It Continues....

Last evening I came back from office with the sole determination that I would set myself right....today I was going to feel good. DH had left a few shirts on the bed that he wanted me to iron. So I took the lot and started ironing them. When DH came back he found me happily ironing the shirts. Seeing that I was busy with work and that too doing his work, he proceeded to leave me undisturbed and started munching on some snacks that we had at home. This is a ritual with DH just before we leave for the gym.

When I saw him munching, I asked him to give me something to snack too. I wanted cracker bread with some pate spread. I must have repeated my request at least three or four times. By this time I could feel my temper rising and I tried to hide it by trying to iron those shirts as hard as I could. Finally I just blurted out that I was doing his work so why couldn’t he do something for me in return. The reply was that he too would be tempted to snack along with me and he didn’t want to eat too much before going to the gym. All this is coming from a guy who was already munching just did not sound logical.

I did not say anything to this, just carried on with my ironing. But my poor sensitive heart could not take it, the tears just kept falling..some on to the shirt. My resolve drained off along with my tears. And when he asked me whether I was joining him to go the gym, I asked to go on his own. But there was more to my reply.....

“Fuck off, just fuck off from my life. What more should I do to get your affection? I leave behind everything important to me thinking that I would get that elusive love from you and I get nothing, nothing at all.....Just go, go away.”

DH didn’t wait to hear anything more, not that I added anything else, he just left. I sat there in our lounge with all the lights switched off, all alone for a long time and cried and cried. At first the crying was loud, hoping that somehow DH would hear it and walk into the house, put his arms around me and console me. And lo he did walk into the house, but that was just to take his wallet (He had forgotten to take it in the hurry). I kept silent during this time, didn’t want him to know that I was crying my guts out over the words we had just exchanged.

As soon as I heard the door close the second time, I set about on something new. No, I wasn’t going to take this anymore. I quickly stripped the mattress of our single seat futon and dragged it to my room, my study cum wardrobe room. Then I quickly made my “new” bed and locked my room. I am not really sure how long I must have lay there with my computer and that wonderful Tamil song, but at some point I must have dosed off. I know I woke up at 10 or so and could hear DH’s footsteps in the kitchen. A part of me wanted him to frantically search for me, make sure that I am alright, check whether I had my dinner....but none of that happened.

I woke up this morning and calmly dressed up to go to work. Despite using the same bathroom upstairs, we were lucky not to run into each other.

And my day continues........

PS: I never use the F word..never, ever...but I guess there is always a first time...