I am the least patient person around. So instead of waiting for a few more days, I am just getting ahead with part 2 (thanks for the push anonymous).
I got on to DH's yahoo id and what do I see? Lots and lots of emails from his ex-wife. For the sake of giving her some respect (though she deserves none), let me call her G. First of all there was G asking for DH's help to get over the pain of the divorce! For Christ's sake - it was G who wanted the divorce in the first place....and of all the things asking your almost ex-husband for emotional support is definitely way off off my books. To top it all, G had left DH two years prior to our relationship.
G is a doctor from highly accomplished universities in India (MBBS and MD), then had come to the UK after marriage. Soon after she started working towards an Oxford Phd while working at the same University. So forget DH being the common factor; even if I had met G under different circumstances I would have been highly jealous of her.
In my mind I had already conjured up a very mean image of G. Why would a highly qualified doctor get married to DH - who at the time had no decent job to speak of and was just a double MA? Why did she come to the UK and instead of getting a job in London, soon moved to Oxford to do her Phd? Why did G always fight with DH's mom all the time (info about fight from DH's sister)? etc etc.
And then the icing on the cake - I saw a picture of G in the study. No No she wasn't beautiful. She was terribly ugly in my eyes and when I say ugly believe me ugly. I literally started crying. Remember this was all happening on the same day and I had not a soul to talk to. The picture was so insulting because if this was DH's taste in women, then was I that ugly too?
This led me to to G's yahoo Id and her emails. Now guess what? While G was corresponding with DH, she had also confessed via email to a close friend that she was divorcing DH because G had fallen in love with her married tutor!!
You know I am a straight, straight, straight person. You give me logic and I can understand your situation very well. But give me a complex, screwed up emotional story and I will spit at you. We all have a choice in life - make things simple or make it as complex as we can and get our lives miserable. At that moment, my situation looked terrible. Here I was in a strange country, so far away from anyone I knew - with no job and in teh company of a guy I thought I knew but who was now turning out to be a complete stranger.
In her emails G was ranting about DH to this friend and raving about how kind and gentle this tutor was. She wanted her pie and eat it too. I believe, in a moment of guilt G had applied for the divorce and now wanted DH back and not only was she writing to DH regularly, they were meeting up in Galleries and such so that DH could comfort her!! Just to set records clear, all the meetings and outings happened before I had landed in the UK.
For me this is like opening the pandora's box and though my posts are not laced with emotions believe me the events were tough on me. I have to cut this post short because here the story takes an ugly turn and I need to come back with Part 3.
I got on to DH's yahoo id and what do I see? Lots and lots of emails from his ex-wife. For the sake of giving her some respect (though she deserves none), let me call her G. First of all there was G asking for DH's help to get over the pain of the divorce! For Christ's sake - it was G who wanted the divorce in the first place....and of all the things asking your almost ex-husband for emotional support is definitely way off off my books. To top it all, G had left DH two years prior to our relationship.
G is a doctor from highly accomplished universities in India (MBBS and MD), then had come to the UK after marriage. Soon after she started working towards an Oxford Phd while working at the same University. So forget DH being the common factor; even if I had met G under different circumstances I would have been highly jealous of her.
In my mind I had already conjured up a very mean image of G. Why would a highly qualified doctor get married to DH - who at the time had no decent job to speak of and was just a double MA? Why did she come to the UK and instead of getting a job in London, soon moved to Oxford to do her Phd? Why did G always fight with DH's mom all the time (info about fight from DH's sister)? etc etc.
And then the icing on the cake - I saw a picture of G in the study. No No she wasn't beautiful. She was terribly ugly in my eyes and when I say ugly believe me ugly. I literally started crying. Remember this was all happening on the same day and I had not a soul to talk to. The picture was so insulting because if this was DH's taste in women, then was I that ugly too?
This led me to to G's yahoo Id and her emails. Now guess what? While G was corresponding with DH, she had also confessed via email to a close friend that she was divorcing DH because G had fallen in love with her married tutor!!
You know I am a straight, straight, straight person. You give me logic and I can understand your situation very well. But give me a complex, screwed up emotional story and I will spit at you. We all have a choice in life - make things simple or make it as complex as we can and get our lives miserable. At that moment, my situation looked terrible. Here I was in a strange country, so far away from anyone I knew - with no job and in teh company of a guy I thought I knew but who was now turning out to be a complete stranger.
In her emails G was ranting about DH to this friend and raving about how kind and gentle this tutor was. She wanted her pie and eat it too. I believe, in a moment of guilt G had applied for the divorce and now wanted DH back and not only was she writing to DH regularly, they were meeting up in Galleries and such so that DH could comfort her!! Just to set records clear, all the meetings and outings happened before I had landed in the UK.
For me this is like opening the pandora's box and though my posts are not laced with emotions believe me the events were tough on me. I have to cut this post short because here the story takes an ugly turn and I need to come back with Part 3.
6 comments:
Uh oh. This is so similar to my story! Wish I could tell you, just for laughs at this point. Like you said, it was so traumatic back then, but now I can laugh over it.
Come back with Part 3 already please.
