Child Woman made a comment on my previous post and I thought I should give an update on my marriage situation.
First a bit of background – DH is a quiet person and I mean very very quiet. He also has a difficult time expressing his feelings (excluding anger of course and that is just the contouring of his face, nothing action orientated). Me, I am talkative, you know really useless talk. Sometimes even I wonder why I said whatever I had said. In a relationship I used to be quite expressive and vocal. But all that stopped during my first marriage. I had an a**hole for a husband who raised his hand on me for each and everything. Over the years that I was with him, I spoke lesser and lesser with my ex and the arrangement suited me just fine. In a relationship if I don’t see the other party open to a conversation, I don’t pursue it – people need their own time and space to talk about what hurts / upsets them.
Now back to the present – I am still not talking to DH. This is the longest we have gone silent – 25 full days. But something odd has happened. Every night we lay down in bed with our backs to each other of course, and somewhere in the middle of the night we end up in each other’s arms. We hug each other and I mean really hug each other tight while sleeping. During our talking period, intimacy was a thing of the past. So I for one am really enjoying this. Each morning we wake up as strangers and go about doing our own business. Coming to think of it we don’t even see each other’s face anymore. When DH is cooking, I am in my study and when I am moving around the house, he is in his study. Works pretty well for us.
This is why they say “Strange are the ways in a relationship.”
In no way am I saying that I will never ever talk to DH, it could happen. Last Tuesday I did wake up with a start and saw the clock showing 7:30 am. I shook DH and said that he would be late for work. Now that was talking – wasn’t it? OK nothing since then though!
Tell me - how do you deal with friction in a marriage?
First a bit of background – DH is a quiet person and I mean very very quiet. He also has a difficult time expressing his feelings (excluding anger of course and that is just the contouring of his face, nothing action orientated). Me, I am talkative, you know really useless talk. Sometimes even I wonder why I said whatever I had said. In a relationship I used to be quite expressive and vocal. But all that stopped during my first marriage. I had an a**hole for a husband who raised his hand on me for each and everything. Over the years that I was with him, I spoke lesser and lesser with my ex and the arrangement suited me just fine. In a relationship if I don’t see the other party open to a conversation, I don’t pursue it – people need their own time and space to talk about what hurts / upsets them.
Now back to the present – I am still not talking to DH. This is the longest we have gone silent – 25 full days. But something odd has happened. Every night we lay down in bed with our backs to each other of course, and somewhere in the middle of the night we end up in each other’s arms. We hug each other and I mean really hug each other tight while sleeping. During our talking period, intimacy was a thing of the past. So I for one am really enjoying this. Each morning we wake up as strangers and go about doing our own business. Coming to think of it we don’t even see each other’s face anymore. When DH is cooking, I am in my study and when I am moving around the house, he is in his study. Works pretty well for us.
This is why they say “Strange are the ways in a relationship.”
In no way am I saying that I will never ever talk to DH, it could happen. Last Tuesday I did wake up with a start and saw the clock showing 7:30 am. I shook DH and said that he would be late for work. Now that was talking – wasn’t it? OK nothing since then though!
Tell me - how do you deal with friction in a marriage?
4 comments:
I used to do that once a upon a time- give DH the silent treatment and then my son came along and it became impossible because so many logistics of his life need to be worked our anger be damned! Ofcourse that means we probably don't discuss anything personal pertaining to ourselves but the talking does have to take place. Sorry! I guess that doesn't help in your case. BTW,now that your son is here does he talk to the DH more perhaps in the vacuum created by your silence?
Deepa
Hi Deepa - My son will turn 16 this year and he takes care of all his stuff. A does bridge the gap for certain things - "Hey A can you go to DH's study and get the dustbin from there?", "Keep these laundered, folded clothes on DH's chair." But that's about it. And now I am getting rather comfortable with the arrangement because I have lowered my expectations. I am more happy these days. Can't say it is for the good, but for the time being it feels alright. And regarding A and DH - they are not the best of friends, but they are comfortable with each other's presence in the house.
I really hopes this changes soon. I know what he did and said to you was hurtful.
I lost my mum too, and whenever there is a difficult situation I have to deal with I always think what my mum would have have done or wanted me to do.
On 31st Jan it will my mum's 2nd death anniv. And I wanted to do a puja for her. You can imagine what I must have felt when my elder brother comes to me and says, there is no need to do puja. We have to a call a priest, buy things for him, there will be smoke in the house and so much work to do etc etc. On that day we can all sit together and talk about mum. We can give away her sarees to poor people, and you can keep her good sarees for yourself.
I cannot tell you what I felt.
But I just nodded, and said, no problem, what ever you guys wish.
It wasnt my husband or boyfriend, my friend or any relative who said these things. It was my blood brother. My mother's son who said this about her. Was a small puja going to hurt anyone?
I dont know why, but I didnt react. I could have screamed and yelled, but trust me, that would have made things worse. How do I react to someone who is mature, responsible and educated? I cant fight anyone's personality?
I have learnt from her that aggravating a situation further will only hurt us....and this is only our point of view.
Chinty, what would your father would have liked you to do in this situation?
- Childwoman
Childwoman - I get what you are saying. What hurts me most is that DH still keeps all things belonging to his Dad (who passed away 15 odd years) and Mom (passed away 7 years back) and yet does not understand why I am so sensitive about my Dad. My Dad would have shown his "middle finger" and walked out. I know it sounds funny, but Dad was that type of person. No compromise sort of guy.
Regarding your mom - I hope you could go to some temple on 31st Jan and pray for her.
Take care, C
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