Shitting Bricks

I have exactly six days before my exams begin and I have wasted four years in deciding whether to write this exam or not. Studying is not something that comes naturally to me; I have to discipline myself to do it. In school it was my competitive streak, in college it was because I wanted people to think I was intelligent and then I just stopped caring.

There’s only so much you can ask your parents to pay for. My entire Manipal education, which most people call a paid vacation, was completely sponsored by my “Gulfie” parents (not that I myself am not a Gulfie). (Hey I just noticed that I spelt that Gulfie instead of Gulfy. I must be getting posh!!). Anyway after the whole fiasco of Manipal, my parents wanted me to go to the US to do an MBA. After all, post-Manipal that was the next stop for most of the Gulf-based kids. Not that I objected to it. It’s just that I went all moral about it and wanted to spend my own money to do the course. When I think about it I tell myself – stupid C. Look how bad you are struggling to get back into studies.

Then I met DH and he has double MA. Again I am not the type to compare myself to my partner. But he sort of initiated the idea of me studying again. Now call me vain or whatever you want (yes I am all that you think and more) – I want an MBA ‘cause when I become the CEO of a company, I have to have a business degree to back me up. I also want a branded college ‘cause that gives extra weight to your effort. Oh come on – I want to be among the select few who got the opportunity to get in through the screening process...forget passing out. And lastly I didn’t care about the money I had to spend on it.

Have you heard about Lebanese people? (OK here I am generalising so sorry to all the people who get offended by my comments) They wear Calvin Klein underwear but have no money to buy food (Go figure that one out). So that was my mentality. Doesn’t matter how much that MBA cost me or whether I was doing it for the purpose of gaining some profound knowledge, I just HAD to do it. That was in 2005, when I was rich living in Dubai and earning a fat pay cheque.

Now fast forward (this I guess is my favourite word – maybe I still live in the past!!) and I have yet to sit for a single exam. People who got admitted along with me have long past donned that black graduation robes and made their mushy speeches. And I, I live in the UK now where I have to be careful about each and every penny that I spend. And it is now that I am beginning to understand the true reason of why undertook this mission. Yes C, its still the competitive streak in you. You care two hoots about whether you become the CEO or not. You just want to prove to yourself that you are just as good. That you can do at 38 what you had given up at 22. And that dear friend is the real challenge.

And I know exactly how it feels when I tell my son – Do your homework first, finish your lessons before you go out to play!