I had wanted DH to be
the traditional male householder – the provider, the caretaker, etc etc. At the same time I do not conform to the role
of a traditional housewife in any form or manner. Then why do I have such high expectations of
him? I keep asking myself this. Since when did I want someone else to be my
support? Since when did I want to be dependent
on some else for my security?
No this is not
me. Maybe with age I have become weak or
maybe my love for DH made me weak. Maybe
I associated all partners to be like my Dad – the breadwinner and responsible for
everything at home.
Maybe now I am
realising that DH has always cared about me and I never even once made the
connection because Dad has always been my ideal. How else would you explain this? For two years, after I landed here, DH used
to cook all our meals. (I was busy being
depressed about my move from sunny Dubai to the dreary, grey UK). He cleared the garbage, worked on the garden,
made plans for the weekend and took me out to Central London. DH even did the odd cleaning of the
house. But these things did not matter
to me because Dad never did these at home and hence I had no way of comparing
or weighing up DH’s actions. God, I have
been such a big bitch. Why did I ever
feel the need to compare DH to my Dad?
I keep complaining
that DH is lax and has no drive in life.
But I forget that the house that we are living in right now is his
contribution, completely his. I may have
spent on its maintenance, but that does not measure up an iota to the
investment DH has made on this house.
Giving up on one’s
expectations is not easy; it is so bloody hard. In my case these were false,
ridiculous expectations. By giving them
up I know happiness is within reach and I am working my ass to get there. DH is not a bad person and neither am I. It’s just that I am learning something new
about DH and about myself everyday.....
This has got to be
love, I have no other explanation....no other excuses.....
3 comments:
R
aww, that sounds so much more positive. hugs
That is so awesome sweets. You are o gonna succeed in fining love and contentment where it already is- in your home. If you already own a home together with him isn't it enough? I recall u saying in an earlier post that you want a home of your own. Perhaps I was mistaken.
Deepa
Hi Deepa - My husband owns the house and we live there. But I am not the owner of the house :)
Yes I would like to have a house in my name too - mainly because all my friends, family and everybody around me have done so. But I guess this is trivial. Does it really matter? Don't suppose so in the long run, so I am not going to stress over it.
The past few days with DH has been so good, I can really feel our connection coming back.
Chinty.
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