Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "I Dream of Money":
“Maybe it is the perspective of an outsider who knows nothing but you seem to be really unhappy in your marriage or at least not at all happy in your marriage. Isn't it better to be alone?”
This really got me thinking and instead of replying as a comment, thought the reply deserved its own post because it is a long drawn explanation.
First of all let us remove a few of the biases. This is my blog so obviously I will come across as the victim because I have this nature of giving glory to pain and hurt and keeping absolutely silent about the good times.
Take for e.g. – I wrote many posts about how DH and I haven’t been talking. Fact is we started talking on February 13th (for the first time this year!) and I never wrote about it in here. For me not talking for two and a half months was more of a big news and well all couples talk to each other, so what’s the fun in letting the readers know that?
OK now coming back to the real issue that I have. DH and I are too different, I call the term as being trapped by our own personalities. Chinty = trying to be minimalist + want more money. DH = hoarder + have no money / want no more money. Difference is an understatement; we are opposites. In pursuit of love I shifted to the UK leaving behind my family in Dubai, a great paying job and all the luxuries that I was used to. Remember it was not a blind move – I did stay with DH for four months in the UK before taking the plunge. So I knew where he lived, his financial situation etc. But when you are in love you believe everything will turn out well and nothing really matters. All you want is to be with the one you love.
But as with any marriage, after a few years love goes out of the window and you are usually with your partner due to habit, children or other long term money commitments (say a house). In my equation with DH, we don’t have any children together or long term commitments. The house is DH’s given to him by his father. So that leaves just the habit. If I have quit smoking after 11 years of abusing my body, then surely walking away from this relationship of 9 years should be super easy? Well no.
DH understands me, knows me inside out. He knows what makes me tick and what doesn’t. Sure there are lots of stuff about him that I do not like – the hoarding, the constant pursuit of education and total absence of any desire to be what I call successful in life. So what? These are my expectations and I shouldn’t expect anyone to change themselves to fit in with my expectations. If I were to be in DH’s shoes I would be so unhappy too. One of my major gripes is that I cannot cook to save my life; I am obsessed with cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy. If I clean the kitchen or bathroom, I don’t like anyone entering the place for an hour or so. I am fanatical about saving money and it is a real pain for me to agree for us to have a good time because that means spending money. I don’t believe in taking vacations together – we go to India every year don’t we, so why spend more money elsewhere.
Mind you I wasn’t obsessed with money before meeting DH – only after shifting to the UK and realising that if I am not careful, we both will have to sit by the street with a pan in our hands!
Now to the selfish reasons – If I walk out now, I have to go somewhere? Where is this somewhere? It is too late for me to get a job either in Dubai or even in India. I have a son and we need some sort of stability in our lives for him to continue his education. And lastly, I don’t have enough money to buy a flat/house in the UK and nor will I get enough finances to fund a mortgage here. Here DH plays the provider.
And just to clear the air – DH and I talk about our relationship all the time. All the above reasons have been dissected to nuts. We are brutally frank with each other.
So there goes – mutual dependency, a complete understanding of each other’s limitations and a healthy respect of our situation is what keeps us together. It is not perfect, far from it but hey who says that life would be perfect anyway.
PS: I have blabbered the way the thoughts have come to my mind. It may or may not be in a sequence that seems logical. As I sleep over it, I am sure I will have more points to jot – which is usual for me. But for the time being I have exhausted it all.
“Maybe it is the perspective of an outsider who knows nothing but you seem to be really unhappy in your marriage or at least not at all happy in your marriage. Isn't it better to be alone?”
This really got me thinking and instead of replying as a comment, thought the reply deserved its own post because it is a long drawn explanation.
First of all let us remove a few of the biases. This is my blog so obviously I will come across as the victim because I have this nature of giving glory to pain and hurt and keeping absolutely silent about the good times.
Take for e.g. – I wrote many posts about how DH and I haven’t been talking. Fact is we started talking on February 13th (for the first time this year!) and I never wrote about it in here. For me not talking for two and a half months was more of a big news and well all couples talk to each other, so what’s the fun in letting the readers know that?
OK now coming back to the real issue that I have. DH and I are too different, I call the term as being trapped by our own personalities. Chinty = trying to be minimalist + want more money. DH = hoarder + have no money / want no more money. Difference is an understatement; we are opposites. In pursuit of love I shifted to the UK leaving behind my family in Dubai, a great paying job and all the luxuries that I was used to. Remember it was not a blind move – I did stay with DH for four months in the UK before taking the plunge. So I knew where he lived, his financial situation etc. But when you are in love you believe everything will turn out well and nothing really matters. All you want is to be with the one you love.
But as with any marriage, after a few years love goes out of the window and you are usually with your partner due to habit, children or other long term money commitments (say a house). In my equation with DH, we don’t have any children together or long term commitments. The house is DH’s given to him by his father. So that leaves just the habit. If I have quit smoking after 11 years of abusing my body, then surely walking away from this relationship of 9 years should be super easy? Well no.
DH understands me, knows me inside out. He knows what makes me tick and what doesn’t. Sure there are lots of stuff about him that I do not like – the hoarding, the constant pursuit of education and total absence of any desire to be what I call successful in life. So what? These are my expectations and I shouldn’t expect anyone to change themselves to fit in with my expectations. If I were to be in DH’s shoes I would be so unhappy too. One of my major gripes is that I cannot cook to save my life; I am obsessed with cleaning and keeping things neat and tidy. If I clean the kitchen or bathroom, I don’t like anyone entering the place for an hour or so. I am fanatical about saving money and it is a real pain for me to agree for us to have a good time because that means spending money. I don’t believe in taking vacations together – we go to India every year don’t we, so why spend more money elsewhere.
Mind you I wasn’t obsessed with money before meeting DH – only after shifting to the UK and realising that if I am not careful, we both will have to sit by the street with a pan in our hands!
Now to the selfish reasons – If I walk out now, I have to go somewhere? Where is this somewhere? It is too late for me to get a job either in Dubai or even in India. I have a son and we need some sort of stability in our lives for him to continue his education. And lastly, I don’t have enough money to buy a flat/house in the UK and nor will I get enough finances to fund a mortgage here. Here DH plays the provider.
And just to clear the air – DH and I talk about our relationship all the time. All the above reasons have been dissected to nuts. We are brutally frank with each other.
So there goes – mutual dependency, a complete understanding of each other’s limitations and a healthy respect of our situation is what keeps us together. It is not perfect, far from it but hey who says that life would be perfect anyway.
PS: I have blabbered the way the thoughts have come to my mind. It may or may not be in a sequence that seems logical. As I sleep over it, I am sure I will have more points to jot – which is usual for me. But for the time being I have exhausted it all.
4 comments:
I enjoy how brutally honest you are about everything? Wondering if love enters the equation? Or if the whole knowing each other is your way of proclaiming how much you love him. What a very interesting relationship.
Hey, how you been? No new posts lately?
Thanks Anonymous and Childwoman for your comments. Will start posting regularly from now on. Took a break after my thesis.
I admire your practicality about life. It's true that girls really need someone who is responsible,have a stable job and most of all knows how to handle and budget money.
Thanks for sharing this inspiring post of yours. It's highly appreciated.
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