Lost

Dad left us four months and eight days back. It is funny how when someone goes away (Mom says she cannot use “passed away” for Dad and we both agreed that for us he has just gone away), you spend the first few months thinking of them each and every second and there after you try not to think about them lest it makes you all teary eyed and sad. Just short of their memories, we try to erase everything about them. Two weeks after Dad went away, Mom gave away all his clothes and watches. After a few months Mom will transfer all joint properties to her name. The name of the very person who worked hard for it has to be erased. How I hate it.


But what I hate most and find damn unacceptable is that being a girl I couldn’t be part of his cremation ceremony. Which Hindu book says that? My Dad loved me the most – I know it and he has always said it. Then how come my brother and my son got the privilege of sending him away. I had secretly though of saving up a bone or something like that from the final ashes. But those Nair people surrounding us were like hawks – they did not leave anything behind. And now I know that Dad will never come back.

I feel lost these days. I could bitch about my work with Dad and he would always, always tell me – Throw everything away, pack your bags and just come home, I will take care of you. My mom is more practical, she would never say stuff like that even just to pacify someone.

Daddy, if you are somewhere seeing all this, I just want to say this – I miss you so much and just wish you would come back, I don’t want you to be gone away.