And they are never black and white either... Everybody reading my post gets to hear just my part of the story and I would not like to badmouth someone who doesn't get to defend himself.
1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that. I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place. And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.
2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things. The only exception being books. Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories. If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums. If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new. I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories. Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.
4. I like white houses and black clothes. I am opinionated, about everything. I have strong likes and dislikes.
5. I cannot keep secrets. If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it. Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.
6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room. I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room. DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty. But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.
7. Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic. Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.
8. I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around. But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.
9. I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend. But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house. Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.
10. I talk loud and laugh even louder. I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).
11. I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)
12. In DH, I crave an equal partner. I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex. A lot. But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over. I earn double DH's salary. That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.
13. In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request. The study room was a store room. With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like. Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March. I do not believe him and right now it does not matter. Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.
14. DH is studying for his 4th MA. I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd. He calls himself an intellectual. And his calls me middle class. I can live with it. I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).
15. DH rubbishes Bollywood. I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad. Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.
16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow. I say BULLSHIT. He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.
17. DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society. He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs. He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.
18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house. The house is in his name, given to him by his mom. I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility? I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.
Do you see a trend here? I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise. I say let it all roll out.
19. In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it. My son is the most docile person around. DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son. Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us. Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal. Buy a wife, get a son free. You don't get a choice in the matter. To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.
20. For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse. Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister. I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time. Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.
21. I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it. Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan. Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.
22. I am a bully. I bully my son and I try to bully DH. Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good. My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off. So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection. My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in. They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction. Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then. When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.
23. Remember I try to bully DH. It started with buy me something nice. When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house. I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to. I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.
24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees. Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.
25. I wear a beautiful diamond ring. It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me. But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy. Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring. Then the significance of that ring pales. I have also mentioned it to DH once.
26. Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything. I have a weakness for good bags and shoes. But that is well under control. So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it. I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one. I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.
27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011. He was like my security bank deposit. Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working. But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything. Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home. Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby. In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.
28. Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence.
29. I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive. DH had said we would share everything. What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed. The master bedroom is and has always housed his things. Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.
30. I love eating out. Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house. Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants. In the past couple of years that desire has waned. Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time? Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.
31. We went for therapy once. I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument. To hell with it, I said. I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.
32. DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship. He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.
33. DH cooks his own food. Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt. I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste. DH goes running or to the gym daily. For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame. DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to. Most women would fall for it. I am not sure whether he knows this. But who cares now. I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.
34. DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either. I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to. In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son. I am also taller than DH these days. I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.
35. DH writes the most romantic letters. Harlequin Desire series does not even come close. Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles. Yes I met him online - my bad.
36. Yes everything looks grim now. But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long. I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.
37. Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose. I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.
38. Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March. Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage. Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....
39. OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.
40. Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them). In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy. When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law. She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there. And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone. Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet. My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!! And now it is my son's.
41. How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it? What the mind manifests the universe gives.
This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head. I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments. So would love to hear from you.
1. I am tough to live with, I am the first to admit that. I have an OCD - about being neat (not necessarily clean), things have to be in their place all the time - everything has to have a place. And if you take something out you have to make sure to keep them back exactly where it was taken from.
2. I am a minimalist at heart - I hate overflowing wardrobes and hoarding things. The only exception being books. Hoard it, but should be kept neat and tidy. I don't like people hoarding memories. If you keep photographs, make sure they are in albums. If they are any sort of object they need to be kept dusted and looking new. I also don't like too much of furniture and accessories. Or else house cleaning gets to be a pain.
4. I like white houses and black clothes. I am opinionated, about everything. I have strong likes and dislikes.
5. I cannot keep secrets. If you want me to keep a secret, you MUST mention that I should not open my mouth about it. Once you have my word, even though it is very tough for me, I shall not utter about your secret to anyone.
6. I don't like too many people visiting my house and if you visit my house, don't just sit in the living room. I have a way of ushering people into my dinning room. DH knows this is because I don't like to see my beautiful cream coloured leather sofa get dirty. But I like to think this is because I believe the kitchen and especially the dinning table is the heart of the house.
7. Seeing too many people at the same time and being with them makes me feel claustrophobic. Already I am making an effort to grin and if I have to keep grinning to everyone, my jaw hurts.
8. I can talk hours on end and be the most social person around. But deep inside I crave my own company and being on my own.
9. I make elaborate plans to go out every weekend. But I love being indoors and hate dressing up and stepping outside my house. Having the facility to work from home makes matters even worse.
