, it was all agreed – I get to keep the car and do an 8-4 office shift.

Conference

Monday morning was hectic. I had a conference to attend at 8:00 in the morning and even at 6:30 my packing was yet to be done. Then there was the trouble of finding exactly where the hotel was located. As expected, I got lost and in the end got to follow one of my colleagues’ orange coloured car that I managed to spot.

Conference went well. On the first day, I was dressed in cream colour dreamy top and black trousers. I am a conservative dresser, and I guess I just blended in with the 57 people who were there. Nothing much that stands out for the first day other than that I smoked quite a lot and drank more than two glasses (of hard liquor). The only highlight that I can think of is Big Boss announcing my transfer as the Account Manager of the smaller 5 clients. A few people congratulated me, others gave me the knowing smile that they knew I was not happy with this transfer. And I had this permanent semi smile plastered on my face.

The next day, my dear friend and colleague JM decides to tell Big Boss that he wants to leave the company as he has secured a seat at a journalism course. Now JM holds a pretty important position in the department and goes to Europe to network all the time. And guess what, Big Boss asks me first whether I would like to take up that position and gives me exactly two days to think about it!!

Did Not Work At All

After my morning experience, I had hoped to complete everything from my to-do list. But I got lazy again and I kept telling myself "Take baby steps". Maybe I put down too many things on my list.


I completed all the house related work (watering plants, cleaning house etc etc) and did not do any office jobs (do a work feedback, set targets and complete an order pad) at all.

When one works in an office, whether you complete some task or spend the whole day talking to your colleagues, it is somehow perceived as OK. But when one, like me, works from home, your productivity is judged by what you complete on a daily basis.

So while the healthy part kicked off really well... work suffered.

At Work

I work for a big multinational company and no I do not want to reveal the name of the company. Let's say that I am quite fearful about work people reading my most intimate thoughts.

Now back to the post. At work, I handle the activities of a big account as an Asst Manager and am responsible for its sales. Above me is the Main Manager who is responsible for this account's profit and loss. A new directive has come about and no longer can an account have two manager's handling it.

So I have been asked to be the Main Manager for 5 small accounts. For most this must sound like a promotion. Even DH thinks that way. But when I have been handling a big account, to be given the complete responsibility for five small accounts is not exactly great news. Big Boss (BB) has asked me to think about it. She thinks that this is my chance to get out of the shadow of a Main Manager and be a Main Manager myself.

To be quite honest, I do not know whether this is good news or not. I guess I am indifferent. If I refuse to accept the Main Manager's position (of the five small accounts), the company will have to demote me to a Field Supervisor's position (of the big account that I am currently handling) which is a step back for me.

For the time being I have said that I would consider the position of Main Mgr. While all this was being discussed at work, BB also mentioned that there was a position in Dubai for which I was being considered.

Because I lived in Dubai for a long, long time out of which I worked at this very same company for 5 years, my company thinks it is a good idea to transfer me back there. Oh yeah, I would agree to it provided they comply to my only request - double my current salary!! DH thinks that I would get this position in Dubai and BB thinks that I might get a call any one of these days asking me whether I would consider moving.

Anyway let's see....

On The Work Front

Now while I have a clear idea about what I want to do on my personal front, I am not so sure where the profession part is going. There has come about a slackness and lethargy to it. When I am not mentally challenged this is what happens to me. Whenever S, my colleague at work, becomes very aggressive with me, I turn the same way with her and I know that it is a no-go situation. But I have been so docile and flexible all the while that it’s time I got assertive.

My BB (big boss) and S have been working together for almost seven years and therefore it is a bit difficult for BB to bypass S and give me more responsible work. For the time being however, I have decided that it is best to lie low and give myself some more time in this department. I would hate to transfer myself somewhere else just because I am unhappy with what is happening now. Additionally, I want to use the next two years to complete my MBA and asking for more responsibilities and work during this period would surely go against my objectives.

So for the next two year, I am going to bury my pride and ego and just look at the bigger picture, my well-being and my goals.

Zeroing In On Priorities

Today, after much retrospection, I completed the registration papers of my MBA course and have re-enrolled for the four modules – Managing People & Organizations, Managing Products & Processes, Economics in Business and Decision Making. Exams are next May and I want to ace the course!

I am going to concentrate only on two things for the next two years – my well being and MBA, ie exercising, meditation and studying. Three things which will make me feel that I am doing something with my life. There are days when I know that work does not make me feel complete anymore; there is a hollowness that cannot be described.

First, it was the quest to find love, and then it was to get a promotion and prove myself. The last two things are never ending, with each promotion and salary increase one is working on the next one and I don’t want that anymore…ok enough of work rant as I have done it in the last post.

I am not really sure whether this is mid-life crisis or whether this is me going through some warped phase in life. Whatever it is, I want to take advantage of it and look back at it as a phase that changed me in every which way.