What A Means To Me....

Yes I am very very very happy that my son is going to join me – after 7 long years. But I am also very very scared. Why? Because after a certain point I started to think of myself as a single person – not as someone who has actually given birth. Does that make sense to you? One does not become a parent merely by giving birth, nurturing is one that changes a person to a parent and I have become pretty rusty in that department.

It’s been so long for A and me. We met each other twice a year – sometimes for 2 days and sometimes for a longer period like 15 days. His father always made sure that I never got to spend long enough time with my son. Every time we met the first one day went in trying to get to know each other, there is a shyness and awkwardness that comes across. But we both knew that we belonged together and tried to get beyond that feeling. Of course by day two everything was hunky dory. Then the day we had to say goodbyes to each other – just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. I would see the solemn look on my son and I felt that I was letting him go into the lion’s cage (which was pretty much true though I always tried to deny the thought even to myself).


The last time we were in India together, I was trying to cross a busy road and my son called me “mummy” from across. For a second I didn’t even know who he was addressing – was it me? Do I look or even feel like the mother of a teenage kid? I don’t know. Both my brother’s and son’s names start with A and I get confused all the time. I often say “you know, A my brother....” when I am actually talking about my son and then I have to correct myself. That’s right, I think of A, not as a son, but as a sibling. We discuss everything under the sun and A (my son) is so mature that it’s so easy to talk to him.

I tell you guys – for a person who has been a part time mother, I am truly blessed. My son has turned out pretty normal and alright. He is friendly and kind; knows how to cook and take care of children (his father has two kids from a second marriage), is brilliant in studies and is a wonderful human being.

And when he joins me in the next two months, I intend to put aside all my fears and just enjoy being with him. I had put aside having a second kid ‘cause I could not bear the thought of how that would make A feel, with him being so far away from me and me giving all my love to another kid. Now I am too old to have a baby and A is my last and only hope to enjoy a kid...and by God I WILL do just that...