10. I talk loud and laugh even louder. I like looking and feeling cheerful (but that is not the case all the time).
11. I love to show my small little, neat and clean home to everyone (though the house I am in right now is almost coming apart and needs a lot of maintenance)
12. In DH, I crave an equal partner. I married him because he gave me a lot of love, affection and sex. A lot. But once I landed in this country - day to day life took over. I earn double DH's salary. That never bothered me till I realized that he wouldn't do any work at home.
13. In 2004 when I visited this house for the first time, I made a small request. The study room was a store room. With both our love for books, I just wanted that room to be a place where we could just plonk and read like crazy whenever we felt like. Today we are in 2013 and DH had promised me he would get the room tidied up by March. I do not believe him and right now it does not matter. Hell if a kid was born on that day when I made a request, he / she would almost be 10 years now.
14. DH is studying for his 4th MA. I wish he had done 1 MA and then pursued a Phd. He calls himself an intellectual. And his calls me middle class. I can live with it. I wonder whether I did an MBA because I didn't want to feel like the only idiot at home without a master's degree (or maybe not).
15. DH rubbishes Bollywood. I am not that much of a fan either - but like all languages you have the good ones and you have the bad. Right now there are a plethora of good Hindi movies.
16. DH says poverty is character building and people who are rich never grow. I say BULLSHIT. He is saying this because he is poor and wants to show he is one up over the rich folks.
17. DH thinks he was done wrong - by his folks, by the education system and by the society. He should have been a psychoanalyst doing very well in life - but somehow he got stuck in admin related jobs. He hasn't said this to me blatantly, but I know this is how he feels.
18. DH has no qualms in me spending money on the maintenance of this house. The house is in his name, given to him by his mom. I ask myself - why should some woman get married into this house and be entrusted that responsibility? I have taken it over because I like to see my place of residence in good order. Every now and then it pisses me off.
Do you see a trend here? I started talking about myself and slowly this is becoming a DH bashing exercise. I say let it all roll out.
19. In two years DH must have spoken to my son about 10 times. We have spoken about it. My son is the most docile person around. DH does agree that he has a problem communicating with my son. Part of the problem he says is because I never asked him whether my son could come and live with us. Hold it, hang on - my son and I are package deal. Buy a wife, get a son free. You don't get a choice in the matter. To put into perspective, if DH's mother was around, she would definitely be staying with us.
20. For me family is very, very important - more important than the spouse. Which is why we have an open door policy for DH's sister. I want her to be a part of our lives and she was for a long time. Till she found God and moved to the gang who needs to ask God's permission to even take a piss.
21. I believe in God myself - but my God is within me and I will not ever make a show of it. Every time Amma comes to London, I make it a point to work in their kitchen for 5 whole days - no dramas, I don't even go to get a darshan. Maybe once for a hug and that's about it.
22. I am a bully. I bully my son and I try to bully DH. Not because I feel I will get something out of it, but for their own good. My son I want him to earn pots of money and be well-off. So I push him to study hard, I blackmail him and shower him with too much of love and affection. My parents let me choose everything from education, to partner, to which country I wanted to live in. They shouldn't have let me go at 16 without showing me some direction. Hence I don't care if my son hates me every now and then. When he reaches 40 he will thank his mother.
23. Remember I try to bully DH. It started with buy me something nice. When that became an impossibility, it was how come you don't help in cleaning the house. I want him to show me that there is something in this relationship for me to hang on to. I can live with no money coming from my partner, but no support in whatsoever is beyond me.
24. Last year, I made a big fuss and refused to help DH in his MA fees. Helping out in house maintenance is one thing and helping him out in a course for which he should have saved money is totally a different matter.
25. I wear a beautiful diamond ring. It is my wedding ring which DH bought from Dubai when he had come to visit me. But after 6 months when I came to visit UK, I found him riddled with £10,000 in credit card debt and I paid it off because I hate debt like crazy. Sometimes I wonder whether I bought myself a wedding ring. Then the significance of that ring pales. I have also mentioned it to DH once.
26. Due to my minimalistic nature I also do not buy too many clothes or anything. I have a weakness for good bags and shoes. But that is well under control. So these days I hoard money (people call it savings). I don't know what to do with it. I yearn for no gadgets, yes I want a car, but if I plan to go nowhere with it, I am an idiot to buy one. I want money only for the security it gives (and maybe a house a well) and I swear for nothing more.
27. I started saving from the day my Dad passed away in 2011. He was like my security bank deposit. Not that I ever took a dime from my Dad after I had started working. But Daddy was always there and I knew I could run to him if I ever needed anything. Often Daddy used to tell me - if you ever find life getting too tough throw away everything and just come home. Mom is similar to my Dad in that thinking, but right now she is like my beautiful baby. In the absence of Daddy I want to take care of my Mom.
28. Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence.
29. I was depressed for about two years after landing in the UK - I could not adjust myself to the poverty (yes poverty), the weather, the constant rain and the fact that everything was so horrendously expensive. DH had said we would share everything. What he did was he gave me a room for myself and a place to sleep in his bed. The master bedroom is and has always housed his things. Now I am thankful for it, for I have my very own room in this house.
30. I love eating out. Thank God there is something that I like outside of my house. Often DH and I would go out and try various restaurants. In the past couple of years that desire has waned. Why should I be the one paying the tab all the time? Yes, he might use his credit card to pay the bill, but I was making the final settlement every month.
31. We went for therapy once. I had to pay the amount and after the session when I wanted to clarify what we had talked there, DH and I had a big argument. To hell with it, I said. I ain't paying money to have more of this argument and that was the end of therapy for us.
32. DH does not understand that he should either make more money or do some work at home or make passionate love to sustain this relationship. He says he cannot make love to me because I am the way I am and I cannot make love to him because I hate his character and personality.
33. DH cooks his own food. Every day he has grilled fish with vegetables - without any spices, fat or salt. I cannot eat what he eats because I like my food to have some taste. DH goes running or to the gym daily. For a 52 year old his body would put a 32 year old to shame. DH is also very good looking and talks really well when he wants to. Most women would fall for it. I am not sure whether he knows this. But who cares now. I sincerely wish DH would fall in love with someone in his MA class.
34. DH maybe good looking, but I am not that bad either. I have very sharp features and I can be quite charming when I want to. In my Japanese class they thought I was young and single till I mentioned my 16 year old son. I am also taller than DH these days. I say these days because we were both the same height when we got married.
35. DH writes the most romantic letters. Harlequin Desire series does not even come close. Maybe I fell for the letters, the sex and the cuddles. Yes I met him online - my bad.
36. Yes everything looks grim now. But I am not the one to cry, get dejected with life for too long. I dust my back, get up and say lets see what can be done.
37. Right now I intend to stay in this house - not spend any money and build up my kitty. I am going to lead a happy life right under DH's nose. I am going to have a ball with my son and live my life to the fullest.
38. Only nagging point - Mom is coming to visit me in March. Oh Boy - she is going to see that her daughter has failed in yet another marriage. Maybe, just maybe a marriage is not for me....
39. OK was this too much to ask for - a decent normal husband, a cute little house and one or two kids.
40. Talking about kids - DH hates kids (though he is fantastic at handling them). In 2011 I had a miscarriage - an ectopic pregnancy. When the ambulance in this country refused to pick me up, I made an SOS call to DH and another to my sister-in-law. She landed at the hospital as soon as I got there. And my husband got to know the news in the afternoon when he decided to switch on his mobile phone. Remember you always have to keep a contact name and telephone number in your phone, office records and in your wallet. My emergency contact number is not of DH, it used to be of my brother living in Dubai!!! And now it is my son's.
41. How in the world can one have richness and kids coming their way when your partner rubbishes it? What the mind manifests the universe gives.
This has been a marathon post, one with no order and just as it came out of my head. I am also aware that if I air my dirty laundry on a public forum I must be prepared for the comments. So would love to hear from you.
6 comments:
I don’t understand why you both are together. You are ruining not only both your lives, but also your son's. Is this what you want him to learn about marriage, love and companionship? You can be upset that your husband does not help around the house. But, so many times in the post you have pointed to the fact that he makes less money than you. It is always “his” and “yours”. Marriage is about being one; it’s about being a team. I cannot imagine that your husband has spoken to your son only 10 times! It just shows that you do not care about each other’s feelings. I was shocked at the sentence “Both DH and I know that if we ever win a lottery, we would share the catch and say Hasta la vista to each other. Right now I do not have the money to buy a house on my own and he does not have the money to pay me off what he owes me. There is a mutual interdependence”. Really? Is that enough reason to stay in a marriage? There has to be more. You need to respect yourself more, and look within to find that reason. You need to communicate with each other and be willing to change to make this work. You wish that your husband falls in love with another woman? If you really feel that way why are you wasting your time and his? From this post, it looks like this marriage is just a compromise and an adjustment. Try talking to him and making small everyday changes to see if you can make this work. Try to recreate the happy times that you had initially, and find the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place. I really wish you both can sort out your differences and live a normal, happy, healthy married life filled with love, respect and happiness. Good Luck to you and your husband!
Ok I kinda get it now. Your frustration, your despair as expressed here sometimes and the perhaps the futility of trying to change your partner.
