Floating Right Now

I am not really sure what I want to say...but the very fact I have a window open for a post must mean I want to write something.

We all have an image of ourselves - that we are like this and like that.  Me, I know that I am crude, loud, bossy, a bully in a relationship, stubborn, strict and really a terrible person to live with. That is what I am and I don't ever hide it, well at work I might not show to one and all what I am really like.  But spend a day with me and you will get the drift.  In my younger days, come a difficult person and I would run a mile away.  I don't spend time in analyzing what, whys and hows.  If I cannot handle a person, I walk away.  I hate dramas.

This is what my screen saver says - "Life to me is Black & White.  You want Something? - Go Get It.  Unhappy? - Stop Complaining and Change.  Don't like being treated badly? - Leave.  Got a dream? - Fulfill it.  Why complicate things? Action your words, speak the truth and do what makes you happy."

Everyday I read that and everything was quite simple in life.  But from the moment I landed in London, my life has been anything but simple.  It got into a complex web of unhappiness, making do and generally being a grumpy person that I am not.

Did I push my husband away?  I think I really did do that.  The point here is not whether I drove him to have an affair, which very well could have been the case.  The point here is that DH did not consider my feelings enough to have done what he did. Would I stab DH in a second of madness? Never in a million years.  My ex used to beat the shit out of me.  Even back then, I never harboured any ideas of harming anyone.

DH says I should not compare a murder or anything like that to an almost-affair.  That is easy for DH to say - for me there is no difference between a stab at the back and an affair.  You feel the same pain.  And once done - no point in apologizing or saying that I just wanted to stab you and not to kill you.  Doesn't make sense you see.

I am this close to forgiving him.  I am.  But a huge part of me says that I might be able to forgive him but never forget what he did.  I would always talk about this affair, talk it to the point that DH would get sick of it and always coming up with justifications.  

DH is a nice person - he agreed to everything, apologized for everything, agreed to change the deeds of the house to my name and just leave the home.  I am grateful for that.  But I don't think I can ever see him as my partner again. I don't want to be in this relationship just because I feel that there is no way out or because I feel I would not be able to find a partner again (God knows I don't want a man in my life again!)  

Right now I am just concentrating on my well being and survival.  I have asked DH to change the deeds of the house.  I take over the remaining mortgage and he can live here as long as he wants.  We will be good house mates.  We will learn to respect each other and communicate better with each other.  And when one of us wants to leave, the door is open with no questions asked.  That is how I see it right now.  This is what I have explained to DH as well.  He seems to be OK with the idea.

I don't know what else I should do now.... This too shall pass and as usual I will stand up and dust my back.