Revs - oh pls do tell. I love a harmless gossip. It is so much fun to compare experiences.
Chinty
You sound like a typical old fashioned narrow minded Keralite in this post - Why did a doctor marry 'just' a double MA? Why do a phd when you can get a job in London and start making money? Why would anyone marry a clearly intelligent woman if she is 'ugly' in the eyes of dumb good-looking women? Wow I feel like I have been transported back to my childhood in Dubai and am sitting next to a mall aunt hearing her spout venom.....
....I always enjoyed reading your blog and tried to find empathy for someone who clearly had a messed up life herself including leaving her child with an abusive ex....but why feel empathy for someone who clearly has none for others?
Hey Anonymous (not sure whether you are the same one who left a comment in my previous post),
As always I love reading comments which question me, my motives and my thinking. Once again (if you are the same person as the previous one), you are spot on with some points.
I am someone who is running away from my own roots. There are many others in my same boat. While I hate being a typical Malayali, I am ONE, it runs in my veins and therefore whether I like it or not I behave, think, act and speak like one.
And though I may not be consciously aware of it, its comments like yours that open my eyes.
So let me elaborate because in my posts I am not aware of the questions that can spring up:
- Why did a doctor marry just a double MA? - Let's face it. For Malayali's marriage is a business if it is not one borne out of love. DH has no money to speak of, did not have a job at the time and his was an arranged marriage. What did G and G's family see in DH that they pursued this alliance? C'mon would you give your daughter away to someone without a job and practically less educated than her? So in this alliance the one lucrative factor was that DH was stationed in the UK.
- The distance between Southall (where DH lives) and Oxford is an hour by train. Many people do this daily commute. But G decided to find an accomodation in Oxford immediately after getting the job and no DH did not want to move to Oxford 'cause the job opportunities for him was less over there. Being a doctor, G could have gotten a job in London. Call me stupid, but this shows me that G was not realy interested in pursuing or forging a relationship, all she wanted was a legal ticket to come to the UK, carry on with her studies or whatever and leave DH.
I fully agree with your comments on looks. That to me is hitting below the belt. And for making that comment I come across as an ugly person too. You see beauty and ugliness does not come from just looks. A person can look conventionally beautiful and can be completely ugly inside.
On the other hand a person can look really ugly and be a gem of a person inside. And I respect those people even more.
In my eyes G was not only ugly looking, but she was an ugly person deep inside too. An opportunist, instigator and one incapable of giving someone a clean break.
Now regarding having a messed up life and finding empathy with my situation. No I ask for none, simply because I do not know you and you do not know my situation. People can write posts and try to explain these as best as they can. Take for instance something what I would write - I cried for two hours. Now try to imagine - do you know when you cry for two hours what all thoughts go through your mind? How is it possible for one to put all their thoughts of two hours into a post? I am no professional writer here. So its immaterial to even assume someone to understand my situation or what I go through in life.
And sure I take offense to being said that I have messed up my life. It could have gotten worse, but it hasn't. I have tried to salvage things close to my heart as best as possible. And just by commenting as anonymous, you have tried to be the coward that you are (sorry this is definitely not my sytle, but I have to return the favour).
I ask for no empathy, but I also ask for no one, at least in the blog world to judge me outright. Had you not been in the virtual world and a close friend of mine, you could have shared your subjective opinion and I would have gladly heard it out.
PS: My intention at this point is not to put you down. I do look forward to your comments. Makes me think and this is something very few people can make me do.
Thanks for spitting it out the way you felt it. Yes once again being contradictory and that my friend is definitely life....
Chinty.
Yes, it is cowardly to write anonymously especially when I am being harsh/judgemental...but what can I say - I dont want to write in my own name. You are right, you have not asked for empathy and any empathy I felt was voluntary. I only called your life messed up because I felt you were being judgemental about other people's messed up lives and emotions and I wanted to point out that life is NOT simple - even yours contrary to what you may said in your post and people make messed up choices and decisions in their life based on their circumstances.
Being a mallu myself, albeit an extremely unconventional one, I am constantly amazed about some of the choices people make in relation to marriage. However, being an Indian woman is not easy -all you are expected to do is marry and be satisfied with your lot. You are not expected to have dreams or desires of your own. Can you really blames some of these woman from using marriage as an escape route to achieve their dreams even at the risk of hurting the men? For every such woman, are their 300 Indian men who marry for the wrong reasons and then behave like they are the centre of the world for the rest of their married life?
What do I say to your comment Anonymous? except that you are a 100% correct.
I find it so difficult to reconcile that people use people to accomplish their dreams. But then like you have rightly pointed out who am I to judge?
I was spouting venom, like you mentioned earlier, towards G only because I felt I was wronged. Some how an innocent person got entangled just because G got her plans mixed up.
All that I am saying is once you have finished up using a person, go for the straight kill and make it fast and smooth. Why do people have to make things so complex and diffcult to handle.
Anyway the issue aside, do you know how many times I logged on to my email hoping to get a response from your side to my comment. And I am glad that you wrote back.
If at some point you do feel comfortable, pls send me your email address, I would love to get in touch with you.
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