First things first. Let's see if some of my 3 a.m. suggestions might work out for you. (And don't think I'm arrogant enough to think you haven't tried these already)
1. You crave to own a home right? Does it have to be in bloody expensive UK? If not have you considered putting down a sum on a place someplace in India where you could in the distant future see yourself living by yourself or with your son? It can just end up being a room of your own so to say if DH and you do still stay together or an investment that pays off in time. My younger sister is single and this is the first thing I made her do when she began earning years ago.
2. Can you search for a higher paying job for DH somehow? Perhaps in your own organization or outside. It's possible that since your mind desires it so much it will be manifested thru your efforts. Perhaps he's just feeling afraid to try anything outside his comfort zone. I know this is easier said than done but.....
3. Helping around the house. My pet peeve too. Why don't you clean out his study and organize it the way you want. Whats the worst that can happen? will the ground beneath you shatter?
4. Do you have a couple or atleast one local gal pal? If not can you try cultivating one? No to crib to but to hang out with(She might want to sit on your pristine couch though. Gasp!) ad have a cup of tea with and laugh while watching bollywood DVDs with. Stuff like that. It lessens the burden on the spouse when you have a close gal pal. We sometimes expect a spouse to fulfill all of our fantasies. Emotional, financial and physical and it's simply not possible at times.
All of my suggestions could be something you've already tried or would find too trite. If so my apologies. But....do hang in there and something will turn up.
Deepa
You post title is "things are never one sided". You do not have to be perfect to be in a terrible marriage. I am sure you and your husband are both equally at fault. But if you dislike as much as that post seems to indicate then you are doing yourself and your son a big disservice by staying with your husband. You seem to give financial security a disproportionate amount of weight both in terms of values you wish to instil in your son and reasons for staying with your husband. I wont tell you that is wrong because you are clearly a product of your background and life experiences and you need to work through your insecurities yourself. But this is a bad bad bad example of marriage, love and dependence you are teaching your son. Being alone is not so bad or scary - you might love yourself more if you had the guts to be alone.
Have been reading your blog for sometime and just felt I had to comment on this one.
This guy that you got yourself is lazy...just pure lazy. he has got the better deal out of you two in this marriage. Am not sure if I can be as frank as possible but hey I definitely want to share my thoughts... I think you came in at a right time in this guy's life. he wooed you and you were taken in. but hey u were vulnerable and a little show of love was all u must have needed. now, he believes he has got u completely- his own money vending machine.so not even the show of love necessary..now ur availability is just a way of life for him. if he rubbishes money then why would he want to do 3 MA's after this marriage, that too without having his own money to pay fees.if he was just after getting more knowledge why not do a self study , read all books of all MA, why have a degree to ur name if u cant give something back to ur society using tht MA? I say just cut your losses and move on. partners are for sharing life together. If you continue to live this way you are just depriving your chance of meeting someone else. IN this relationship, money is maintained separately, food is being cooked separately, family is not given much importance, not often are common things being done together..then what for r u guys hanging around? I would say right now its more of convenience sake in terms of money and the tag of 'still married'... its not required at all...u r at a better end of this dependence..so just make use of it...
(((((Hugs)))) to you. I felt like crying reading this post. I could feel the sense of disatisfaction, the pain that you are experiencing. I have nothing to say, except wish that you make enough money that you don't have to live in that house and you can walk out with your son.
That husband of yours needs to go pronto! Please do whatever it takes to get out of this relationship. You are young and beautiful, you can have plenty of men and a satisfying sexual life without any strings.
I have been reading your blog for some days now.First time commenting though. Somedays when I read your blog, it feels like you are writing my story.Only some things are different.The fact that all these things (you have stated in this post ) are still bothering you suggest you still care about having a good married life. With me ,I have stopped caring and expecting anything from my spouse, so it is much easier now.Things I couldn't change I have accepted.
If DH doesn't want to do anything around the house, can u hire somebody to do it, so you get a break once in a while. Also the not talking to your son bothers me, tell him if he needs money for his M.A he better bond with your son..I would definitely stop funding his MA. Can you rennovate your house and make it new...
I have two kids too, they are well cared for by parents. Good kids can be raised in unhappy marriages as long as the parents aren't fighting in fornt of them day in and day out.. There are many people in the same boat as you, so don't think you are alone. Focus on your son...., you need to guide him....you can try to accept things you cannot change(like DH's behavior) but work cleverly at managing your finances. You have one child, you don't have to be a mother to your DH also...
Do some things for yourself , read books, spend quality time with your son.Go out with girlfriends.
btw loved your posts about your plans...I will try to follow some of them myself.
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